22 month old with speech delay

[theDudesmummy]

Hi, I don't know what I am looking for really, maybe just a bit of moral support. My beautiful 22 month old DS does not talk (at all) and I recently took him to a private SALT, who did not make any specific diagnosis yet, but is sending me a "programme" to work with him to help him. She did say, after going through a questionnaire with me, that he had "gaps" in his development.

After doing some internet reseach I am beginning to get really really worried sick, mainly because he does not point, which appears to be real problem from what I read. I have tried over and over again to get him to point, at things in books, in the street, etc, it is ending up with him frustrated and crying and me upset and angry. I spend hours repeating simple words, over and over, reading him simple books and pointing things out, over and over and over again. In the bath I play with his boats and say boat boat boat probably five hundred times, every night for several months now. When we get in the car I say car car car as we drive, over and over, sometimes for an hour or more. He just does not seem to understand what it is about at all. He has not said one word. I am getting so upset my all this I am beginning to feel I don't want to be with him, even feeling angry and resentful with him that he just does not get it, which then makes me feel terrible, guilty, a very bad mother.

I feel very very bad writing that, I hate to admit it, but it is true and I feel this is beginning to affect my relationship with him.

I can't enjoy him any more, as I did so much when he was younger, I am beginning to dread spending time with him. I just want him to say ONE word, point to ONE thing, and he doesn't, ever. I have become convinced that he will never talk.

It is not helped by the fact that my DH is getting increasingly cross with me, telling me I am making a mountain out of a molehill and that DS is not really speech delayed and that the developmental guidelines in the books and on the internet are just people being prescriptive and judgemental with no validity. This has led to some big fights, which does not help my state of mind. (He does agree to go along with the programme the SALT sends, and is very hands-on and involved with DS's care, and I know will do all he can for him, but he is just not prepared to accept any "label" for his son).

I am sorry this is so long. I am becoming very upset and miserable over this.

Well Bestname, you are completely right. I know all that to be absolutely true, and in another situation I would be saying to the person exactly what you are saying to me. I am, with or without depression, a bit of a catastrophiser (or as DH calls me, a 'panic mechanic'). It is just so ahrd to stop worrying in these circumstances. This little boy is so precious, he came to me so late in life (- am 47) after so much heartache and difficulty, after I had given up on the idea of having a child, and now I suppose I have all kinds of dreams and then fears about what could go wrong, and how I would cope if hen and the future, are not as I have now imagined. I am upset with myself because I find myself having feelings of anger and exasperation towards him, I want to tell him just say something so I know you can, so I know you understand the point of it all!

I am going to try and calm down and stop getting so worked up, yes. Thanks for all the advice.

Thanks for that calm view too rattling

Hey I'm currently waiting for a hearing appointment for my 2 yo DS. He also has speech and language development behind his peers. He does communicate in a non-verbal way and has about 6 words.

For a long time he was not interested in talking - he could make himself understood - and then he was ill for about 3 months with colds, flu, stomach bugs and chest infections and he seemed to stop developing his speech and language. We think he might have glue ear because he can hear but doesn't speak but can hear.

I find it very helpful to run through a mental checklst to reassure me. Mine is this:

1. DS is bright and inquisitive
2. He has good physical coordination
3. He shows affection
4. He communicates non-verbally
5. He has good fine motor skills
6. He is happy and loved.

I find that helps me put into perspective the not talking. He will talk, but we just have to find out what the problem is (we think it's ears but it might not be) and then do something about it.

Maybe you'd find something similar useful? Focus on the positives, accept the problem and look for a solution to that problem.

You are not alone.

hi,

just to say that I spoke to my sister and she couldn't really say a lot other than it would be worth getting him assessed, which you have already done. And the consultant paed has said he is ok. But also that I totally understand where you are coming from, I am just the same about my long awaited little boy, who is almost exactly the same age as yours, I think.

Thanks again all or the thoughts and for bothering to take the time to reply with such helpful advice. I feel a little more positive today for some reason and spent time just enjoying his company (very good company it is too, he is so funny and full of laughs) after getting home this evening. He is quite the dearest little thing and so good natured(when I am not nagging him to talk every moment) as well as physically so active and together. The SALT's programme has arrived in the post, DH took it first out of the envelope and read it very carefully then said he is happy to go along with it as although he still does not think there is a problem it 'can't do any harm can it'. He immediately took DS to the playroom and started doing some of the suggested things with him! I will take some more time to digest it and to explain it carefully to the nanny, will draw up a 'key points' documant for her tomorrow and we will all start working on it.

Meanwhile, he seemed to say dada to DH a couple of times this evening (woudn't that just be the way! No mama of course!). I am not going into denial pof ant potential difficulties, but have stopped myself being in a flat spin (for the moment anyway). Thanks everyone. I will keep calm and carry on.

Oh typos again sorry! In bed with blackberry again!

how interesting that your partner's older children also talked late. It runs in my family too. A GP once suggested to me that it was "normal for your family" and I quite liked this way of thinking about it.

Both my children had big language delays. DS1 grew out of it all by his sweet self in his third year. DS2 didn't start to grow out of it until early in his fourth year, and he needed a lot of support (from me, largely drawn from the special needs board on this forum, and from his nursery). He got there in the end. Now he is thriving in reception with some quirks, but with normal friendships with his little mates, and he is very good and reading and writing.

You don't know yet whether his language will just switch on quickly. You have to be cheerfully ready for it to do so yet also prepared to help it along if it doesn't. That's why I like the It Takes Two to Talk book - it's so positive and doesn't make you feel that the not talking is a problem, yet also shows you how to improve your techniques. I will not increase any tendency to depression.

by the way your son sounds lovely, and reminds me a bit of my kids. They also had great imitation skills and lovely personalities - it was the complex gestural stuff they struggled with (for a while)

Bestnameever, I'm not sure ifyou realise how forceful your post was - something to be careful of, perhaps, when you are talking about a complex area like child development. (I've fallen into the same trap myself)

ah, just saw your last post about your DH - top bloke.

You sound so much more positive. Hang on in there there will be progress eventually and you're doing all the right things.

I will get that book and have a read. Yes, my DH is in fact very nice indeed, but I have been cross with him lately and, I think, somewhat demonised him earlier in this thread. He certainly loves his son a great deal.

Bestname was rather forceful but I agreed with much of what she was saying. Also, there are lots of differing opinions and thoughts on here, as in most threads on Mumsnet and of course one has to take all as a pot of different ideas and take what you wish from each. I'm ok with that.

I am one of these people who expects, if you plan and organise things properly and effectively, that you will get the expected and desired result. I am learning now that this does not work with babies/children! They didn't get the memo explaining what is expected and when! (I should have suspected this when I had an elective caesarean all booked, and work committments arranged around this but DS failed to consult my diary and arrived a month early, plunging plans and diaries into disarray!)

Dudesmummy Does he follow a point, if you point at something does he look at your finger or at what you're pointing at?

Speech therapy at this age is mostly about improving their listening skills, not about pressuring them to say anything. You said he has trouble following 2 step instructions, I might work on that. Otherwise when you're with him you talk slowly & clearly & a lot about what's happening and what he's doing, letting him hear over and over the words he might like to say for himself.

3 of my DC were significantly delayed talkers.

All my kids said a lot of other words before they said dada or mama meaningfully, btw. Words like Tractor and shoe came first.

There was a whole thread on here recently about not reassuring parents of speech delayed kids that all is fine, when really there was much more than speech delay going on. Most of what you describe in your DS sounds pretty good, though.

A bunch of people on the Internet can't diagnose him.

I think whatever happens you will cope, honest.

You will, btw, if you ever have a 2nd child, have completely different, weird and difficult things to worry about, You'll look back on the DC1 and think "Whatever problems he had, at least he didn't have X, Y & Z problems that are driving me crazy about DC2 now."

I'm a qualified nanny and worked for a few months running a group with a speech and language therapist and previously nannied for a little boy with global developmental delay who went to both private and group speech therapy which I observed, though I'm by no means a specialist.

To begin with, you are doing all the right things and your ds is very lucky to have you! Secondly, there are broad guidlines for assessing children but there are always children who are at the far end of any range. Consider his red book and how there's the average 50th centile, which is what statistics will be based on, but there are children who will be in the 95th centile too. Language and other milestones are no different, it may mean that there is an issue, and if there is you are making steps to helping, but equally he may just be a late talker.

My suggestion, though I know it may be hard, is to stop all the repitition you are doing. Say 'Let's get in the car' but not spend the entire journey repeating the word car. It's frustrating to you, will cease to mean anything to your ds and really isn't teaching him anything. The basics of language can be found in turn taking. I speak then you speak then your turn again. This means simple taking turns games can help him to understand how language begins and the rules of how it works. This will also give you something fun to do that will help without getting all bogged down in words.

I would suggest still asking him questions as well as observational narrative, even if he doesn't respond. At meal times say 'Would you like the blue cup or the red one?' and let him choose then comment on his choice, this is involving him in the conversation, even though it's non verbal. When out in the car say 'Can you see the dog? What animnal do you like?' Leave space for response even if he does not speak, when he does start to talk he will be able to fill that space, but it must be there for him to use, to understand it's not only you who talks all the time! Follow with telling him your favourite animal, do some animal noises.

Babbling is a good sign, it is the beginning of words even though they are not sounds you recognise! Children learn words because we repeat back to them sounds that they make that are familiar. If it sounds like he says dada, which you recognise, repeat and give him attention and positive reactions to he will learn to do it.

Could really go on for ages but I must go out as I'm already running late and thats probably enough for you to digest for now! Good luck!

I'm a qualified nanny and worked for a few months running a group with a speech and language therapist and previously nannied for a little boy with global developmental delay who went to both private and group speech therapy which I observed, though I'm by no means a specialist.

To begin with, you are doing all the right things and your ds is very lucky to have you! Secondly, there are broad guidlines for assessing children but there are always children who are at the far end of any range. Consider his red book and how there's the average 50th centile, which is what statistics will be based on, but there are children who will be in the 95th centile too. Language and other milestones are no different, it may mean that there is an issue, and if there is you are making steps to helping, but equally he may just be a late talker.

My suggestion, though I know it may be hard, is to stop all the repitition you are doing. Say 'Let's get in the car' but not spend the entire journey repeating the word car. It's frustrating to you, will cease to mean anything to your ds and really isn't teaching him anything. The basics of language can be found in turn taking. I speak then you speak then your turn again. This means simple taking turns games can help him to understand how language begins and the rules of how it works. This will also give you something fun to do that will help without getting all bogged down in words.

I would suggest still asking him questions as well as observational narrative, even if he doesn't respond. At meal times say 'Would you like the blue cup or the red one?' and let him choose then comment on his choice, this is involving him in the conversation, even though it's non verbal. When out in the car say 'Can you see the dog? What animnal do you like?' Leave space for response even if he does not speak, when he does start to talk he will be able to fill that space, but it must be there for him to use, to understand it's not only you who talks all the time! Follow with telling him your favourite animal, do some animal noises.

Babbling is a good sign, it is the beginning of words even though they are not sounds you recognise! Children learn words because we repeat back to them sounds that they make that are familiar. If it sounds like he says dada, which you recognise, repeat and give him attention and positive reactions to he will learn to do it.

Could really go on for ages but I must go out as I'm already running late and thats probably enough for you to digest for now! Good luck!

apologies for double post!

I think the OP has so much good advice now that it's time to back off and let her put it into practice. These threads are always tricky as no one can say there is definitely an issue just by reading an internet posting but equally it's not really possible for anyone to know there is definitely not an issue either. Suggesting that 'waiting to see' is not always the best approach does not mean that the OP and child are being railroaded to a diagnosis of something.

ds2 is speech delayed, he's 2.2 now and has been under SALT since 12 months. He never babbled like other babies, had a very limited range of sounds (mostly grunting, shrieking and ah-ah-ah) and is tongue tied and seems to have limited mouth movement. He had feeding issues as a baby and also drooled badly until 8/9 months.

He said his first word just before Christmas... Mama and now says Dedai, yah and mo (no) as well. The turning point seemed to be learning sign language, he's been more willing to co-operate since we started signing and is a little braver about trying out new sounds.

He's been having lots of SALT as well and his therapist has just decided to try a different approach designed for children with oral dyspraxia (which it is assumed will be his eventual diagnoses) as he's not progressing at all really with the usual methods.

This method will apparently involve us mimicking the sounds he uses for things and gradually working up towards the correct pronunciation.

So for apple for example we'd start with 'ah' which he can say already, then try 'ah-uh', 'ah-puh', 'apple'. It'll take a long time and be slow going and tbh, no one but us will understand him even if he does co-operate and copy the early sounds but SALT feel that it's the best way to progress at this point.

I did get frustrated at points but at the end of the day, if ds2 can't talk it's not his fault, he didn't choose this and it affects him far more than it does me. He's a sweet, charming, cuddly little boy who needs his mother to be on his side and fight his battle for him and even more so needs to know that even if no-one else understands him... his Mama does.

I no longer worry about whether he'll ever speak coherently... I just worry about whether he'll be happy, as I do with my other two. Everything else will work itself out.

4th para of Highland tea's helpful post is v. good advice, and v consistent with Hanen/It takes two to talk approach - at this stage lit's good to leave time for non-verbal conversational turns by your DS, which might be a gesture/noise/movement towards object.

glad that now programme from salt has arrived, DH is getting stuck in, and you both have something concrete to work with.

My dd1 was like this until she was 3 years and 4 months. Then her speech exploded and she would not stop talking! She is now 6 years old and talks very well, can write joined up and reads fluently.

At her 2 year check, the HV was not happy with her speech. Dd1 was sent for a hearing test (which proved her hearing was good) and a 1.5 hour assessment with a SALT, who suggested to wait and see as dd1 understanding was fine. This was at 2 and a half years old.

I would add that dd1 changed nurseries when she was about 3 years old, and I do attribute her sudden improvement in her speech to this, but everyone else says that's rubbish and that she would have florished in the same way at the other nursery.

My ds now attends the same good nursery and he was speaking fluently and well by the time he was 3 years old. Hence why I 'blame' the 'first' nursery for not having done more to help dd1 but that's history now.

Anyway, good luck and I hope your son's speech will improve soon.

Lots of lovely and helpful people here, thanks so much for taking the trouble. I have read and reread all that has been said. I have ordered the suggested Two to Talk book.

Nanny and I have gone through the SALT's programme this morning (he spends 6 hours, three days a week with her so she is quite an important part of his life) and she is highly enthusiastic. There are things that are similar to those that have been suggested on here (thanks for all the suggestions), and also stuff like playing "taking turns", doing "ready steady go" and other things. Not too much to take in, but will take us a little time to get into it all. Also getting his attention and always getting him to look at you when you are talking to him, which I don't think we have really been doing. Lots to work on and think about. The SALT is going to see him with all three of us adults together in a few weeks' time to see how we are going.

I also appreciate the advice about loving him/being there for him whatever, even if he does turn out to have a difficulty of some kind.

Bestname, you sound like a mental health professional? (I am one, although my ability to put my professional knowledge into practice when it comes to myself is not always too good!).

I suppose I feel at least I am doing something now, but also value the feeling that I am not alone, thanks so much.

Going off on a bit of a tangent here, but I liked bestnames sentance about 'Severe anxiety, the kind that has you awake at 3am extrapolating from the common mild nonspecific problem to devastating consequences is not helped by reassurance.' I can definitely fall into this trap. DS is nearly 22 months and still has a bit of a soft spot...the GP is not concerned but i have found myself on horrible horrible Doc Google reading about nasty progressive illnesses. Most of me thinks I am being a bit bonkers, but there is still a bit which doesn't.

Anyway, glad you are in a better place OP. It sounds like you are doing everything possible, and relaxing a bit about it will probably help you and DS and DH.

PS wow that book was expensive to order (£63 for a second hand one!). But I am sure it will be worth it!

My local library had a copy so it's worth checking there first. And also at our library if they don't have a book they can order it for you for a £1 fee (if they think it's worth ordering).

Oh well I have ordered it already now! I get the feeling it is the kind of book I will want my own copy of!