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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Daughter won't go to playschool..

29 replies

jan123 · 07/09/2011 21:15

We have a 4yo Daughter who is absolutely refusing to go to PS..I really don't know what to do...she went to PS last year and there were no problems, in fact some of the kids at her last PS are at this one...she's grand when we are heading off, but as soon as we arrive a major tantrum starts...we have tried bribing her but she is not having it....what should I do....advice needed and appreciated....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 21:17

What do you mean she refuses to go/wont go?

Who is the parent here?

She might not want to go, she might have a tantrum - but you are the one in charge, not her.

ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 21:17

Just take her.

Leave her there.

They will deal with her and in all likelyhood she will be just fine the minute you leave.

ChippingIn · 07/09/2011 21:18

LOL - shouldn't watch TV, cook dinner & MN at the same time! Likelyhood - FFS!

Original poster

jan123 · 07/09/2011 21:36

Thanks ChippingIn....we are at our wits end with her...since she turned 4 she is turning into a right little madam..But i'm getting sick of this..I will bring her down tomorrow and leave her there..if they wan't me they have my number...

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 07/09/2011 21:42

if it were me i wouldn't make her go.

does she HAVE to go?

quite frankly life is really too short to spend your childhood in places you really don't want to be.
i am sure people will tell you that she will do the same at school... but there is no way of knowingt hat. she may love school and want to go, she may be more mature and able to cope with school.
we took ds1 out of pre-school because he didn't like it (he went back later when he chose to) and he is fine at school now and has never asked not to go...

Dozeynoo · 07/09/2011 22:57

Do you know why she doesn't want to go? After a summer at home with you is she just worried she might be missing out on something at home?
I would emphasise all the boring jobs you will be doing whilst she is having fun at playschool. Could you get someone else to take her? DS2 went through a phase of creating when I took him to playschool (3 weeks of being prised off my leg and me making a sharp exit) but went in fine when the childminder took him.
If you need her to go to playschool to give you some timeout/to go to work/etc. then she'll get over it, if you are happy to have her at home with you for a bit then fair enough you've got to go with your gut feeling on the issue.

amistillsexy · 07/09/2011 23:03

Take her. Hand her over. Say goodbye. Prise her off your leg and ask one of the teachers to take her. Run like heck and enjoy the peace at home.

That's 7 years of experience right there

(DS3 started Reception yesterday. He tried this. He's a lightweight compared to DS1. He stands no chance! )

eggsareoffagain · 08/09/2011 08:08

Many, many children go through phases of not wanting to go somewhere they previously went happily to. It's normal, and you might never get to the bottom of why.

If you want her to go, she needs to go. Please don't bribe her, she will see the crack in your resolve a mile off. Get her ready, jolly her along if necessary but don't get into conversations about not wanting to go, take her in, maybe suggest something she might like to do to begin with, quick kiss and goodbye, then LEAVE. If you hang around, you will make it much, much worse. The teachers have seen it all before and will deal with her. I bet she stops crying the minute you've gone - what do the teachers/leaders say?

Please don't let your child dictate to you. It will get much worse as she gets older if you go down that route.

nickschick · 08/09/2011 08:14

If she has to go,perhaps you have other commitments and need the time she's there to fulfill them,maybe thats your only break and you need the few hours to do your own thing-then take her,say bye and go the staff will settle her ad if she doesnt settle then your phone will ring and you will have to try the next day.

If she doesnt need to go and you are able to withdraw her then give it 2 more weeks and take her out until after half term,then try again.

My ds1 was like this I found that by changing his playgroup he settled better - the new one was the same as the old one but newer faces and different toys seemed to help.

Wormshuffler · 08/09/2011 08:22

It's not her choice unfortunately, she will be fine as soon as you have gone, if you give in to this you will be setting yourself up for ...........won't go to bed/wont go to school/ won't wash/ won't eat/ won't work.....
Now then off to work I go (which I really wish I could not go to)!

naturalbaby · 08/09/2011 09:37

i'm having similar issues with my 3yr old but he's only just started. i'm finding it really hard to convince him he has to go, he has to stay and i have to leave him there. but that's what i do. he hasn't really been in a position where i've really made him do something he really, really doesn't want to so it's bit of a battle of wills. i just keep explaining 'you are 3 now, this is what 3yr olds do. when dc2 is 3 he will go. daddy goes to work, you go to nursery....'

does your dd have younger siblings at home? i think that's why my 3yr old is finding it hard, cause dc2 is at home with me and he knows that but they do everything together usually so he's finding it hard to understand why he has to go on his own but dc2 gets to stay at home.

TheRhubarb · 08/09/2011 09:44

Just popped in to say that my ds has always always always hated pre-school, nursery and now school.

He's now 7 years old and I recently blogged about the heartbreak of having him prised off me screaming and crying here.

I'm relieved to say that he's now going in ok. Not happy but ok. He's just one of these kids who will never like school or leaving me. But I disagree with whoever said don't take them. When she starts school it is law, she has to go unless you are willing to take the time out to home-educate her. Yes it's tough leaving the security of your home and family but they need to experience that otherwise how on earth are they going to be able to step out of their comfort zones in the future?

Invite one of her playmates round for tea/arrange to walk in with another mum/let her take in a teddy/start a reward chart with a treat at the end of the week. My ds is a little different as he's now 7 but what worked was allowing him to take control of the situation and ask him what he wanted to do (to go in with the other children and not separately) but I do think that it just became less scary and he knew that I was the first mum to arrive to pick him up.

It's so very very hard to walk away from a distressed child. But this you must do and she will settle down. Best of luck.

nickschick · 08/09/2011 10:17

I said take her home I speak from my heart and play school isnt a place you have to attend by law so if the child didnt want to go and I didnt have to send it Id sooner keep them at home and try again later - it worked for my ds and helped him settle.

I do however H.E too.

TheRhubarb · 08/09/2011 10:30

But keeping them at home is a choice many of us don't have. And I do believe that staying firm and making them confront scary situations does help them later on in life.

I'd never have the patience for home ed. I quite like sending them off to school!

nickschick · 08/09/2011 10:47

Rhubarb I never thought id home ed either situations just got that way that it was the only option (ds1 was bullied by a teacher (we moved area eventually and he went to a different school) ds2 has long term health issues (we h.e him for 3 years hes now in his final year at secondary) ds3 bcos of these issues never went to school and so continues to be H.E)).

When ds 1&2 were small school was very much an important part of life as a nursery nurse I was working in the school too so I recognise the importance of school......my comments were aimed at the play group scenario and i did say if the op had to send the child to playgroup then persevere,but if she could keep her at home for a short period and then reintroduce playgroup that sometimes helps them settle easier.

I believe in staying firm too,but I dont believe children especially so young should be so miserable.

banana87 · 08/09/2011 10:51

If it were me I would need to get to the bottom of why she didn't want to go. If it was a valid reason (i.e. someone bullying her) then I would probably have words with the preschool before sending her back. If it wasn't a valid reason (i.e. I want to stay with you), then I think we would have a very long talk about how sometimes we have to do things we don't want to and SEND HER IN.

nickschick · 08/09/2011 10:54

Banana I think thats a good approach with ds1 he had sort of 'outgrown' the small playgroup and felt a bit bored and there were some dc there that were a bit boisterous and ds didnt 'like' that also some of the newer kids were crying so he just felt unsettled - I kept him home for half a term and then we tried a new playgroup.

TheRhubarb · 08/09/2011 11:02

I see your point but when it comes to school there are always going to be boisterous children, rough and tumble and yes there will be the odd bully. But the earlier we equip them with the necessary tools to deal with these situations then the better it will be. Pre-school is meant to be an introduction to school to get them used to the idea of leaving mum and mixing with other children. I've always thought that for shy kids, a gentle introduction was best.

A bullying teacher should be sacked imo and it's shocking that your kids nicks, have been through so much. But unfortunately there are bullies everywhere, on Mumsnet, at work, on the bus, at the end of the road etc and it's something we just can't avoid. As much as we'd love to protect our children from these things, we wouldn't be doing them any favours in the long run.

If there is an issue at school and you get the child involved in sorting that issue out then it teaches that child that problems can be solved with communication. So I would try to get to the bottom of it. But if it's an insecurity thing, then that will pass as she settles into the everyday routine of pre-school.

banana87 · 08/09/2011 12:25

At the age of 4 it is our responsibility as teachers and parents to take care of bullying. If my DD was consistently getting picked on by a particular child there is NO WAY I would let it go. They will learn how to deal with bullies as they get older, not at the age of 4.

largeginandtonic · 08/09/2011 12:46

I think you have to stick with it. Be consistent and send him in. It is heartbreaking and you question your judgement, especially with playschool being optional.

My ds was the same, hysterical at the prospect of being left. Anywhere, not just playschool. It took months and a new playschool with some very understanding staff to get him to be happy going.

Unfortunately his behaviour deteriorated again in the run up to the summer holidays. He started school this morning. It took 2 teachers to restrain him from running after me He was SCREAMING for me.

I had to walk to dd2's playschool as she was having her hour settling in session this morning as she starts there tomorrow afternoon. Honestly if she had cried too i would have probably curled up in a ball and sobbed along with them. Luckily she was ok. A very unsure ok but she stayed.

I came home and quickly phoned the school. He had calmed down. When i collected him he was happy! I have no doubt that tomorrow and many days after are going to be the same though

Incidentally he is dc6. The others were not the same at all. They are there own little people and do not all conform to the same rules.

thisisyesterday · 08/09/2011 13:39

yes, i said don't take her as well.

because it MAY be that right now she needs the extra security of being at home,

showing her that you understand that it's upsetting and that you're willing to change that, and that you will be there when she needs you is likely to give her a lot more security than forcing her to go and upsetting her each day, which could have the opposite effect... teaching her that even if she is upset you still leave?
then it becomes a long-drawn out process that won't end until she is much older

she is FOUR! she has a whole year before she needs to go to school (unless she is starting in jan?)
that's a whole year to get a bit older and a bit more mature and to get ready for starting school

not wanting to go to playgroup does not mean that she automatically won't want to go to school, or want to wash/eat/etc etc... does it?

playgroup is not the law, and if she really hates it and gets that upset over it i really can't fathom why you would continue to take her unless you really have no choice.

Original poster

jan123 · 08/09/2011 16:16

Thank's everyone for your advice.I went over again today....same thing happened..so I took her home she was getting very distressed....I went to her old PS which she loved, and with a bit of juggling she should be able to start back there next week...fingers crossed...

OP posts:

BlueberryPancake · 08/09/2011 16:45

I stand in the middle of the road with this one. Does the pre-school have a 'settling in policy?' - you might have to go through that process again. Speak to teacher/pre school leader and try to stay with your daughter for one hour the first day, then second day try to leave for ten minutes and come back, then try to leave her for an hour. If she needs reassurance I wouldn't let her cry. If it's a good pre school they must have a settling in policy or have suggestion as to what to do.

thisisyesterday · 08/09/2011 17:13

jan123, that sounds like a good outcome! does she seem keen to go back there?

Tarenath · 08/09/2011 17:22

I would definitely be speaking to your daughter, and also to the playschool to see if you can identify any issues as to why she is acting like this.

Is it the setting itself?
Does she miss friends at the old setting?
Is she simply trying to exert her will?

She wont be tantruming for no reason. You need to work on finding that reason and solving it.

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