Help, 20 month old DD won't eat!

[Blatherskite]

I had it easy with DS. He ate pretty much anything from the start and with the exception of obvious cheese (ie not melted in/on something) ,raw tomatoes and curry, he still will now at 4.5

20 month old DD is a whole different matter and I have no idea what to do.

She eats breakfast well, in fact the first thing she does when we get downstairs in the mornings is to stand at her high chair and call to be lifted in. She will then happily devour between 1 and 2 weetabix normally so she is obviously hungry. From then on it gets harder.

She won't eat sandwiches or soup or quiche or any of the usual lunchtime things, she turns her nose up at salad and dip. If I give her something she does like - today we had noodles and spring rolls - she'll eat a very little bit then stop. Same with dinner. She will eat pasta with a tomato-y/bolognese sauce, beans or pretty much anything 'Little Dish' make but apart from that, she just pashes it away and refuses She used to love baked potatoes with cheese and beans but even that got pushed away yesterday, her previous favourite of quesadillas got refused last week too - she's getting worse and I'm panicing.

She must be hungry because when I call "dinner" or "lunch" she comes running and stands next to her highchair ready to be lifted in but then she'll take one look and turn her nose up. She must be hungry as she's only eating breakfast everyday!

Today I made plain, pan-fried haddock, boiled new potatoes, brocolli, asparagus and some purple cauliflower - all reasonably bland and easy to eat. I even gave her a blob of ketchup to help it go down but bar dipping her fork in the ketchup a few times she ate nothing. Then comes to argument between me and DH - I think she's too little to understand that she must eat her dinner to get a yogurt for dessert (although we do say this to her - repeatedly) and he thinks she's just waiting for the yogurt and shouldn't get anything if she won't eat her meal. The latter is how we work it for DS but he's almost 3 years older and so has more understanding of consequences. He thinks the yogurt fills her up just enough so that's all she wants. We refused her the yogurt today and let her down from the table but then she just cried as DS got his yogurt because he'd eaten everything on his plate and she wanted one too. I have tried giving other 'desserts' but she won't eat fruit either. She's eaten it in the past but very, very rarely, that usually gets pushed away too. On the odd occasion she does eat, there are lots of smiles and "Good girl"'s. If she's not eating, I usually leave her to it while I eat my food and then try to spoon feed her myself when I'm done - although this never works.

DD is also a very early riser (5.30am-6am) and I worry that not only is she too small to go without anything but that by not even giving her a yogurt, we risk her getting up even earlier because she is hungry. Beditme is about 7.30-8pm for both children.

All this is compounded for me by the fact that DD has always been tiny. She stuck to the 0.2 centile line in her book all the way up to a year. She's still wears 9-12 month clothes (she's just beginning to fit a few 12-18 month bits) despite being a few days off 20 months old. I'm just worried that she hasn't got a lot of weight to loose. I'm also worried that she's not getting enough nutrients in her diet of weetabix and mid morning smoothies. She's still dirtying at least 1 nappy a day so something is getting through, I'm just not sure what.

I have no idea where I've gone wrong or what to do next. Please help Mumsnet.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get as much as I could think of down at the beginning.

ConstantCraving,..
Yes my son was a fussy eater. It sort of becomes an issue that you try to solve. I kept trying to encourage him and negotiating and making deals with him - this went on for years until I met my current partner. He was with us for dinners quite often and after quite a while he asked me what the hell I was doing ? He said I was acting neurotic - which I totally disagreed with !
He said to back off and just put the food I had prepared on his plate same as on everyone elses - and then get on with the meal without paying my son any attention - If he ate it, good - if not just clear it away but give no other snacks in between meals ( which I had been doing, bcause I was scared he would be hungry) Over time my son had got used to the meal time battles and the attention. EVen though it upset him - he had some control over me because he had my total attention.

I won't pretend it was easy,.. I felt anxious for a few weeks and my son seemed to get worse not better - but slowly he just started eating his meals because he was hungry and getting no attention ! It took almost a couple of years before he ate the vegetables on his plate but I put them there every meal regardless. Its not something that goes away overnight - its a long game ! All I know is, it was better once I stopped stressing about it - life became easier for everyone !

Thanks for the feedback Davsmum - glad that it worked out for you and your son. I'm sure you're right about children picking up our anxieties, and though I try not to show it i'm sure she's aware of it.
I'm not one for giving junk food snacks - we just don't have any in the house so DD has never had them. I do think healthy snacks between meals are important though - all the literature states that at this age toddlers have tiny tummys and do better by eating little and often rather than being expected to do just 3 meals a day as we would. So I'm going to keep the 3 meals but reduce portions to snack size, and keep to the snacks between meals too. In time i'm guessing she'll eat more at meals and less snacks. Just wish I could widen her variety though - guess i'll just have to stay calm and keep trying!

CC,
I agree with you.
Children can be very odd though,.. My brothers son ( age 13 now) has a very small appetite. He always left 2/3 of any meal so my son suggested they give him smaller portions. He STILL left 2/3 of it - Whatever size they gave him, he only ate 1/3. In the end they gave him a normal size portion which meant he was eating more than when they reduced the portions.
I think it was an OCD thing !

Callum tried a pea at dinner time. It got spat out, but the main thing is that he tried it!

DD rejected her favourite pasta and pesto BUT I am not stressed, I am not stressed, I am NOT STRESSED!!!!! (Rocks gently in the corner... and goes in search of )

CC - why don't you go back to feeding her on your knee with books for a while? I wonder if maybe you could sit her at her chair at the table when you are eating with her as a family meal (breakfast, weekends etc) but if she is eating on her own, do it on your knee.

It IS pandering to her, in a way, but if it works for you as a family then why not? I try to think long-termist about these things, and she's not still going to be sitting on your knee being spoon-fed when she's 15 (or even 5!)

Occasionally, especially after nursery when he's tired, DS doesn't want to sit at the table so he eats some toast in front of Night Garden first, then eats his yoghurt at the table afterwards (which is messy as he self-feeds, so he knows he has to eat it there). It's not ideal TBH, but I am picking my battles on this while he is still very young.

Davsmum, thanks for sharing your story.

CC
I guess it was a bad idea to start letting her feed sat on your knee once she became a toddler - but its a habit she has got into. Problem is, when you start off doing these things you don't realise it may become a problem later !
Children like routine - and your DD routine has been to sit on your knee so of course she will not like it changing.
Her refusal to eat unless she is on your knee is her asserting her 'authority/power' over you. She knows thats what she has to do to get what she wants - and because she gets upset - you are giving in. I KNOW its easier said than done - but thats just the time not to give in.
Any child with intelligence will do the same.
Habits can be broken and so can routines - you just have to be more determined than she is. Of course - she is not worried about you - but you are worried about her ( so she has got you !!)!

I am sorry - but I believe giving in is the easy option. It may be easier in the short term - but we always pay for it later. In all sorts of ways.

I haven't read all the thread - need to go out in a bit - but felt I had to post.

My DD is now 8. She is a nightmare to feed.

When she was 5 weeks old she developed a lactose intolerance and it went undetected until she was 15 weeks. Those 10 weeks she spent crying for 23 hours a day, DH was on shifts, I had DS 4.5 to look after and it was sheer hell. Eventually GP prescribed Lactose free formulae and she was changed baby.

She developed fine on the formulae and loved it, I started weening at about 6/7 months and she was fine on cereals containing the formulae, ate food I made myself, just minced up our meals nothing special, all OK for a while. Then she stopped eating my meals - totally stopped. SO I changed to jars and tins, all fine again for a few months and she stopped eating again.

Switched back to home made food - not interested, and then the battle began.

I was so stressed at mealtimes and so worried about her not eating, to me she looked thin, I moved her on to cows milk at 12 months and she woulodn't touch it so did not have milk to fall back on.

I seriously regret the way I handled her not eating - I really wish I had given her no attention, and just got rid if the plate and not made big deal out of it - but I did.

I know have a 8 year old who has limited range of food and is very anxious if she is going to eat out in case there is nothing she likes.

When I say limited - I mean in types of things she will eat but also brands. If it's not a specific cheese, butter, cracker, sausage, fish finger - etc then forget it - she can tell the difference. She does get bored of things and then few months later will ask for them again.

She will try pretty much anything you put in front of her - no problem no issues - but you can bet your bottom dollar she will say she does not like it. And that includes different crisps, chocolate and cakes so it's not limited to 'real' food.

So to all you mom's in the situation where your child will not eat - please please be strong enough to take away that meal and refuse any other food until the next meal. DO not give attention at meal times to not eating, do not get stressed and realy truly pick your battles.

Good luck!

We had a breakthrough at dinner time - he actually ate sweetcorn. I about died with the shock of it passing his lips! It's a start...

Hi possum - what is it with the sweetcorn? DD ate it today too!! Only a few spoons, but it stayed in - and Davsmum she's in the highchair again! Fingers crossed.

Who knows - he's always turned his nose up at it before.

OP, I felt I had to post.

I could have written your post when my oldest dd was this age (she's now a healthy 10 year old btw). She was my first child, I didn't really have much of a clue about the whole weaning thing, just muddled through like anybody else I suppose.

She had a reasonably good start at weaning at 5/6 months or so. All went well till she hit her 1st birthday and then the lack of appetite and fussiness started. To cut a long story short, I had a year old hell with stress. She was also quite small and I was incredibly anxious about her size and thought she would stop growing if she didn't eat properly. (I now understand that a child's size is mainly down to genes not nutrition). I used to cry over her highchair nearly every day and then phone dh in tears that she hadn't eaten yet again. She liked dry cheerios as a snack and I remember after another uneaten tea and before bed, trying to stuff as many cheerios into her mouth as possible so she wouldn't wake up hungry in the night.

After the age of 2 her appetite gradually increased and I can happily say that at the age of 10 she eats normally and can polish off an adults steak and chips (costs us a fortune lol).

Another 2 children on and I now have the benefit of experience behind me. And also an excellent book - My Child Won't Eat - read it, you'll feel much better.

I now know the following:

It is completely normal for a child's appetite to dwindle during the second year of life. Their growth slows down and development is mainly mental rather than physical = they need less food

It is completely normal for toddlers this age to be fussy. In fact I'd be surprised about the ones who are not at some stage

Wanting your child to eat is one of the strongest instincts and your child KNOWS this. They know how important it is to you and how you react when they don't eat.

If they're not hungry they won't feel like eating. They will still grow and develop normally. Some children this age just don't need much food at all, their stomachs are still tiny. 2 mouthfuls may not look like a lot to you but it might be enough for them.

Above all, don't worry. I know this is easier said than done. Your dd is tiny because that's her size/shape. Not because she isn't eating well (at the moment). Oh and I would give her much smaller plates of food with not so many things on. The haddock thing sounds lovely but if you present her with fish, potatoes and 3 diff types of veg you're setting yourself up for a fall. Give her a tiny portion of fish, one potato and a small bit of one type of veg. Don't drive yourself mad. And there's nothing wrong with the odd fishfinger here and there.

And she WILL get better. Good luck.

Blathers how are you getting on? Hope you're ok - come back to the thread - dancergirl has made me feel loads better! . Thanks Dancer for your post.