Tantrumy 3yr old - making us all really unhappy

[SarfEasticated]

My dd will be 4 in a few months up until a few months ago she Has always been a joy to be with, but now she is a complete tyrant. Screaming, hitting, throwing things when she is tired or over excited. If we try to pick her up on how it's rude to shout, she denies it by yelling "I wasn't shouting". It's actually really difficult to deal with, as I feel I don't actually like her sometimes, especially when she is so filled with anger and violence. DH and I get quite despondent and down after a bad bedtime bout. We both feel like we have done a really bad job raising her, and that she hates us:(. She is a complete angel at nursery, but exactly the same with her grandparents. What can we do?

Perhaps this isn't the case, but if u can't think of anything obvious that would cause a change in her behaviour ie new baby, change of nursery... Then it may well just be another 'toddler phase' where they go mildly bonkers and drive you up the bloody wall with rudeness and behaviour you can't understad... Then as quickly as it starts, they become angelic again. This is how it is with my wee man who is almost 4. He can be kind, thoughtful, caring ..... Or rude, demanding and tantrumy.... And it seems to come in waves. Think I am slowly learning not to read too much into it, try VERY HARd ( although I always fail) to remember he is only 4 and simply try and ride it out.... Although I always have days where i shout, parent badly then get overwhelming guilt post bedtime. And then I tell myself I WILL get round ton reading that book that is always recomended on here -how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk..... And then I promptly have a VERY LARGE glass of wine and fall asleep.. And the cycle continues.... Anyway thunk I'm trying to say it will hopefully pass quickly and try not to beat yourselves up as u are probably doing a bloody good job-it's just hard ton see that sometimes through all the guilt! X

I think tantrumming is just a stage that some children have to work through: my dd certainly did. I wouldn't even bother to try to talk to her while she is in tantrumming mood, just restrain her so she can't hit you and don't engage. They grow out of it.

If she's an angel at nursery, then she clearly feels comfortable enough with you to really let her feelings out and or experiment with strong emotions which is great and exactly the way you want it to be. I agree that it is certainly a phase and she will grow out of it, but it doesn't make it any easier to live with in the mean time!

When my DD did this, I joined her and copied her. She's experimenting. Show her it's OK to experiment and join her in her play. She might not like me copying her initially, but if I stick with it and make it sillier and funnier, before you know it you'll all be giggling like crazy and cuddling and making up. With mine, I only had to do this a few times and she has now completely stopped.

Thanks everyone - will try not to take it so badly - must toughen up! Thanks again

my dd is just three and has only recently started to tantrum. It can seem to be whole days of just tantruming. I feel like a failure these days and by the time she is in bed am at my wits end. When shes tired its AWFUL! but she will not nap in the day anymore, so ifs shes tired by midday then i know that we'll be at loggerheads all afternoon. I hate when she shouts at me- she frowns and points and shouts- its so rude and offenssive and i find it really gets my back up. But then i think she is getting this from somewhere and that somewhere is me
I hope that its a phase. They're testing boundaries and at this stage they really seem to feel the need to assert themselves. Their emotions are felt only in extremes. So she is either manically happy or furious.
I find that (when i can control my own anger this is) lowering my voice and speaking quietly can bring dd out of a shouting fit. Also, sounds awful, but when she is being cheeky, answering back and shouting at me, i have been known to simply walk out. If she follows me i quietly tell her that i will come back when shes had a minute to stop feeling so angry. She will often then calm down. But nothing works all the time and i do shout at her more than i should and have caught myself getting into arguments with her
And dont feel bad for sometimes not liking her or her not liking you. Through my life there have been times when i have disliked my parents and im sure they have disliked me. But I have always loved them dearly and they me. If you think about it all relationships have rises and falls, that goes for friends, lovers and family.
This too shall pass