help ... my 2 yr old daughters behaviour

[holben]

I have lots of experience with my 2 older children. My youngest is a 26 month old girl, who is gorgeous/funny/ etc, BUT, she behaves in a way my other two never did... She seems to have a couple of good months then bad ones. She has tantrums, she seems to cry/scream/shout, and is extremely loud. At the moment if i put her in her pram/car seat she has a tantrum, & gets quite distressed, i would love for her to walk but she wont wear reigns or wrist strap. So she can at times scream the whole journey. She wont let me put slides in her hair(its long), i can just about get shoes on her, as again she screams. It seems whenever i have to get her dressed or do something with her she kicks off(which i can understand), but it doesnt lessen my frustration. I just dont like how it can affect the whole family, if we are trying to do things. If we are home she is happy it we evenutally get somewhere ie., park she is happy there. She is talking as she should, but i understand that perhaps she cannot express herself as much as she needs, which frustrates her. This recent episode of behaviour just seems to be so much worse than before. I do ignore her and get on with things, this hardly ever works, i realise this may be 'the terrible twos', but at the moment things are just getting so difficult with the pram/walkin as mentioned above so i would just like some words of hope from anyone else who is going through or gone through this that this may end soon.... or please any tips on how the best way of dealing with this behaviour.... thanks x

hi, sorry i have no advice but i have twin boys just turned two and while one is pretty good, the other is very wilfull. He currently wont go in his buggy most days and if i insist he will cry and scream and tantrum and just wont give in! i have had days when i have been determined to go for a walk with them in their buggy and have forced him in and set off for a walk thinking that in a battle of wills i will win and he will quieten down after a few minutes but he just doesnt - kind of embarrassing walking down the street with him making that much noise!!! I also have a problem with shoes with him, he has these cute little summer crocs he loves and he will throw a major wobbly if i try to get anything else on his feet at the mo. again, he doesnt give it. i suppose some two year olds are just worse than others!!

i just keep thinking of the good old 'this too will pass' thing!!!!

I would reduce the number of battles as far as possible.

Let her go barefoot if she wants to - she'll soon learn that streets/the playground are more fun if her feet aren't getting sore.

Cut her hair short.

When it comes to the buggy how do you get her into it? Do you have to force her? My dd (2.2) went through a phase of refusing to get in it but now she knows unless she gets in of her own free will we don't go out. There are very few errands/outings that can't be postponed! If she wants to walk she knows she has to wear her reins. End of story.

It sounds like she wants to do more for herself. Remember that for her, going in the buggy or getting dressed aren't 'the things you have to do so we can go out' or whatever. They are just as much activities as the going out itself. So getting herself dressed is something she probably wants to be able to do as much as she wants to go to the playground. She will also sense your frustration. Can you work with her a little more rather than against her?

thanks for your replies. I will be cutting her fringe short(as nearly grown out). Your right there are some things that we have to do, but she is missing out on other stuff(park etc), as it is too much bother. You saying about her wanting to do things for herself, she did put her shorts on herself the other day, so i think i will encourage her to put her shoes on herself, fingers crossed. I just find it difficult because as much as she understands there is still alot she does not, so it is difficult to reason through some situations. Maybe she just craves more independence. to the first reply, i have also had to put her in her pushchair and she has screamed the whole way, some people must think i am awful just letting her cry, but some people are just to quick to judge and do not realise how much this goes on and we have to get on with things. thanks

SHe sounds very similar to my DD who is 2.7 and extremely strong willed. We have had similar issues, walking, hair, buggy, clothes to name but a few.
Hair is now cut in a very short bob and looks v cute and so much easier. When she was your DD's age we had one of those backpacks, it was a monkey with a long tail, which luckily she loved. Clothes, I actually posted on here a while ago and got similiar advice to you, choose your battles etc. DD is a lover of pink and girly which I can't stand but after posting I went shopping and got a few hideously pink items that I knew she'd go for and just let her pick from them. Hopefully the pink phase will end soon! My DD also hated the buggy, we never really solved that one, though we now have a buggy board which she adores. In no way have we cracked it, currently we are stuggling with bedtimes/early waking and potty training looms. Shoes & socks are also ongoing battles, though to be honest I have ditched socks at the moment, they were causing so much consternation and she tends to wear wellies. I have found play the best way forward in many situations, turning it all into a game, though I do find it tiring. Not sure if you are into parenting books but I have found Playful Parenting & the How to Talk books good, also Spirited Child looks good, though v american and I have only dipped into it, certainly I have read really good reviews on here for the first two. It must be tough though especially if your first two have been more easy going. HTH

thanks for your last reply, i like the advice of choosing the battles, also thank you for the books you recommended, i will be getting those:)

I'm sorry, she's 2! DS1 didn't "do" 2 at all, DD2 knows how to do it to perfection. Picking battles, rapid distraction (works a treat with younger ones, like "Won't put on my shoes Mummy!" answered with "would you like oatcakes or grapes for your snack in the buggy") and allowing as much indepndence as poss (Dd2 goes to nursery in her pyjamas and bed in her clothes (clean) if she wants. It will pass!

holben, yawningbear you are describing my dd who is also nearly 26mths to a tee!! I seem to be going through very similar battles as you, and at times just don't know what to do as I also have a 4mth dd to look after and a dh who is working away from home most of the time.
It has got to a point where if she decides to have a meltdown we either don't go out or just leave where we are as I get so tired of the disapproving looks or comments. My dilemma is that if I try and ignore some of the tantrums then it just gets to a point where she is so worked up that she can't calm herself down, so I have to intervene. Then I worry that she sees this as a victory as she is getting a reaction to her behaviour and so it continues!!! Aargh!!!
Am trying to work through the 'issues' one at a time but sometimes it's a case of one step forward and about 5 back! I've just bought the book toddler taming as well as the others mentioned so hoping that will offer some good tips.
Must be crazy as am trying to convince my dh that we should go for another dc!!!

minkiemoo, it does sound similiar, we have a 5 month old DS here too, though fingers crossed he is showing none of DD's wilfulness and it was very apparent in DD from day one . Regarding the tantrums, when DD was your DD's age I did just try & ignore. However they are pretty extreme, head banging etc so now I still stand my ground, will try distraction, if that fails & tantrums starts, I let her scream for a few minutes, seems to help her to get some of it out and then I encourage her to go her room, usually ends up with me carrying her. We then try and focus on calming down, she tends to start crying rather than screaming, I try and get her to start breathing deeply & more slowly, or at least focus on it. I then just try and stay with her whilst she calms down, sometimes I have had to hold her really close to me which has worked although when DP tried this it just esculated things. In the space of a month or two this approach really seems to have clicked with her and whilst she can still fly into huge tantrums/rages she is also beginning to learn how to calm herself as well. I think some of the ideas are much better explained in the Spirited Child Book. It makes sense to me that she needs help in learning how to manage her big intense feelings. I also remember reading a sleep book ages ago which talked about using visualizations with toddlers to help calm them and get them ready to sleep, keep meaning to dig that out and see if there is anything useful that could be adapted. Goodluck, its not easy with a babe in tow thats for sure!