At the end of my tether with my hormonal and difficult DD!!

[Girlyheaven38]

Hi Im having major problems with my DD who will be 11 in November. Shes always been assertive and able to stick up for herself but it now seems like its gone into overdrive and Im wondering whether its hormonal. Shes constantly arguing, shouting and at times screaming at me and her 2 sisters, the middle one shes particularly awful to (8 yr old) -I have to physically separate them at times, slamming doors and general arsey behaviour. Im on my own with them all as I left my husband 2 years ago and our divorce is coming through in a few weeks. I left before the atmosphere was bad enough for my girls to see and feel we've all coped remarkably well with everything. However my DDs behaviour is really upsetting me as its happening at school. Ive been called in several times by the head about various spats with a couple of girls and the latest one this morning shed been overheard swearing at one of the girls which is hideous as she knows we abhore that sort of behaviour. Ive tried most things like banning Guides which she loves - I wont let her have a mobile yet as I feel shes too young but had said to her i may let her have one in yr 6. Shes due to sit the 11+ in Sept and has been doing extra work but doesnt seem that stressed about it and academically is doing really well at school but I feel she may need some time on her own with me. Just dont know what to do with her!! Please help!!

I have 3 dd's 9,7 and 2. My eldest is a nightmare. She bullies the other 2 and constantly shouts in their faces. Shes fine at school. At home she screams at me for the slightest thing. She has calmed down a lot now as for the past 2 weeks instead of the 3 of them going to grannies the eldest has stayed with me and we have done things together. She has even went as far as saying she hates her sisters and wishes it was just me and her.

I am a single mum and juggle time between the 3 of them. DD2 7 is fine with this. Its only the eldest who seems to feel left out.

This sounds just like my DD but now its escalated at school and her assertiveness is being misinterpreted as bullying at times. I know shes not like this normally and when shes on form shes just lovely (as they all are!!). Just at a loss what to do. I think I may need to spend a bit more time with her on her own but when youre on your own this is difficult. Im so tired at the end of the day (work part time) that by the time theyre all in bed I just want to flop and my youngest will be up like a shot if she thinks shes not getting "extra time" with me!! Ex is being difficult as usual and refuses to help out - floundering a bit here!! Just hate the nasty, screaming argumentative girl shes become :(

I know i feel the same, i cringe at times. At 11 the hormones could be kicking in as well. Im lucky granny can take the others. Why dont you pretend everyones going to bed, thats what i do, then sneak the eldest downstairs for a while. Just watch a movie and stuff your face or do her nails. Mine seems quiet happy to just know shes sitting downstairs and the other 2 are in bed. It makes her feel special i think and as shes older she gets to stay up longer. My dd7 would try and come down if she knew but she doesnt as we are so sneaky. Give her a couple of late nights in the holidays.

Hormones are wonderful things! The main two things I would advise are pick your battles and do not argue with her. As soon as you engage in an argument, you've lost the battle completely.

Other stuff - make sure you recognise good behaviour and achievements, same as you would with a toddler.
Give her responsibility of her behaviour - how she chooses to behave means that she chooses consequences, being that negative or positive. This means the sentence "it's not fair" can not be uttered as she will have made her choice, whether bad or good. (my lot hate this, but it's been very effective).
Try and give her special time where you can do slightly more grown up things - pamper session when the other girls have gone to bed, a DVD maybe.
When she strops off to her room in a temper, leave her to it. This is her way of calming down and it's a good thing.
If she attempts to argue with her, but your hand up, say "I am not arguing with you" then walk away.

Obviously, she'll never be perfect and you'll always have your moments with her, but the above has been effective with my kids on the whole.