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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I stop my DS from making a fool of himself?

25 replies

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 05:44

My 6 year old DS has just started at a new school. He is an only child and does not have any friends outside of school as we don?t really anybody in this city and I work full-time. There is a boy in his class, ?Anthony?, that he is desperate to be friends with, but the boy obviously does not want to be friends with my DS. So this morning for example, when we got to school, my DS was looking around for Anthony then saw him and ran up to him saying, ?good morning Anthony!?. Anthony just looked at my DS, pushed my DS?s hat off his head then ran off. DS promptly ran after him. I tried to stop him, but he said ?I want to play with Anthony?. I told him that Anthony did not want to play with him, that Anthony is not being very nice and that he is making a bit of a fool of himself and he got quite cross with me.

I have tried to encourage him to make friends with other children, but he says that no-one will play with him. It breaks my heart and I don?t know what to do. Please advise me. Thanks.

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Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 07:53

Anyone?

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 21/09/2011 07:56

Maybe thats Anthonys way of playing?

I would leave him to try and mate friends in his own way

usualsuspect · 21/09/2011 07:56

make*

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 21/09/2011 07:57

How do you know Antony doesn't want to play with him/isn't very nice.

That's a pretty big assumption to make on a bit of playground fooling around.

Telling a 6yr old they are making a fool of themnself when all they are doing is being open and friendly is also setting your son up for whole sackfuls of hangups in the self-esteem department.

At 6 you should be stepping back and letting friendships evolve naturally, unless someone is actually getting beaten up (etc)

It's also fairly poor etiquette and not conducive to positive responses to post at stupid o'clock and then get snippy because everyone else is asleep btw.

bejeezus · 21/09/2011 09:55

I really feel for you, it must be heart breaking to watch. But I think the other posters are right - you have to let him sort it out himself and make his own mistakes/ friends.

It takes a little while to settle i think - when did you move?
doesnt the teacher appoint someone like a 'buddy' to help new kids in the class/school?

In the mean time can you take him to meet up with old friends

you could invite someone home from class for tea? maybe Anthony?

AngryFeet · 21/09/2011 10:12

Saying he is making a fool of himself is not a very nice thing to do :(

My son wants to be friends with a boy in his class (he also just started reception) but says he refuses to play with him. I just tell him to play with some of the other children. But I know he keeps trying to play with this boy. It isn't a big deal, maybe they will become friends maybe they won't. Leave him to it.

Octaviapink · 21/09/2011 10:32

What an unpleasant thing to say to your DS. I'd let him get on with it - it's early days in the term and pecking orders still haven't been sorted out. Boys establish rules with physicality so pushing your DS's hat off his head is no big deal.

Marne · 21/09/2011 10:35

I would let your ds get on with it, eventually either he will get fed up with Anthony running away or Anthony will realise that your ds is lovely and they will be friends.

talkingrabbit · 21/09/2011 10:40

I'm sure this can be very difficult to witness as an adult, but i don't hink children operate by the same social rules as adults, and I think your boy's running up asking to play is just a natural expression of the self-confidence you must have encouraged in your son over the years . I have a very forward little boy a little older than yours who does have siblings, and who thinks that everyone likes him. This can be a bit squirm-inducing as an adult when you can see other kids think he is a pain, but I try to let him get on with it. On the few occasions he's said 'I asked to play with so-and-so today and he told me to get lost' we've talked about it and discussed feelings, but I've never got more involved than that.

Marne · 21/09/2011 10:47

Oh, and i watch my dd make a fool of her self every day, she has just started a new school and struggle with the social side of things as she has Aspergers, yesterday she butted in to a group of boys and tried to join in, they moved away from her and gave her odd looks, was hard to watch but i think it would be worse if i butted in and told her off. I think its just a case of 'letting them get on with it' and hope they work it out for their selves.

Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 10:51

ForYourDreamsAreChina, er, who's getting 'snippy'? Not everybody lives in the UK, you know.

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Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 10:54

Thanks for the responses. I probably shouldn't get involved, but I feel so hurt for my DS when this child rejects him (it has happened a number of times, not just the once). I would so love for him to make another friend, but I guess I can't engineer that.

Unfortunately, I go straight back to work after the school run, so can't really organise tea with another child. And I think I mentioned we don't really know anyone in this city, so it is hard to make friends outside of school.

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ForYourDreamsAreChina · 21/09/2011 11:03

"not everyone lives in the UK, you know"

Which is why I was also up at stupid o'clock answering you......

Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 11:07

Well, then maybe you should go back to bed then, as it's clear from your posts that you are in a bad mood.

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Zoggsrus · 21/09/2011 11:10

China, if no-one answers your thread, you are allowed to bump it and remind people it's there.
Bloody hell
OP, I feel for you, it is really heartbreaking, my DS does similar type of things, but I think you just have to leave them to it
Someone else will be flavour of the month next week!

Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 11:13

Zoggsrus, thanks for your post, I appreciate it. Yeah, I guess you're right. It's so hard, though. I just want to go in and fix it for him.

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ScarlettIsWalking · 21/09/2011 11:16

I feel for you too. But your son sounds like a lovely little boy and he will make friends soon with such a nice attitude. Please don't scold him anymore for trying to make friends.

Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 11:20

I wasn't scolding him, I just explained that his over-exuberance was perhaps a little off-putting and that he needs to make friends with other children. I just can't bear to see him being hurt and rejected.

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MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 21/09/2011 11:22

Do you work weekends? If not, try to get your DS involved in an organised activity. Any kind of group that will give him the chance to b around other children and you the chance to meet the other parents.

Please don't tell him that he's making a fool of himself. To hear that from his mother could cause a lot more harm than the other boy ever could. Don't make him embarrased of trying to make friends.

Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 21/09/2011 12:27

Yeah, he goes to swimming and karate, but the children don't really seem to mix. He had lots of friends in his last school so we weren't particularly worried at first. He says he's lonely. I guess we should give it time. I just can't bear to see him unhappy and I can't bear to see someone being mean to him.

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Zoggsrus · 21/09/2011 15:22

my son is so exuberant, he tries to be friends with everyone, and you can see these other kids thinking, why is he so full on?
He is always the one to run after other children with this hero worship look on his face
I really want someone to run after him like that!

I had a thread on here once about children being mean, and how the mothers turn a blind eye, it was a bit of an extreme case. But children can be quite mean, and honestly I think it's their way of communicating.
It seems to be really common to hear them say "you're not coming to my birthday party" or "you're not my friend anymore" That breaks my heart and I will still insist that DS doesn't say it, or get involved, but they all seem to do it

I think what I am trying to say is that they communicate differently, as someone said further up.

If I were you, I would organise a bit of a playdate.

FelixCited · 21/09/2011 20:59

I would chat to the class teacher and see if this friendship is to be encouraged or if others are more suitable friends.

As a KS2 teacher I never minded answering friendship questions from parents (as it made my job easier if the child felt happy- obviously I was aware of confidentiality etc) it is especially hard starting at a new school overseas.

RitaMorgan · 21/09/2011 21:04

Telling a 6 year old that he's making a fool of himself sounds incredibly cruel to me!

pastawine · 21/09/2011 21:09

i would speak to the teacher and just ask if he is managing socially - my son didnt but it was due to a condition that he was diagnosed with - socially he struggled alot.

at 6 you may have an inkling if something 'isnt quite right' but i would speak to the teacher for reassurance.

you could also invite a child over for tea and a play - perhaps the teacher can help you with this too.

i know there is nothing worse than to watch your beloved getting rejected - i did it for a long long time....it will get better im sure. it did for ds but it just a while. good luck op.

Original poster

LaLaLaLayla · 22/09/2011 04:15

Yeah, good idea FelixCited and pastawine, I'll speak to his teacher. Thanks.

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