Disastrous Playdates - Ever Had One?

[Earlybird]

DD's little friend was supposed to be here all afternoon. She arrived crying and in a stroppy mood, and within 30 minutes we'd had 2 major incidents resulting in tears on both sides. Thought things might calm down with a bit of food in their tummies, but not the case. The friend was demanding, wouldn't share (even with me involved), and said things that caused dd to cry. The sitting room is a complete tip, as most everything was pulled out in an effort to engage them and change the mood, to no avail. The friend finally said she wanted to go home, and her mum came and got her 3 hours early!

Must say it was a huge relief to send her home, as I didn't know how we were going to make it through the afternoon! I think perhaps she was just having an off day because normally the two children really get on. Sometimes maybe it's just better to cut your losses, and try again another day....

Has something like this ever happened to you?

Yes

Had a kid round who did nothing but pinch and push my baby,wreck my house and (final straw) was discovered creeping up on my dear little dd playing in the snapit and thwacking her over the head four times with a spade as hard as she could.

She won't be coming back.
I still quiver with rage about it.

Oh batters - sounds awful. Has this friend ever been invited back, or has dd been to her house since the fateful day? Also, would be amazed if that child's mum let her keep the barbies for good, instead of as a "loan".

TBH, I kept thinking I would be able to shift the mood by finding the right activity. But, finally I had to admit defeat. I guess sometims you need to simply say that the playdate isn't working and call it to a halt.

I have a very good friend who has the child from hell.

I love my friend coming over but her dd is a walking disaster zone. She tips everything out of their boxes, touches all the stuff she shouldn't, opens the fridge, squirts tubes or aerosols she finds in the kitchen or loo, climbs up on the furniture, chases my cat, hits my ds's and tells me or my ds's to "go away or I'll smack you one."

I spend half the time she is here sitting her on my "naughty mat" by the front door until she stops screaming.

I wouldn't stop my friend coming over, but i do breathe a big sigh of relief when she goes home again!!

The other little girl turned her nose up at the ice cream offered for dessert, saying she wanted chocolate instead. DD has her own special stash of sweeties, so she immediately chimed in saying she'd happily share some from her "treasure box". I came back into the room to find this other child stuffing chocolates into her pockets, and I promptly told her she could have a few, but not handfuls. Amazing how kindness (on the part of dd), can be met with someone who would take complete advantage if allowed. I suppose it's a junior version of a life lesson......

I do sympathise. My dd is friends with a boy who is a PITA, but his mum is lovely and I don't want to fall out so I just have to grit my teeth. I can feel myself tensing up just at the sight of him! At least I know it's not just me because there are two other mums (with 5 boys between them so used to chaos)who will do anything to avoid having him in their houses. Of course he is a little angel when his mum is around!

Screameagle do you put her on the naughty mat when your friend is present. If so how does your friend react. I have had some boys over to play with DS and I honestly can't wait till they go.

They are nice kids but totally manic. Each time they have visited the Mum comes too but has not affect on theor behaviour. I think part of the problem is that the parents in both cases use smacking as a form of discipline but for some reason don't use it when outside their home I think the kids know this and act out.

I have been tempted to use the naught step but thought this might overstep a line.

Batters - what a hard situation for everyone concerned. Your post made me think, and there are some minor similarities to what happened here. DD's friend (whose homelife has complications), has in the past displayed some real envy toward dd. Perhaps that manifested itself in her behaviour today.

I think I contributed to this problem today too though. I am fine about setting boundaries for playdate guests, but do not feel comfortable reprimanding other people's children when those boundaries are breached. I also have difficulty trusting my instincts when there are behaviour issues. I teach dd to share, to be generous and to take turns - we don't always achieve that, mind, but that is what we aspire to. When I'm not in the room, it is hard for me to discern if dd is being bossy and unhappy not to be getting her way, or genuinely upset at being being bossed around herself; if she is not sharing enough or if the other child is being selfish, etc. I'm afraid I often come out with solutions like "she's our guest, so let her have it" or "you get to play with this all the time, so let X play with it now". I think this does dd a disservice, and can sometimes mean she doesn't get her proper turn with things. It also means perhaps I don't rush to her defense the way I should.

Hopefully I'll live and learn, and get a bit better at this parenting lark.....

Yes if friend's dd acts up I ask my friend if she minds me dealing with it and she doesn't mind.

She actually says she wouldn't be able to do what I do and her dd wouldn't stay on the mat if she did this herself.

Thing is, her dd knows her discipline is ineffective and plays on it. Mind you frind is having a very hard time just now and finds it hard to cope sometimes.

Last night I talked more about this to dd. It's amazing what emerges in those just-before-sleep talks in the dark. It seems that a great deal of what upset her was the comments made by the other child - only one of which I heard. The comments ran along the lines of "you're so irritating" and "I'm uphappy with you" (when it was her turn to share a toy they both wanted), and the "you're the only one who makes me feel so upset" (when they both wanted to sit in the same chair).

On the one hand, I have to admire a just-turned-5 year old who can identify/express her feelings, but on the other hand - it's manipulative behaviour to get her own way, and downright mean! DD is a very sensitive child, and doesn't know how to stick up for herself in the face of those sorts of accusations. It's those comments that upset dd just as much as the conflict over sharing.

There was also some junior passive aggressive behaviour going on. This child made a beeline for dd's dressing up clothes, and immediately grabbed the new fairy dress. She wanted to wear it, and dd let her with no problems. Half-way through the playdate - with emotions running high - this child started tugging on the skirt so hard I had to reprimand her as I thought it might rip. She also wiped her mouth on the dress when she was eating - even though she'd been given a napkin, so now there's a big ketchup stain on the bodice of the dress.

I know I'm rambling, but the more I think about it, the more unpleasant this child's behaviour actually was - in obvious and subtle ways. Not sure if I should say something to the mum along the lines of "think you should be aware of this, so you can address it/nip it in the bud". Or, if we need to keep a close eye on the situation to determine if we want to have playdates with this child in the future.....

Thanks for letting me think out loud.....

The first one we did when dd brought a new friend home for tea when she started school. Even dd was aghast at her behaviour - she was er, 'challenging' shall we say with piercing screaming sessions and spitting her food out for fun.

To my irritation at myself, I still said 'Oh, she was fine. Very good actually..' to her mum when she came to collect her. Her mum looked noticiably relieved, like she was sort of expecting different feedback. I can't think why

The difficulty comes if the 'friend' invites your dd back to hers and your dd doesn't want to go. I never really managed to come up with a tactful reply to that one.

yes posh mum came around with child ( cant rememebr his name now) and ds2 said

" I want x to go home"

non stop fro 30 minutes.
so i gave them a sweet to jolly things a long and posh mum looked horrifed and then ds2 showed her all out horrble plastic agressive toys

her eyes almost popped out of her head.

ooh eys hate boys who come and dont play with siblings
grr
they dont come back

Hmmm - yes I had a disastrous playdate once - and it was my dd2 that was the disaster! After begging me to invite a little girl over to play, and promising her that she could dress up in her fairy costume, she then threw a hissy fit and didn't want to let her guest wear it! I was mortified. This child was not familiar with me and had been a little unsure about coming, and was totally bemused by dd's behaviour! I was livid with her, particularly as I had to remove her from the room to talk to her, leaving the guest child to play in the fairy outfit alone! Needless to say she didn't come back - God only knows what she told her mum

i sometimes hasve kids to play when the dsses are out ( helping out a pal say) and they are hte BEST playdates as hte kids ferrets off upstairs and plays silently for hours wiht all the boys toys

they love it and i look like a saint

A friend once left her dd (5yo) overnight with us (we didn't have kids then). The mum admitted that her dd was impossible to get into bed, and had never once slept a full night in her own bed. The mum apologised in advance for the drama her daughter would cause, and said we should take whatever steps we thought appropriate if the child misbehaved.

Sure enough when bedtime came, the "madam" was impossible. Threw and absolute tantrum. Dh & I ganged up on her, and put her in timeout. She was hysterical, but we persevered and gave her the option between timeout and bed. After a huge fit she wisely opted for bed. We had promised a bedtime story, but by the time she got to bed she didn't want to talk to us, so she went to bed in a sulk. But she was quite, went right to sleep, and did not stir until an appropriate time the next morning.

Amazingly, when her mum asked her the next day how it had gone, she said she had had a great time. for months afterwards the child was begging to come back to our house (she receives no discipline at home). We did tell our friend exactly what happened.

Glad to hear that I'm not the only one who wimps out on disciplining other people's kids. I hate it when they come round and start trying to wreck things. I just sit there with gritted teeth.

Its quite reassuring to read this as my DS has just been the guest at what I thought was a disaster but in some ways not as bad as this.

For 90% of said date DS & chum were fine models of sharing caring 3 y.olds. However a couple of fights brewed up over toys involving heated debtae & some minor physical violence - pushing, hitting etc.

My idea was just to separate warring parties, issue verbal warning and distract but chum's mum started being v strict and telling off both her DS and mine in loud voice/ pointed finger fashion. My DS does not respond well to this type of discipline - it just makes him worse, with the result that he had huge tantrum and I had to remove him and myself to the toilet for 20 minutes until he had calmed down.

I generally like chum's mum and DS thinks that chum is his best friend but the whole thing has made me feel rather panicky about a return match.

Poor dd earlybird - but this thread has made me feel so much better.

A few weeks ago we had someone in dd's class round for tea - the parents had just moved into the area and were friends of friends. For the half hour the mum stayed this little girl was an angel. As soon as her mum left, she farted on my leg. She then refused to eat tea ('I only eat pasta with pesto on it') and when it came to pudding (an ice cream), she took her bowl and tried to go upstairs. When I told her that in our house, we all eat at the table, she stood at the top of the stairs and announced 'MY, you're a bossyboots aren't you!'. Needless to say I stood there till she came down. When I bent down to clean under the table after tea while they were playing in the lounge, she jumped on by back and tried to give me a wedgie by yanking my knickers really hard. The minute her mum knocked on the door, she reformed back into sweetness and pie. Absolutely unbelievable.

Needless to say, I'm not inviting her back again!

roar at wedgie

That's so funny!