What can your 9 year old do?

[balia]

DH is getting all uptight about the progress of DSS (9). I agree he is a timid child with not very much confidence but think we both need a reality check on what is usual for a boy of his age. What can 9 year olds usually do? I'm thinking independently, socially rather than educationally, no worries there. And also what about fears? DSS seems to be frightened of everything.

I think we shouldn't be comparing DSS with DD (DH's DSD) because she is a very confident young woman (the other end of a normal spectrum, IYSWIM). I would really appreciate tales about other 9 year olds!

DS1 will be 9 in September.

He is reasonably confident and enjoys playing out with his friends. They go to the park at the bottom of the road together quite often, or just kick a ball about or ride their bikes.

I can send him to the village shop with a list and some money and he will bring back what he is supposed to.

He enjoys sport, especially football. Today he won the highest goal scorer trophy with his under 11 football team. He is also quite good at cross country and recently came 31st in his age group in a competition for the whole of Wales.

He is very good with his younger brother and sister, in fact he taught DD to read. He has always been good with them, he always helped a lot when they were babies. He does fall out with DS2 from time to time (there are only 20 months between them) but nothing serious.

He never gets in fights in school. Academically he is pretty good, top or near top of the class at everything and working with the year above in most subjects.

He also sings in the school choir and plays piano (he is working towards grade 1).

He can be a bit of a perfectionist and sometimes gets frustrated and upset if he can't do things. Sometimes he will cry (only at home, not in front of his friends) about the silliest things.

Hope this helps!

In what sense?

My DD is 9y. She is quiet and loving, and happy and enthusiastic. And full of quiet confidence.

She loves her drama and sining and loves to performance. This afternoon she has been performing in town, stood on stage in the city centre, singing solo and loving every second!

She is bright and able but lacks confidence in academic work. She has dyslexic tendancies but is working hard to overcome them, with support, and is doing above average at school as a result of her own hard work.

She is very sociable and has lots of friends. She loves to play outside on our cul de sac with local (non school) friends, as well as having playdates with school friends. She has, just the last couple of months, been allowed to go, with friends, to our local park for an hour at a time.

She isn't scared of much tbh. Loves big roller coasters, loves films like harry Potter, and loves doing activities that involve taking calculated risks such as climbing and bouldering.

At 9yo DS1 got into a lot of fights. Had trouble with self-esteem and refused to be part of any club (got bored too easily and didn't like to try if he didn't think he'd win). Eventually we moved him to another school (sorted a lot of issues). I was nevertheless fine about leaving him alone at home for an hour or letting him go to the shops by himself.

At 9yo DD is very confident, does loads of clubs, relatively successful at things like music & sport. Is a good loser.

Both: Squabble with siblings like mad, hardly ever play out, could walk to and from school by selves, couldn't organise selves out of a paper bag -- actually, DD is okay with routine stuff, but DS was too lazy (is much better now, 11yo). DS better at speaking to folk like club organisers, but I'm working with DD to get her to take more responsibility.

Is that the type of stuff you meant?

Mmm... forgot about performance; tbh, drama is one of those things I see NO POINT in. But for what it's worth, DD is quietly confident about standing in front of whole school (can play solo violin or be a cheerful narrator in assemblies) whereas at 9yo DS would have seen any part in a school Assembly as no better than a tedious chore. At new school, now 11yo DS has a much better attitude towards drama, even had a lead role (no stage presence, but I was amazed he did it!)

dgd is a quiet child who likes to draw and read usually in her room alone.She has a small group of close friends and they have known each other since nursery.At school she is extremely able but regarded as a bit 'odd' by others in the class.She loves music[plays piano]Shakespeare and reading.She hates any sort of outdoor activity-cannot ride a bike but can swim.She is very untidy and dreamy but very sweet and a joy to talk to-can be a bit pre-teen hormonal and a bit snipey with her younger brother.She has just turned 10.

Please Balia, don't try and compare him with anyone. Everyone is different and can do different things. Some kids are very able and can do anything they put their minds to and others can't, just like adults. Some kids aged 9 are still very young and others are more mature but it really doesn't matter. By the time he is at uni or work he will be independent and that is the main thing.

Being frightened of everything is probably just a phase. He will be too embarrassed to show that amongst his friends within a year or two!

DS does lots of sport pretty badly, knows his limitations but does it anyway, because he enjoys it. He has nice friends. He is a bit nervous about going off on his own, although we try to encourage it. He is happy to stay with other people and go on cub camp etc. He will act very happily but won't sing solo. Again, he knows his limitations!!!

My 9 year old (10 in two weeks) is shy and unwilling to talk to people who he doesn't know. But once he knows them he is confident and happy to approach them on his own. Hates any kind of performance.

My 8.5 year old twins are similar to ds1 but even more unwilling to approach people - takes them longer to get their confidence and it can be easily knocked. They are improving as they get older. Both hate any public performance with a passion.

DD has turned 10 but thinking back a couple of months....
-Go to local shops on her own or with friends to buy bread/sweets/post a letter (involved crossing a busy road)
-Shop on her own in a familiar shopping centre an meet us at a pre-arranged timeand place
-Cope with a long bus journey with older kids an wait sensibly if we were late to collect her
-Walk happily into social situations where she knew no-one and make friends
-Talks easily to adults, looking them in the eye etc.
-Performs on stage happily

Can't think of anything she's scared of-skis, jumps off diving boards and so on. She can lack belief in her own abilitie which is a mixed blessing.

Thanks everyone!

Mumsiepie Good reminder, but I'm not trying to compare DSS with anyone, just to get a general feel for where he is right now. DH is a bit of a worrier and feels that DSS is a lot less confident than other children (people have remarked on it) and he thinks we should be aware of it and give DSS opportunities to develop confidence. DSS wouldn't/hasn't done any of the things in marialuisa's list, (your DD sounds like a lovely, confident girl, BTW) but he also doesn't do much from anyone else's list, either. He clings to DH's/my hand in all public places, never talks to other adults or children except very close family and even then not unless 'spoken to' on many occassions. He's happy playing with DS (4) in the back garden but not in the street or park. With encouragement, he has ridden his bike round the estate a couple of times recently. Certainly doesn't do any drama, performance or anything like that.

Don't get me wrong, he is a lovely, kind, sweet boy. He's clever and gentle and curious about lots of things. He has a great sense of humour. But we both worry that his shyness/fear is becoming out of the ordinary and may become a problem, and we want to help. It's not a phase, he's always been a bit quiet and timid but now he's getting older it seems more marked and out of the ordinary.

I understand what you are saying but I can think of at least 3 boys in ds year (age 11) who are just beginning to do things in marialuisa's list. Take it easy and remember he is quiet and timid and will take longer and just revel in the fact he is a lovely, kind, sweet boy. He's clever and gentle and curious about lots of things. He has a great sense of humour.

Will do - and will try to reassure DH. But OTOH, do those 3 boys in your DS's year hold hands with an adult everywhere they go? I'm not talking about dumping him in town and making him make his own way home, but perhaps encouraging him to walk to the local shop on his own, or get him to join the cubs so he is interacting with other kids of his own age.

DS2 (10 in 2 months):

Wouldn't go to the park on his own, though we're pretty urban so children don't play out much. Will walk or cycle on ahead to get home if we're out together.
Does go to the corner shop by himself to buy comics/get milk or bread. Two quiet roads to cross.
Is OK to be left at home for 15 or 20 minutes if I'm not going far.
Often still holds my hand in public on the way to school or shops.
Goes to cubs once a week and drama club on Saturday and has made friends with children outside school. Has been in plays and will audition for shows.
Is physically unconfident and scared of trying new sporty things - does karate at school but didn't want to be in a display at the weekend because he thinks he's not very good at it and is upset that he's in a race on sports day because he'll come last in front of everyone.
Plays piano and clarinet and likes performing them to friends. Would play to class or in assembly if asked.
Shy with strange adults and will look down and mumble.
Still plays with teddies a lot and has involved imaginary life.
Until recently, got upset at the thought of sleepovers, though went on 2 nights away trip with the school - quite homesick though.

Sorry, I meant to say that many children of this age are a strange mixture of babyishness and growing confidence - so DS2 can be really 'little boyish' at home and about some things, but suddenly very grown up.

Also, he's matured a lot between just 9 and nearly 10. Sometimes children are scared of growing up and it's a balance for parents too to encourage their independence if they're quite shy/reticent, while not forcing them too far outside their comfort zone.

Cubs or an outside club would be good if your DSS is at all willing to give it a go.