I'm ashamed to say by 10 year old DD is turning into one of those nasty bitchy girls I read about on here

[sandyballs]

. Until recently she has always been friendly with a couple of lovely girls who are a bit quirky, very swotty and musical and just lovely. She hasn't been part of the so called 'in' crowd and has never seemed bothered until now.

She seems very impressed by and eager to please one particular girl who has always been very popular. I have noticed DD going out of her way to do anything to gain this girls approval which has invovled being mean to the other two girls. We have spoken about this and about being kind, not saying unkind things, 'putting herself in their shoes' etc and I thought I was getting through. Last night she went to a dance club with one of the old friends and as soon as she came home she went to her room and rung this new girl and I overheard DD describing what her old friend wore, and how she danced, really bitching about her, basically making out she was a loser ............ desperately trying to impress this new girl.

I'm so upset and disappointed with DD. What can I do? She lied when confronted and denied saying any of that, just stormed off and slammed doors and became very defensive.

Tricky one.

How about a sort of "criticism by praise" approach where you say that part of what you have always liked about her is that she is [insert nice, thoughtful characteristic] and you're worried that she might lose that and become [insert bitchy characteristic].

I don't have DCs her age yet, but I remember that one of the main things that kept me "on the straight and narrow" when I was tween/early teens was wanting to keep my mum's respect and liking. I didn't want to do anything she would think was nasty or stupid ... Sounds like you have a good relationship with her so maybe that would work for you?

Hmmm...tricky. You can't decide who she can and can't be friends with, and it's no good trying to make or stop her being friends with certain people, but I would want to have more of a talk about why she has so suddenly gone off the older friends and changed to fit in with the new ones. Was the old trio being collectively picked on by the in crowd perhaps and now your DD has her 'ticket' to the in crowd she can escape that? Did the old trio have a falling out etc? Has your DD been 'chosen' by the in crowd girl as another way to 'get at' the quirky/swotty ones? What is so great about this new friend? Why does she want to be friends with her so badly and what does she like about her?

I don't mean to over-complicate things, it's just it seems that there must be more to this than just randomly deciding to not be friends with them anymore, and I don't think just talking about being kind to everyone and putting herself in their shoes etc. is getting to the root of the issue.

I also think separately you need to deal with the teenage strop type behaviour (at 10, gah!) and nip it in the bud now. She needs to know that it is not acceptable to lie and slam doors etc. And on the phone in her room? Not necessary at that age surely?

But in general it sounds like something has gone wrong in her friendship life to make this happen, so try and find out what it is.

D

Thanks for replies, I have had a long chat with her and pointed out how kind she used to be and how disappointed we are and she seems to have taken it in. Let's wait and see!

She couldn't really tell me what is so great about this new girl and swore that nothing had happened to put her off the old friends so who knows!

I agree about the teen stroppiness though, that needs to stop at 10!

Not judging in any way, but perhaps not allowing her to use her phone in her room might help. If she was going to bitch, she'd have to wait til she saw the popular girl the next day, by which time, other things may be on the agenda, so the moment may have passed.

She might even be relieved at not being able to 'report back' to popular girl - she can blame you for not letting her use her phone.

Actually I think you totally got through to her when you told her you'd overheard what she said. The fact that she had a so-called teen strop - storming off - shows that she was embarrassed and angry at herself and doesn't know how to deal with it. I doubt very much that the anger was genuinely directed at you.

I agree that the 'disappointed' tack is a good one - you need to give her space to be sorry in (it's very tempting to push and push a point because you think it isn't going in and you're coming up against a brick wall, when in fact the reason they're not replying is because they're trying desperately not to cry. I think we've all been there.). Supporting her relationship with the nicer girls will also be helpful to her. She will understand the importance of loyalty and backbone as she gets older, and the shallowness of 'popularity' and the personal compromises you have to make to get it and keep it.

Good luck - to you and to her. Personal relationships are tough!