22 month old with speech delay

[theDudesmummy]

Hi, I don't know what I am looking for really, maybe just a bit of moral support. My beautiful 22 month old DS does not talk (at all) and I recently took him to a private SALT, who did not make any specific diagnosis yet, but is sending me a "programme" to work with him to help him. She did say, after going through a questionnaire with me, that he had "gaps" in his development.

After doing some internet reseach I am beginning to get really really worried sick, mainly because he does not point, which appears to be real problem from what I read. I have tried over and over again to get him to point, at things in books, in the street, etc, it is ending up with him frustrated and crying and me upset and angry. I spend hours repeating simple words, over and over, reading him simple books and pointing things out, over and over and over again. In the bath I play with his boats and say boat boat boat probably five hundred times, every night for several months now. When we get in the car I say car car car as we drive, over and over, sometimes for an hour or more. He just does not seem to understand what it is about at all. He has not said one word. I am getting so upset my all this I am beginning to feel I don't want to be with him, even feeling angry and resentful with him that he just does not get it, which then makes me feel terrible, guilty, a very bad mother.

I feel very very bad writing that, I hate to admit it, but it is true and I feel this is beginning to affect my relationship with him.

I can't enjoy him any more, as I did so much when he was younger, I am beginning to dread spending time with him. I just want him to say ONE word, point to ONE thing, and he doesn't, ever. I have become convinced that he will never talk.

It is not helped by the fact that my DH is getting increasingly cross with me, telling me I am making a mountain out of a molehill and that DS is not really speech delayed and that the developmental guidelines in the books and on the internet are just people being prescriptive and judgemental with no validity. This has led to some big fights, which does not help my state of mind. (He does agree to go along with the programme the SALT sends, and is very hands-on and involved with DS's care, and I know will do all he can for him, but he is just not prepared to accept any "label" for his son).

I am sorry this is so long. I am becoming very upset and miserable over this.

Thanks for that. I am not assuming a hearing test is a waste of time, I am beginning to think after what you say, that maybe I should get one done, I suppose I was just going on the fact that neither the GP, paediatrician or SALT recommended it! I will look into this soon. Thanks very much.

TotalChaos, do you think I need an NHS assessment as well, on top of the private SALT's assessment (which is ongoing, she is going to see him again in a few weeks, together with both my husband and the nanny so she can talk to all of us about helping him consistently).

I think you shld go through nhs system as well, obv we all hope your lad comes on a lot v soon, but if extra help is needed at nursery or on starting school its best to be in nhs system too.

I think you should get as many assessments as you can but an overall developmental check by an NHS paed would be a good starting point. Some of things you mention could raise concerns and nothing will be achieved by hoping they go away - even if they do go away they are genuine concerns at 22 months.

A hearing test is standard practice even when it is obvious to everyone that the child can hear - it is just a box to tick

hi there,

my sister is a SALT who specialises in this sort of thing, I am seeing her tomorrow and will ask her thoughts on your son. I do know it is possible to just have an isolated speech delay, which really doesn't matter as it all just comes together in the end, but I'm not sure how significant the lack of pointing might be. It sounds reassuring that both the professianals you have seen are not too worried. Poor you, it is horrible to be worried about your DC, I know, particulary if you and your partner are not on the same page about it.

Hi, you were on another thread recently weren't you? the one where I recommended the wrong book?(!)

Everything you are feeling is very natural and normal.

I would get the It Takes Two to Talk book asap (safe to leave around the house - won't provoke your husband).

When you go back to the GP, emphasise that your concern is that your child doesn't seem to understand you (the classic example is that the child may respond to "hang up your coat" but if you change it to something silly like "hang up your sock", the child still hangs up his/her coat - so use something like that if it applies to you). They take this more seriously than not talking per se

Don't ask me why, but the Hanen people say not to try to "teach" pointing until a child has "shared attention" so back off on that. You do sound a bit like you are still in the "trying to get him to talk" trap.

Are you using many visuals yet? Keep at it if so.

It is great that you are addressing the issues so early. Somehow you've got to act yet also be more relaxed, so that you and DS are enjoying yourself (and then you can take advantage of those spontaneous opportunities to increase complex communication).

Re, your partner - tell him you need to get DS a hearing test as he may have "glue ear" like lots of kids (sounds a lot more neutral than the other words your partner has been using so should keep him calm). But get it done somehow, because health professionals can't really assume it's a language problem until they've eliminated hearing problems.

My DH tolerated monthly updates from me (when helping DS2 was almost my full-time job) but he said he wanted to feel like DS2's daddy, not his therapist. You have to find a way that works for you all as a family.

You aren't alone, good luck.

Hi - does he understand things at all - like do you want a biscuit for instance?
I have know loads of (now perfectly fine) children who have not said a word until after 2 but they did normally show signs of understanding things -
I would go the nhs systems as well and get hearing test just to rule it out- and have you spoken to your health visitor at all? some can be very helpful
and do spend time contrating on having fun with him - what games do you like to play - does he liking singing- etc -

My youngest will be 22mths on Friday. He doesn't "speak". That is, he has no clear words. He does point at things and make noises - eg his eldest sister's fish are 'sshhh' and the cat is 'yow'. If he wants something he points and squeals.

Until I read this thread I was not worried as he understands and is a bright little spark. I am not sure how much you are expecting from your ds but I would agree that you should maybe get his hearing checked.

Hi, a nice lot of helpful replies, thanks so much. I am writing on my blackberry in bed as I am so so tired, up since 3am this morning worrying about this all! Will get some sleep and reply more properly tomorrow. One thing I can just say though, he understands pretty much everything you say, like let's go out, time for bath, go upstairs, get off there, npo don't do that etc etc

With that level of understanding, there is a lot you can do to promote communication further. How does he communicate now if not verbal? If he wants a drink or biscuit or favourite toy? Will he use signs or gestures? Do you think his play skills are similar to his peers ? Sorry to ask all these questions and obviously no one on the internet can really say whether there is a problem or not which is why it's a good idea to have a real life developmental check. If all is well, you won;t have wasted anyone's time.

It is like he understands the idea of language jist fine, but thinks it is something for other people and not him! You can tell him put the toy in the bag, give me you r handie, let's put on the shoes, and he responds appropriately. But he actually point or ask for anything himself. He doesn't really use any gestures apart from thowing things when he is cross with them, or food when he doesn't like it.

I already took him to the consultant paediatrician for a developmental check, his report said that DS is 'broadly within the range of normal' but he felt the SALT might 'help him to vocalise'.

I will look into the Two to Talk book, but I am also expecting the KprogrammeK from the SALT to arrive in the next day or two (she emailed me yesterday). I suppose I am getting so stressed and prssured that it is not helping, and the difficulties about this with my DH, with whom I normally have a great relationship, don't help. He continues to maintain that I am 'trying to find something wrong' with a lovely little boy and suggets that this is because there is something wrong with me (I suffered from postnatal depression last year, quite badly, and he thinks this is all about the depression coming back and me 'seeing the negative in everything'.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Just fine not jist fine!

Sorry for all typos, on blackberry while getting dressed and rushing to work!

It can be really hard for fathers to see problems when they don't spend much time with other children of the same age and may have mothers assuring them that 'lots of children don't talk til they are four or is it fifty four?' etc. It's good that you have the SALT coming, hopefully she can give you some real life advice about how to push things on. It could raise concerns that at 22 months, he is not communicating to you what he wants either verbally or non verbally so this is the main area to get any professional to focus on. My story could be very different to yours but we had similar experiences in being told in non commital terms that there was nothing wrong with ds1. I was doubtful about the re assurance whereas dh took it as clear proof that there really was nothing wrong. It is quite normal for us all to hide away from developmental problems whereas if a child had a fever and red spots, it would be thought strange to say, 'oh well lots of children have fevers, it's best just to wait for a bit before seeking treatment'. If there is nothing wrong, it won't make any difference to your ds that you put extra time into developing his communication.

One of my problems is that I am a first time (and one and only time!) mother here, whereas DH has two teenaged daughters and he very much considers himself the parenting expert. He claims neither of his daughters spoke till they were two and that the normal age for children to start talking is two. My pointing out the developmental averages in books or on the internet just meets with his telling me 'that's just hearsay' or 'there's a lot of rubbish on the inetrnet, where is the proof'. he is a lovely man, adores his son, but there is just a real block on this issue which is adding stress to my already heightened anxieties!

I agree that children usually start 2-3 phrases then mini sentences after two so he's probably right not to be worried about lack of sentences but no single words is still a potential concern. Anyway hope you get some real life advice soon.

I suppose I am really getting all the help I can at this stage, am just feeling upset and worried about the future and the what ifs, and need to share with someone who doesn't dismiss my concerns by saying I need to go back onto antidepressants and then I will realise everything is fine. I love my baby so much (very wanted baby after recurrent miscarriages) and I am so fearful he will never talk and wondering how I, and we as a family, will deal with that.

Ps willow in response to the questions about his play skills, I have spoken to his nursery (they are aware of my concerns) and they seem to think he is fine, say he is developing every week (he goes once week but increasing to twice a week next week). At home he is interested in shape sorting, loves to look through books (and has certain favourite books that he loves), but more often than not tries to create towers of toys, furniture, cushions so he can climb up on them as he likes being high up for some reason. He can follow instructions when we do dancing, like clap and stamp, although he doesn't sing. Certain songs he recognises get him racing around the room clapping spontaneously and killing himself laughing. He loves to bang a drum but then also tries to use it as a part of his campaign to climb up on a windowsill or bookshelf!

My 22 month old son is waiting for a SALT referral at the moment. He is actually just starting to make a bit more effort to talk recently, but part of my concern was his total disinterest in trying. I also had a few very scary weeks when I started to deal with the possibility of a problem ? my mum had raised concerns that he is in his own little world a bit too much and often doesn?t answer when spoken to.

I don?t have much to add to the advice here, except that signing is helping here to get a 2 way communication going. Part of the problem here was that DS has a very outgoing twin brother who was possibly drawing my attention too much, I wonder (just something to consider) if you may be going too far the other way and being SO attentive he has no need to ask for anything?

Anyway, don?t have any idea what I am talking about re teaching children to talk, but do want to say how much I understand that worry that your little boy may not grow up into the child you imagined. I went from loving DS?s interest in the intricacies of things to panicking they were a sign he had no interest in social interaction. Hopefully he?ll start talking soon, your DH will be smug forever about how foolish you were and all will be well. But if it isn?t you?ll cope and still love him as the little boy that he is.

Awww he sounds lovely :)

The play skills and receptive understanding sound encouraging - so definitely a lot to build on and something to be genuinely positive about. One Hanen technique that is useful is to create opportunities for communication - maybe by putting a book out of reach then pretending you can't see it and watch how he reacts. You shouldn't push him to speak or say a word, just getting a two way flow of communication is all that is needed at this stage. The SALT might suggest visuals or picture cards. It might seem strange at first but many have found they really do help get communication going. As everyone has said, there is no crystal ball for the future so it's best to focus on what you can do in the here and now.

Hi - if he understands things then you know really that he is in within the normal range - and if its any help Einstien was supposed not have spoken to over 3!

Perhaps I haven't read through properly, but I'm not aware of anyone mentioning ASD on here (though am just about to as Einstein is often considered to have been on the autistic spectrum, so perhaps not the best example).

I don't think worrying about your child is necessary a sign of depression returning (as I said I've been there with the worrying recently). As long as you aren't replacing professional advice with the conflicting opinions you will find here I can't see a problem.

The SALT did identify "gaps" in his development, and is suggesting a programme to address them, so I don't see that the OP isn't accepting the advice of professionals. Just being a justifiably worried mother.

I don't doubt that your previous history of depression may make this harder to deal with, and I hope you can get support for yourself as well as your son.