Behaviour advice for 6 & 8 year old, rude & disrespectful :o(

[hangonasec]

hi, new to this forum, could anybody please give me any tips or recommend any books on how to help my children??!!! We are at the end of our tether. They are rude, disrespectful, don't do a thing we ask etc etc. They are also very aggressive and fight each other all the time. We have tried reward charts, taking things away, rewarding good behaviour etc etc. I know that part of the problem is there is too much negativity in our house but it is so hard to find things to be positive about!!! I made them reward charts recently with the most ridiculously easy targets to try and get some praise going but they just couldn't be bothered!! At school my eldest behaves perfectly, teachers love him. Middle child just drawn to trouble makers and youngest great but is starting to copy the older ones. All ideas gratefully received!! Thank you!

Try the super nanny website for advice? Only one I can think of but hopefully someone can give you better advice.

Do you follow through with your punishments/threats? (Like taking things away and earning it back).

Do you 'model' how to speak respectfully?

If the eldest is great in school he knows how to bevhave.

They are playing you, but can't advise on where you are going wrong.

Good luck though!

behave not bevhave obviously!

Hiya, thank you for your reply. Will definitely look up that website, I'm all for more tips! I always follow through with threats, my husband not so much. I know I am not being a good model lately in that I shout way too much but sometimes it just seems the only way to get their attention and make them respond, argghh! I try and explain about respect and have benchmarked it for them by saying if you wouldn't speak to your teachers like it, then you shouldn't really be talking to us like it. They say they understand that, but then take no notice. And the moaning.... god the moaning...!!!

Thanks again, am off to that website right now!!!

Hi there - I cannot recommend the Baby Whisperer (solves all your problems b teaching you how to ask the right questions) by Tracy Hogg enough to parents of toddlers but I think her chapter on behaviour could actually help you with your elder 2. DS1 was incredibly spirited - fought everything - nappy changing, eating, and sleep - tantrums +++++ We followed friends/parents /supernanny advice re naughty step/time out but it didn't teach him how to control his emotions. The behaviour chapter will take you about an hour to read and explains that discipline is about training not punishment - but here is one thing from it that we use all the time. What the baby whisperer recommends is that you need to teach your child to be emotionally FIT

F = feeling - acknowledge the emotion - I understand that you want that toy because it's so nice....

I =Intervening (explain why he can't have it) - but you can't have it because it's not yours/ too expensive/ we came out to buy milk not toys ( i.e. No negotiation eg you can have it if you promise to tidy your room etc)

T= telling ( what you expect from him or what he might do instead) so let's go home where you have many toys of your own to play with

After we started this - we couldn't believe that it really worked and it was 300 billion times better than the naughty step/time out which were just punishments. I believe it is also better than reward charts cos you're actually teaching your child the skills they will need in the real world.

This is just and example and although the book is meant for under 3s I think the principles are still relevant to slightly older children....

Thanks sesamechoc - that sounds great! A very common sense idea when you think about it but I find that I am so caught up in looking after my children's physical needs, working, running a house etc that I can no longer see or think clearly. I know that I am doing things in the wrong way but I am just so tired and so bogged down by it all that I can't unpick where we're going wrong. Having clear little strategies like that to refer back to are so helpful. I shall borrow that book from one of my friends (I know a few who will have it!) and in the meantime definitely give the FIT approach a try - thanks again :)

I also should have said that we were committed and did it with every episode ( it's easier because you just think of it as training - instead of getting angry you just think FIT and go through a process rather than getting emotionally exhausted yourself- you may well need to repeat the FIT process a number of times per bad behaviour episode)

We both agree that it took a month for his behaviour to improve dramatically !!!. He's currently much better at managing his own emotions and frustrations and is generally lovely! ( now 41/2)