7 YR OLD UNLOVED

[tegan]

I have dd1 who is 7 and dd2 who is 17 months but recently dd1 has decided she is unloved and not wanted. We spend the same if not more time with her since dd2 came but she has become very tearful and disobidient.

I have a DD who is 7 and a DS who is 7 months. We haven't experienced this yet as DS is so besotted with his big sister at the moment but I'm sure it's round the corner somewhere

Do you do things on your own with DD without the little one, could you have a set time each week to do something together (swimming on Sunday morning, McDonalds for breakfast on a Saturday, library after school one day if someone could look after DD2). Does DD2 still have a nap and if so, could you do something special at the weekend when she is sleeping. My DD got a bead making thing recently for her birthday and we've spent a few afternoons making lovely things whilst DS is asleep and she really looks forward to this.

Not sure if you have tried any of these ideas already and sorry if you have as I then won't have been much help Could she do something special with her dad.

One other thing I do with my DD is to take her to the pictures on a Friday or Saturday evening about once every 6-8 weeks. DH has the baby and DD and I spend a whole evening together. She chooses the film, we get ice-cream and sweets and a fizzy drink but most exciting of all, she gets to go to bed really late which she thinks is dead special. Isn't it funny how the little things make them so happy.

Hope it gets better soon.

Thanks for the advice but I think alot of other things have contributed to this too. My dad was diagnosed with hodgkins lynphoma the day after dd2 was born and my sil is now expecting too. dd1 was the only grandchild for 6 years and she always favoured my dad and fil so alot of changes have had to take place.
dh and I took her out alone for the day sunday for some shopping and lunch, we let her choose a pair of boots she wanted and where she wanted lunch we went. but is that enough?

Oh Tegan what a lot you and your DD1 have had to deal with. No wonder she's feeling a bit sad at the moment and I can imagine dealing with DD feeling like this on top of how you must be feeling about your dad is really hard

If I were you, I would keep on spoiling DD1 as much as possible until she feels a bit better. As with all these things, they pass in a flash so I'm sure it won't be too long before she's back on track (so to speak). Spending some fun time with her on your own might also be nice for you and take your mind off things. I know when I have had difficult things to cope with, spending time with my DD away from the house always seems like a chore but ends up being the best thing I could have done

I really hope things get easier and that your dad is OK.

she may be useing teh unloved strategy as a way of getting more attention from you. not necessarily because of DD2's arrival but maybe becasue she is upset about the other thinsg happening. have you tried speaking to her about your fil and the new baby? its may be that she just needs those people to tell her how much they love her too.

im sure its just a phase and that deep down she knows how much you care about her.

my d2 who is just 4 often hits out and starts fights with d1 who is 5, she is very clever, and does it behind my back so I don't see it, and I do think d1 overreacts but sometimes it is BAD...she even calls d1 names like stupid and pooh, and does all she can to wind d1 up. we separate them, shout, plead etc etc but not helping. to make matters worse, d2 is starting school in Jan, and will be in same class as d1, so really concerned about how it will pan out. it doesn't happen all the time, 70% they play well together. any advice?

sorry, hijacked this message, meant to start a new one!

Hi I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, my brother has non hodgkins lymphoma and that has been a hard road to walk for the family.

I think that it may be just that she knows that there are big changes going on and that she feels scared by what she doesn't understand. At 7 I would suggest talking to her and maybe including her in what is happening - in an appropriate way obviously. I remember when I was 7 or 8 being allowed to go the funeral of our elderly next door neighbour. It is still with me now (not telling how many years later and I'm glad that I knew what was happening and was included). I would suggest it's not things she needs but spoiling with attention? - but when you can give it so maybe set a play date for the 2 of you, maybe send her an invitation - just to make it really special?

I also remember going through a phase when i was about 13 thinking I had been adopted and that mum and dad didn't really want me etc - all nonsense, but strange how these things grab you. Passed very quickly.

Take care and hope things are ok for you.

H x