Ds's (3.5) friends just run away from him.

[moonstorm]

I am at a loss as to what to say/ do.

He has been upset at nursery and I have just seen it for myself. (Not all the time by any means, but it only seems to happen to him in the group). Somethimes they all play really nicely together, other times they just don't want to know him (they are friends outside of nursery, he normally only sees them there.

We were at a picnic this afternoon with 2 of his friends. They were playing nicely , then the other 2 decided they didn't want him to be with them any mroe. The started saying xxx smells and running off. Everytime he went over they did the same. The parents didn't seem to bother until ds yelled 'shut up!' to them - then then came over all concerned at my son's behaviour!

How would you approach this. I have tried to give his various strategies, but he says he wants to play with them and that is that. I would love any ideas. I also don't know how to talk to other children when the parents are there (and are not doing anything) - if I say something, I feel like the child 'telling tales' on their children, yet I feel that I am letting ds down with a rubbish approach.

I really don't know how to intervene with other people's children. I would love some tips - I am dreading him starting school due to the adult politics! Ds is really gentle and kind until he reaches breaking point, then gets upset and lashes out - which is at the point when he gets told off .

I worry that he is starting to dish out some of this to other children now as well

I would have a conversation with some of his key workers at nursery and ask their advice, see how he gets on with these children when you are not there.
Sounds an upsetting situation for you to witness - no one likes to think their DC are not liked or picked upon. Unfortunately in life there will be some children who don't like your DS, and likewise some children who your DS won't like. Try nursery as your first port of call and good luck.

I have a similarish problem with my son too.

He starts being difficult and teasing if other children don't seem to want to play with him. It is different from your situation, but I understand all the stuff about giving your child strategies etc but them insisting that they play with these children.

After a year of this with my son I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing that I can do at all. He will just have to go through it all himself. I can't change anything that goes on in nursery/ school and when he's playing outside of nursery I am not much use there either.

As for talking to other children when their parents are saying nothing ... well I don't think you can do really, unless you know them and their parents really well, I would say.

Sorry - reading this back I am sounding really negative.

I just am feeling at a loss myself over a situation with my son. However I do believe that things will resolve themselves (perhaps naively) as he gets older and gains more strategies himself etc and also I'm hoping that school will have ways of helping the situation.

I'm going to carry on talking to him about it all and helping him to think of other ways of behaving etc - I think all of this is important, but don't think it can change anything over night.

Your poor ds. When similar things happen with my girls before my dd reaches breaking point if they are namecalling I simply call over to them "hope you're all playing nicely" or "dont call names it's unkind". That way you have dealt with it before your ds gets upset and it let's the other crappy parents know that their little shits are up to no good!

i have been seeing this with my ds who is 4 and his two friends who are both nearly 5. When the two older ones started to exclude my ds and be mean to him I got really upset infront of the other parents and said that i can't handle this. That it was like watching my heart being squashed. After a few lame comments by one of the other mothers along the lines of "they'll sort it out" I pointed out that it was cruel and that it was our responsibility as parents to teach our children what is ok and what is not ok. picking on other kids/bullying/teasing are all not ok.

Eventually, after i said that i was going to take ds home rather than sit and watch him being picked on, one of the dads went and had a very stern word with the boys, and then they were all buddies again and have been since.

good luck

Thanks for your replies. I think I need to work on a strategy to say something myself. They aren't parents I know very well, so I find it really hard to say some thing (I don't want to sound like the tale-telling mum)...

My good 'mum' friends wouldn't allow it to happen - we all stamp on this sort of behaviour (and others) immediately.