lost my hold on my 9 yr old DD

[Emmteethree]

This is my first time ever posting anything on the net - but I feel like I need some help regarding my DD. She is a fun lively and very friendly girl, that is full of energy, with a huge positive attitude to life and she has the ability to not get herself down about things (in other words has the ability to easily just switch off and forget certain situations) my problem is her behavioral skills with us (the parents) she does not listen to instructions or follows through. She interrupts and is very self absorbed as a person and has no self-control. She is not mindful of her younger brother who is 3.5yrs old. She has a negative influence on him. he copies everything that my DD says and does. This infuriates us and all we keep doing as a family is fighting with her and trying to make her understand that she has to set a good example to her younger brother and if she listens and knows when to stop, all would be okay. I think I should also mention that my DD is quite well behaved when its one on one and we end up doing something alone with her, she is great. I have been reading up about ADHD and my DD fits most of the Inattention symptoms. I am not keen on putting her on any heavy medication, but have no idea what to do with her like this. I thought of some sort of therapy might be useful. Is there any body that might be able to give me more advice, as we are desperate now especially since baby no3 is on its way.

You could be describing many other 9 year old girls. How does she get on at school? Does she sit and concentrate there? Are there ever any consequences to her actions? Do you give her a list of instructions or just one then let her complete that one? Maybe some parenting classes would be helpful, and your HV should be able to put you in touch with one.

I know it might look like I am describing many 9 year olds, but I feel she is acting out and I would like some sort of control or guidance. In school, she is the one with the big personality and everyone knows her. In class she is fairly good and I have never had negative repose from teachers, apart from taking a while to settle and gets distracted easily. In playing, she seems to always be delegating and be the one in charge. she gets along better with the kids that allow her to do this and are happy to follow with whatever my DD suggests. Because of her happy lively attitude, most of her friends are happy to participate as she is always happy to include everyone. She likes to play in large crowds, but she is the one leading the pack always otherwise she does not like to play and tries hard to change the game in her favor.

I wouldn't worry too much about her influence on her younger sibling tbh; that is a big burden to lay on the shoulders of an older child. Your ds is simply going to have to learn that he has to behave well because you expect it of him- as your dd will have to learn to behave because you expect it of her.

As for her behaviour, I would start as Madlizzy suggests with having a word with her teacher. Does she have problems at school? A certain lack of self control is not unusual in 9yos; some girls go through the pre-pubertal stage at this age and get quite difficult. Dd was very emotional at this age, ds was defiant and inattentive. We just kept plugging away with our usual house rules, tried to stay calm and consistent and not to worry too much.

Don't worry about heavy medication: it takes quite a lot for doctors to suggest that these days. Even if it is ADHD, other approaches will be investigated first.

attention-seeking. Do U have any one-to-one time together?

I do suspect its attention seeking, and the one-to-one time is few and far between. I think I will have a chat with the teacher, HV and we will try to be a bit more consistent with rules and give her consequences for her actions if she does not follow through. Thanks for all the comments so far.

If she has very clear boundaries and expectations, with consistent consequences, good and bad, both you and she will find life easier. She sounds like a lovely girl. :) Agree with the one on one, and you could do this when DS has gone to bed. Only needs to be about 20 minutes to bake together, colour, do nails etc and she'll love this.