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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is having 4 children just too much to cope with/afford?

12 replies

holeymoley99 · 03/08/2011 19:55

Hello! I am totally new to this. Only just joined because of this huge dilema of which i have absolutely no one to talk to about! Have just found out that i am pregnant! Amazing! Only , I have 3 children already. Hubby totally against having another. Money worries mainly. Am booked into hospital for termination but really don't feel that its what i want to do. Does anyone out there have 4 kids on a modest salary and copes without causing total hardship on the children? What a mess! Could do with hearing from some happy unstressed mummies of 4! ( could also show messages to hubby to try to change his mind) !

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mymumdom · 03/08/2011 20:03

We have 4 and they do take a lot of time and cost a lot of money. If both are in short supply, you will find it difficult, especially if your DH is not keen and is reluctant to help.
We have a good income and I'm self employed so can work around the kids and my husband is very hands on, and I find it difficult at times. But we muddle through and take each day as it comes.
BUT, I don't think you should have a termination if you don't want to. I don't know what the options are but think you need to talk everything through before you go through with an abortion for your DH's sake.
I hope it's just me though, and you get lots of people replying to you saying that 4 's a doddle really.

Original poster

holeymoley99 · 03/08/2011 20:10

Thank you for you advice! Very helpful and kind! Our salaries are probably not as modest as some families have but i think i am just in a bit of a panic . Glass half empty and all that at the moment! Lots of soul searching to be done!

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Chummybud1 · 04/08/2011 00:15

Hi there of course it's stressful having 4, it was stressful with 3. However I found that 4 is just another one, by the time you have 3 you know it all, so the fourth just fits in. When I had my 4 th my dp was working, then made redundant, now he works again, I also have a son who is dyspraxic and we manage. Ok I have had to accept 6 in a 3 bedroom house is chaos, it will never be tidy or organised but it doesn't matter.

My fourth baby was not planned, I considered an abortion, now when I see her with her sibling, laughing, playing, joking I regret even the thought, we manage,

You need to do what's best, it is sup rising how little the 4 th seems to change the dynamics of having 3.

rainbowtoenails · 04/08/2011 00:34

If your dp didnt want a 4th he should have worn a condom or had the snip. He sounds really horrible to try to force you into an abortion you dont want. Have you had counselling?

Tortoise · 04/08/2011 00:35

I'm a single mum with 4 dc and currently surviving on benefits. It's hard, but it can be done. In a way I like it because my dc don't expect things because they know money is tight.
And it is so much fun having 4, manic but fun!

Original poster

holeymoley99 · 04/08/2011 15:16

Thank you for your advice! I'd had an implant in my arm which was making me ill, constantly bleeding. So i'd had it removed and am on the waiting list for having a coil fitted. We were using condoms in the mean time but had a total disaster with one for some reason ( probably being totally out of practice ) . We were all on holiday in spain at the time and therefore couldn't get the m.a.p. There are no excuses, i know , i'm just so concerned about my 3dds and how this all would affect them. dh has the same worries too! Haven't had counciling! Wouldn't know how to go about it! Thanks again all for your replies! Really helpful and kind! What a lovely place!

OP posts:

feckwit · 04/08/2011 15:19

We have 4 children and have a lower household income than many (23k). I don't think our children miss out on anything. They might not get as many holidays as some, or as many days out etc but we make up for it with lots of love. Our annual holiday is loved by them as it is such a novelty, they are incredibly appreciative.

That said, we have enough money to pay the bills, feed them, clothe them etc.

SpottyFrock · 04/08/2011 15:26

Hi, I'm about to have my fourth in Sept! I imagine it's going to be chaotic but no more chaotic than having 3! I found going from 1 to 2 the hardest so I hope no4 will just slot right in. But then we're ok financially so don't have that added pressure.
We didn't plan this one either and it took a little while to adjust esp for DH but now he's more excited than me!
Everything else aside, you absolutely must not have an abortion you do not want just because your DH wants it. If he forces you to have a termination you dont want then resentment will grow and it will kill your marriage. If you want a termination, fine. But please think it through and do what is right for you.
Oh and whilst I naturally will not be able to give 4 kids as much as I could give 2, they will always have each other. Good luck!

Riveninside · 04/08/2011 15:28

No more expensice than 3 if theres only one salary coming in. And we are on. Very low income (under 20k with ctc)

Danthe4th · 04/08/2011 15:35

The 4th child really is no more trouble than having 3, my 4th is the cutest and coolest of the bunch. He just gets on with things, there is always someone older around to help him, and show him how to do something.

We have a small income 21k that my dh earns, I work pt as and when I can, tax credits help us survive. Yes things are tight but we don't go without, I shop for good quality food. My kids all wear good clothes.

I store everything to hand it down, my children treat toys and the house with respect as they know we can't afford to replace things.

We don't go on a summer holiday but we do go to center parcs the week before xmas as a huge xmas present to us all.

Space is limited as we only have a small 3 bed with 1 bathroom but we are all very organised and manage. We have 2 cars, 1 old runabout and an old 7 seater. The days of flashy cars are long gone!!

There is no way 1 more child causes us any more money problems than having 3 did, we have to live to our means, we always pay our bills on time and never go without, we may have to wait for things but then we appreciate them more.

The1andOnly · 04/08/2011 15:40

Please, please think carefully before going through with a termination!

We fell pg last summer (rare drunken night out) and although we only had 2ds's My DH was totally set against it. Also because money worries, 2 being enough etc.
I DID go through with a termination, thinking it was the only way to keep my marriage :(
Sadly it made things worse and we both nearly split because of it.
I'm not saying you shouldn't or should, I just wish I had thought things through and talked to my DH more about it.
Especially now we have spoken since and we are actually ttc this month!
I'm scared of having 3, and so is DH a bit. But I have to keep remembering...My dear mum had 5 of us on a single mums earnings... we all had fab childhoods and mum says she wouldn't have changed it for anything! :):)

coppertop · 04/08/2011 15:43

I have 4 children. The youngest is 10mths and the eldest is now 11. I found that the jump from 3 children to 4 was barely noticeable. My older three children think their youngest sibling is amazing, although I suspect the novelty may wear off eventually. :)

There hasn't been much extra in the way of cost either. We still had the same cot that the other children used, and also some of their clothes. The main outlay was for a pram/pushchair and a car-seat to come home in. I suspect our income is much lower than that of many MNers.

I think perhaps the most chaotic aspect of day-to-day life is making sure everyone's ready to leave the house at the right time. Otherwise it's not really that more difficult than it was with just 3 children.

At the risk of giving unwanted advice I would add that if you aren't sure about the termination then don't be pushed into it. I think that would cause you and your dh's relationship far more problems than an extra child would.

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