Shocking behaviour in 7yr old ds, am desperate....

[KatiesKittens]

Hope someone can help. My partner and I are at the end of our tether with my ds. He is constantly being rude and cheeky, answering back, speaking to my partner and I like dirt (I wouldn't dare talk to my own mother the way he does), lying and making up stories and refusing to do as he is told. This morning he threw his school shoes across his room because he "hates" them. We have tried countless punishments, time out, removing favourite toys, grounding, sending to room etc but nothing is working. I have tried to calmly reason with him and find out what is making him behave like this, all he will say is he misses my ex husband. He then gets very tearful and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Does he see his Dad? Children who are grieving, as it sounds like he is, can have behaviour like you describe or they can become withdrawn. It is called acting out or acting in. Try the opposite of punishments because he might be feeling everything is his fault anyway. I don't mean treats but lots of hugs and love and understanding. It is easier to do this if a child is crying and withdrawn than if they are being rude and cheeky but they need it just the same. Children, even at the age of 7, don't always understand and think if 1 member of the family has gone it might be their turn next.
Don't know if that helps and sorry if it's not helpful!

Yes, you have to keep some boundaries. But I have had and still have similar behaviour from my son over the past few years (now 10 and suspect hormones are starting too). I'm sure it's because he wants attention and to feel loved.
So in those few moments when he is being nice-remember to be loving and nice too. It's just very worrying and unpleasant and hurts at the time. Keep positive. It's part of being a Mum, another pain to endure, and if you talk to others, it happens alot, people just don't admit it. I think it is all normal and it'd be alright in the end.

I have a 7 yo DS and the behaviours you describe sound fairly normal to me. Not all the time, but sometimes.

You mention punishments and discipline, I take it you've tried the praise route? It works much more effectively with my DS than punishments. I'd have thought at 7 he would have outgrown sticker charts, but no, he adores them. (He's a very competitive child ). At the moment, we have a 20 sticker one with a cuddly meerkat as the prize. He gets stickers for specifics, but also for good batches of time, where he has displayed positive behaviours. I don't tell him in advance, just give it to him when its happened.

is he feeling a bit insecure after all the change? maybe he needs a bit of time and attention. can you try to make things fun also? try being a bit silly? Just an idea really - don't know if it will work.

Your OP mentions lots of different things that are going on with your DS's behaviour at the moment.

If you have a moment, it might be useful to have look at some of the video clips on www.parentchannel.tv/5-9-years for some ideas on how to handle his behaviour. As well as some experts, there are lots of parents talking - so you'll know you aren't the only one who is coping with this sort of stuff.

Is he in regular contact with his Dad? What are those visits like?
It's possible that he is 'getting away' with bad behaviour with your ex-h (Disney Dad phenomenon).
If your ex is giving your DS everything he wants and overlooks rudeness etc, then this will be very confusing for him and he might be acting out with you because of the contrast between your parenting styles.

Lots of non resident parents fall into the trap of spoiling their children because their time together is limited and they are worried that their child won't like them if they discipline.

Can you talk to your ex about it?