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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Advice needed - shuld i give DS 2.5 his dummy back??

23 replies

tostaky · 12/07/2011 21:56

after making a big fuss about the dummy fairy coming to pick up all the dummies and swapping for a much longed for bike about 2weeks ago?
Tantrums are on an unprecedented scale at sleep time, but the rest of the day is normal. tonight he even said he would give his bike back to the fairy and have his dummy.
he rolls on the floor, scream his heart out, kick the floor and refuses my kisses and cuddles and i have to really labour to calm him down a little so we can check all the places at home where the dummies used to be, and see that the fairy really took them all with her. then he calms down, sob a little and falls asleep in my arm in his bed.

2.5 is a bit young to stop the dummy? i cant think of any alternative coping way to teach him/show him...
should i give it back to him and wait until he is 3.5 or 4 to stop it? he was ok to have the dummy only for sleeping

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Original poster

tostaky · 12/07/2011 21:57

sorry for all the spelling mistakes and poor grammar...

OP posts:

BlueArmyGirl · 12/07/2011 22:02

Maybe you could try reminding him well before bed time (talking about having tea, having a bath then going to bed (without a dummy)....etc) that the dummy fairy has been and that he needs to remember that there are no dummies. Is here a teddy or something similar he could take to bed instead, this could become his new routine?

My dd was about 3 when we got rid of hers (dentist said that he could tell by looking at her teeth that she had one, I was mortified because she'd only had it for sleeps since before she was 2!).

Mutt · 12/07/2011 22:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

tostaky · 12/07/2011 22:09

he doesnt want his teddies - not interested at all anymore.
but you gave me an idea, we found a small plastic fairy in the park the other day and maybe i could make a bed for her and they could go to bed together or something like that. you are right i need to develop a new routine

OP posts:

Original poster

tostaky · 12/07/2011 22:11

mutt - theres no more dummies at home, but i can go and buy some...
i am also worried because we have a babysitter tomorrow and i honestly dont know how she is going to make him sleep....

OP posts:

Sallyssss · 12/07/2011 22:11

Definitely don't give them to him. He won't listen to your words, and think screaming is the way to get what he wants! Stick it out and he will soon forget them. (Plus 2.6 is definitely old enough to get rid of dummies!)

naturalbaby · 12/07/2011 22:16

don't give it back, it will make it worse in the long run. i got rid of my ds' a couple of weeks ago and it's gone much better than i hoped - they are 3 and 23months. i was really surprised my 23month old gave it up so easily and my 3yr has been heartbroken! he's been waking up crying for it but i had talked about it going a lot and it had a hole in so i made a big thing about it being broken and only babies need dummies (their baby brother has one).

i just repeat "it's gone now" and that's that. i feel really mean but i dragged it on for too long so would rather they learn that when i say it's gone, it really is gone as i am the one that has to deal with 99% of the tantrums and pushed boundaries.

Mutt · 12/07/2011 22:16

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/07/2011 22:18

I've made my feelings well known on this recently. You took away his comfort item and didn't give him any help in what to do without it, just so a box could be ticked somewhere. Whatever you do, don't "give in to him" or teach him that screaming gets what he wants, just teach him that it's fine for you to march in and take something he doesn't want to give up. Yep, far better parenting

BlueArmyGirl · 12/07/2011 22:20

Try not to worry about the babysitter. He might be great for her - different person and all that! Worst case scenario he's still up when you get home :)

Sirzy · 12/07/2011 22:24

Gwendoline. What a bizzare attitude, the op makes it apparent to me that she didn't "march in and take it away"

Children can't/shouldn't have dummies forever and I see nothing wrong with stopping them at a certain point. I agree with the view of most on here, stick it out and try to encourage another comforter if that's what he wants.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/07/2011 22:28

That's nonsense. Give me one good reason to take a comfort item away from a child? From what the op says he didn't have it during the day, didn't talk round it, it's not rotting his teeth blah blah. It's everything to do with what the parent wants and nothing to do with what the child wants.

BlueArmyGirl · 12/07/2011 22:35

Whilst I can see your point of view, dummies do cause problems with teeth. Dd only had hers during the night from being 2 (and before that just for sleeps - inc in the day - and when upset) and it was affecting her teeth according to the dentist. Losing the dummy is part of growing up.

Original poster

tostaky · 12/07/2011 23:08

gwendoline - i am not asking whether what i have done is right or wrong, i am asking for tips to help my child cope better. have you got any?

mutt - obviously you dont have to deal with the same tantrums i have to deal with... i just cannot ignore them....

naturalbaby - when i say "its gone now" it has zero effect on his tantrum. im not even sure he can hear me talking as he screams so loudly.

if the tantrums werent that bad, id have no trouble sticking to it, but the tantrums are really out of control

OP posts:

naturalbaby · 13/07/2011 08:16

i know what you mean when you say he screams so loudly he can't hear you! i talked to my 3yr old a lot during the day about how it's gone, when he is calm enough to talk and think about it. if he also gets any hint that he might get it back he is much worse so i think by looking round the house to prove they're gone, he thinks he will find one and then is more upset when he realises (again) they really are gone.

how was last night? i think it's been 2 weeks now for us and the crying for dummy has stopped, i read it takes 2 weeks for toddlers to forget about them.

Gwendoline - we took the dummies away for the children's benefit. we didn't just decide to throw them away one day without warning because we felt like 2 weeks of hysterical/upset children. what a judgmental and rude thing to suggest!

allosaurusrex · 13/07/2011 10:28

GwendolineMaryLacey

Some reasons to take away a comfort item from a child (my DS gave up his dummy a month or so ago - he is 3 and very much loved his dummy).

His speech has improved (pronunciation, always had good vocabulary). This is despite the fact he mostly just had it for night time. Plus, dummies are not great for teeth or oral hygiene generally.
Fewer tantrums. He knows he doesn't have one now so no quarreling about wanting it during the day.
Better sleeping. He doesn't come to me in the night now having lost his dummy and upset because he can't find it.
He got a really cool toy after 1 week of managing without it as a reward.

I'm not sure of the answer, 2 weeks seems quite a long time to go and still be asking for it. However, if you give in this time it's going to be really, really tough the next time you try to get him to give it up. IME my ds actually became more attached to the dummy around the 3yo mark. I'd say persevere, but I'm not sure what else you could do - you sound like you're doing everything right.

fabmum1966 · 13/07/2011 12:59

I think if the dummy gives him comfort let him have it he will give it up when he is ready.As regards the effect it will have on his teeth I wouldnt bother too much about that my ds had a dummy at night until he was 6. { he has special needs] His teeth are perfect. He decided one night he didnt need the dummy and it was thrown away. We had tried forcing him to give it up but this made him unhappy. He only gave it up when we relaxed and didnt see it has a problem.

monkoray · 13/07/2011 13:06

Um this might be a really bad idea but could you teach him how to comfort himself by sucking his thumb instead. He obviously needs that soothing at night that you get from sucking, maybe he hasn't realized he had his very own dummy attached to his hand. Or is that just going to cause thumb sucking problems?

naturalbaby · 13/07/2011 13:37

my 3yr old started putting his fingers in his mouth after i took the dummy away and i put a stop to it sharpish - having seen dribbly toddlers with a dribbly thumb hanging out their mouth all day i'd rather my 3yr old didn't walk around like that all day. i sucked my thumb all through primary school but only at bedtime so i see the point but my boys have comforters as well so have something else to fall back on if you see what i mean. if they only had a dummy and no other way or soothing/settling themselves then i probably would have left them to it.

i do feel mean taking his dummy away but it is worse to give it back - what sort of message does that teach a child?!

Mutt · 13/07/2011 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkoray · 13/07/2011 17:39

Lots of posts are saying don't give the dummy back on the basis that it will show ds that tantrums get results. I'm not sure that's true.
I think if on day one you'd given the dummy back when he kicked off it would certainly have given that message but after 2 weeks the message it might give is "ok we tried that and I listened to the fact that you are still miserable after giving it a go for 2 weeks so I have reevaluated the situation". Especially if you produce the dummy before the bedtime tantrum starts so its return is completly unrelated to the tantrum. You could say "I realize that you have been unhappy without your dummy so I spoke to the dummy fairy and we agreed you can have one dummy back for a little while but only for bedtime".
I'm coming from the perspective that I don't think dummies are great (my ds has never had one), but I also don't think they are bad enough to have a daily battle for a fortnight or more. I also think its ok to change your mind about how to approach something if you find its not working, and I don't think that necessarily undermines you as a parent.

WakeUpRosemary · 13/07/2011 20:21

Take him to a shop and buy a newborn dummy from an obviously 'baby supplies' shelf.Just say-'Look here are the baby things lets get you a new dummy just until you are a bit bigger.'The newborn dummy will have a small less satisfying teat and I think you will find he gives it up himself very quickly.

moggiek · 13/07/2011 21:06

My DS2 had a dummy for bed until he threw it in the bin when he was 4. DS3 sucked his thumb until around the same age. Both are now 20-somethings with perfect teeth and excellent careers. It's not a battle, so try not to stress. He will tell you when its time for it to go :).

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