a mother-hating 8yo ds!

[coffeeandcake]

hi, am trying this site in desperation. my son's behaviour is getting so bad that i am seriously questioning whether i can keep him. i am the target of hitting, firing elastic bands at me, pouring water over my (on) clock radio, smashing up my veg patch to name just a handful of things. this happens partly when i tell him off but also jsut when he wants to take things out on someone. dh & i split 9 months ago, but tbh this behaviour has been around for years. the split was amicable and we are on good terms. but dh soesn't think that there is a problem other than general naughtiness. but other ds's don't behave in this extreme way, do they?
i think that i do everything the parenting blurb says: i set boundaries and uphold them, i use time out / removal of toys etc. but nothing works. i will say to him 'if you do i will do ' but it has no effect - he'll do it anyway! and yes, i DO follow through with my threats.
i worry that in years to come he will REALLY hurt me.
can anyone offer any advice?

He sounds like an angry little boy. If your split was amicable then you need your ex to back you up. I think that you need outside help. How is he at school? Have you tried your GP?

thanks for responding, exoticfruits!
i have tried the parenting advisor at the school, who talked about reward charts and praise and everything that i do or have tried!!!!! no sanction or reward works for him - it genuinely doesn't!!!! the friends who have seen this behaviour are shocked.
yes, my ex does need to back me, but he chooses not to see that it is any more than 'normal' stuff. even when his own father had to pull ds off me one evening, who was slapping and kicking me because i told him off for being rude.
my next plan is to go to the gp. i think ds needs someone to talk to.

I would recommend parenting courses.
I think you should go to your GP-it isn't nomal behaviour and you can't go on like it-you need outside help.

Hopefully someone else will come along with advice.

What things do you and DS do together?

I know this wont solve things, but when are you able to have fun together?

Do you do puzzles together? Go out to the park together? Play games at home? Go to museums? Go swimming?

What things make you really bond with your DS? If you can find some things you enjoy together, maybe it will help you to look at him/the relationship between you in a different way (rather than just seeing his as a naughty boy).

Good luck with your GP though, I am sure they will have some advice.

I always think thaty it is sad when someone has a real problem and they don't get many replies and yet you can get somethiong trivial on AIBU and it is 10 pages long in 30 mins!
I do think you need the outside help but he is perhaps old enough to sit down with when you are both calm. Tell him that you are not enjoying life, you don't want a battle and you would like to have fun together. acrunchieandacupoftea has a good post.
You get a sheet of paper, make 2 columns. Column one write up a list of rules that you decide together. Don't have too many-stick to the most important ones. Rule 1 you do not hurt mother. Rule 2 you respect property and only go as far as 6 rules-I think more is too difficult (you may even just want to stick to to the 2)
In the second colum write things that he would like to do -they don't have to cost money it could be bake a cake, go to the park for 30 mins and kick a football etc, play cards together.
If he keeps to column 1 he gets a treat from column 2.
(If he has some bigger treats they have to come with a longer period-e.g. a game of cards=one day but a trip to the cinema=1 week)
I'm sure that if you can have some fun together you would have a happier DC.
You didn't actually say what his behaviour was like at school-is he badly behaved with all or just you?
If he is well behaved for his father your ex needs to lay it on that it is unacceptable to hurt anyone.
Now that it is bumped up I hope that you get some more response.
Good luck-still try the GP.

Yes, bumping for you ...sounds really stressful ...

I'm no expert (only have one 8 yr old dd myself) but a couple of thoughts occurred ...

I know you said this behaviour isn't new but do you think he is either (a) blaming himself in some sort of way for your split and his acting out is a manifestation of that? (b) blaming you somehow for his father leaving? (c) testing you to see if you are going to leave too? (d) he is simply confused by your different parenting styles (dh and I have this problem!)

I know the split is amicable but it's bound to have an effect ...

If your gp rules out a physical illness then perhaps he/she could recommend a licensed child psychologist who could help by giving him (and probably as important: you) some support particularly if you are seriously questioning whether you can keep him or not? (Or perhaps you are just - very understandably - letting off steam by posting that?)

thanks everyone - it really helps having people care!!!
difficult to do 1-1 stuff with ds, as i have a younger one as well. but i make sure we spend time at the end of the day talking, doing lego etc when ds2 is in bed. i also tell him how loved and special he is.
i like your idea,exoticfruit. i have done something similar, taking off someone else's post re deducting pocket money. ds is so jealous, that when i plan to do stuff with him he is more concerned about what ds2 is doing in his absence!!!
substantially compromised, i think ds is feeling all of the things you mentioned. a recurrent theme is that i'm stupid, and that's why daddy left. (we both left! it was mutually agreed). he may well be testing to see if i'll leave, but, the thing is, i can't do this anymore. i just don't know what else to try. i am seeing gp on thu and have spoken to school about getting him someone to talk to. i also want dh and i to sit ds down and BOTH tell him that this is unacceptable. hopefully all of these things will change matters.
thanks again, everyone.
x

I think that this is why you need outside help. There is no real knowing what your DS thinks. He could well think it is his fault and he is so dreadful his father doesn't want to be with him, and he is testing the boundries to see how far he can go before you leave. DCs are not sensible. I only went out with a divorced man with a DD for a couple of years-when we split up she wrote to me and said that she hoped it wasn't her fault! This was after a short period, she lived with her mother and she was 13yrs old-needless to say it was nothing to do with her.I just put it to show that there is nothing to say what your DS thinks. When they are crying out to be loved they often do the very thing that makes it difficult!
I do wish you could get some replies from people who have been in the situation.

yes, i think that you may be right. kids do blame thenselves for things, don,t they? i know that he loves me very much. if i'm ever upset over anything, he will often draw me a flower (in my favourite colour). he also tries to make sure that he keeps 'good' toys with me, so he favours me with his special things!

i really hope that he will open up to someone. we had a brief talk this morning and he said that the reason behind his behaviour was because he has tummy ache all the time. (presumably i'm meant to know this telepathically!) he's off to the docs on thursday to check this out (& to ask for help). although i obviously don't want him to be poorly, i DO hope that there is something that can be sorted out with a dose of drugs and then i'll have a normal, boisterous, challenging-at-times ds who doesn't see me as a figure of hatred. but i doubt it is that simple.

'tummy aches' can be the sort of things that are invented to mask real reasons though, too. but best to check it out.

you might want to think about play therapy privately if the doc isn't much use. a friend had some really good results with her mixed up 9yo ds. a good therapist can often rootle out the real concerns in a kid's head, rahter than the ones they choose to share.

you may want to check out the GAPS thread in sn, or any of the other threads about 8yo ds's to feel not so alone though. (i only mention GAPS just in case the tummy ache thing turns out to be a real symptom - a few of the kids on there have had long standing digestive issues alongside behaviour problems/ sn)

it does sound like he's testing you though. just to see if you'll disappear like his dad.

Am no expert but could his dad have a word with him, ask him why hes doing stuff that upsets you? Maybe he feels he is having to take sides and has chosen his dads? I really dont know but it does sound like you need some real help.

Whats he like towards his dad?

I just said this on another thread but I'll say it here too, just in case you're still there: have you read How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk?