I have just screamed my head off at my children.

[Beachcomber]

Just lost it with my two girls, they are 7 and 4. They are not naughty or badly behaved, they are nice normal kids.

However it feels to me like they are very often moaning/crying/squabbling. They do play well together sometimes.

I picked them up from school and as soon as we got in, it was the usual demands one on top of the other for snacks/drinks. They squabbled about which chair to sit on. The youngest kept repeating that she wanted sugar (wtf?) on her toast and jam and whined and cried when I kept saying no. Eldest complained the youngest got her snack first/moaned that youngest makes too much noise when she eats. They squabbled. Eldest finished toast and then said 'I'm still hungry' in a sulky voice rather than asking properly for something else. More squabbling.

I was just behaving normally throughout and then all of a sudden I lost it and screamed at the top of my voice 'stop complaining'. I think I shouted it three times. Then I left the room and slammed the door. They both cried.

There was nothing particularly bad about their behaviour - it is just the god awful repetitiveness of it. It feels like they are always complaining/squabbling the minute they get in the door. They come home for lunch too (French school system) and it is the same at lunchtime too. I work from home and fit my work around the children's hours.

I feel like when I go to get them I'm happy to see them and I imagine we are going to laugh and chat but then within minutes the negativity starts and I feel frustrated, irritated and disappointed.

I know some of this is normal but I really want to find a way to get out of this rut. I'm bloody sick of the negativity. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.

Sorry to go on - needed to get of out my system.

I did say I was sorry to have shouted at them but explained that their complaining made me very cross. They are playing upstairs and being Very Good now.

I think it's a rare parent that doesn't lose it occasionally.
I hate whinging, too. Squabbling is nearly as bad, and when you get both thrown at you...
I meet DC at school with snacks in hand, so they eat on the way home. This seems to have helped.

Also, how well are your needs being met, in other areas of your life? Often I reckon we have the least reserves to deal with our offpsring, because we aren't looking after ourselves properly.

My 3 girls start from the minute they open their eyes on a morning, go to school then it starts again when they get in from school till they go to bed. The 2 oldest have nothing in common and dont get on at all. They argue, fight, twist and tell tails on each other. The 2.5yr old gets used as a weapon and is constantly told do this, do that. She is now worse than the other 2. The middle daughter doesnt complain its just the eldest. She doesnt like anything i cook and everything i do is boring. When you seperate the 2 eldest everything is fine.

I totally agree that all the negativity pulls you down and i sometimes think it doesnt matter what i do because no ones happy.

I hear you!! I am feeling the same way as you atm! Will watch for any useful tips!

Thanks for answers. Feels better to know that others feel like this too - although I'm sorry for anyone who is feeling bad about this subject!

"I totally agree that all the negativity pulls you down and i sometimes think it doesnt matter what i do because no ones happy."

This is it exactly. I go to get them or get up in the morning saying 'today we are going to be bright cheerful happy people'. Two minutes later and i feel the sinking feeling of 'of FFS, here we bloody go again'.

The ungratefulness gets me down too. They are not ungrateful children in general, they are pleased with little things and seeing people they love. They just are ungrateful about the day to day things. Keep wanting to moralise with them about 'starving children in Africa'.

i dont have any useful advice but jus wanted to say i know how you feel, my girls are 4, 6 and 7 and we have the same constant squabbling and complaining i think the most used phrase in my house is...
"muuum its not fair" or
"muuuuum she did this she did that"

Im just hopeing mine grow out of it at some point. I stand cooking for 2 hrs, put it on the table and eldest starts i dont like it then proceeds to cause mayhem throughout the meal, the 2 year old says yak horrible copying off the eldest, the middle ones fine she will eat anyhing then i end up cooking again for the other 2. Its pathetic really. I had 3 brothers and always wanted a sister. Im bloody pleased i didnt have any seeing the way mine go on.

Not that it really helps - but it is perfectly normal, both the squabbling/complaining and losing your rag about it!

There are a few things you can do to lessen the complaining -

• Sort out the trivia. Things they regularly squabble about, so tell them this is 'your' chair & this is 'your' every time you sit at the table. If there is, for some reason, a 'better' chair at your table, then swap around a month at a time. Anything else you can do like that, do it. Eliminate as much trivia as you can.

• Tell them you have had enough of it and they are old enough now to stop doing it. From now on if they don't ask for things nicely they will not be getting them - no warnings (use the example of the afternoon snack and 'I'm still hungry') or they will be losing priviledges (TV/DS/PS)/sitting in time out. Do it every time and without warning. You have already said it's not acceptable and x will happen - no need to keep repeating yourself. This will be constant the first few days, but it will soon sink in!!

Ungrateful - need a bit more of an idea of what they are 'ungrateful' about.

Negativity - wht kind of things are they negative about in the car?

Do you have a sore throat?

If not you didn't shout loud enough to be feeling guilty

Sorry. I don't know. We go through phases of that. The bickering and point scoring got so bad last week that I stopped the car on the way back from my parents house and got out, refusing to get back in and drive on until they had shut UP!

Yes - I do have the Sore Throat of Guilt .

Thanks for the support and the advice. Will try Chipping's techniques.

I guess when I say ungrateful, I'm being a bit unfair really. I suppose I mean, they want for nothing and yet seem to complain so much. I hate the 'mummy, mummy, she said,she did, can I have, can you come, yada yada' say when I'm cooking their dinner.

I yelled up the stairs the other day that I was 'COOKING THEIR DINNER SO STOP SHOUTING FOR ME, I WILL NOT COME'. I bloody warn them before I start - 'is there anything you would like to ask me for before I go to cook your dinner?'

We walk home from school so no car thank god. Eldest nearly always has a long story of some (perceived)unfairness that happened amongst her group of friends (she did this and she said that type stuff). I find myself saying 'I'm not interested in silly things children in your class do' or 'tell me something nice that happened' a lot.

I want to strike a balance so they feel listened to and would come and talk to me about anything important/they needed to but I don't want to encourage a litany of moaning.

(she said moaning herself ).

You are not alone - being a parent is hard hard work and sometimes - not all times...we can't be all things to all people.

Your are normal my dear...

Oh bollocks. I'm shouting again. Eldest complaining about noise youngest makes eating (she eats normally) and wanting to get up from the table.

Don't let them shout to you from one end of the house to the other - the rule is, unless you are in a life & death situation you come into the room I am in to ask a question.

You don't have to be nice smiley mummy all the time. You are allowed to say things like 'Not now, I am cooking dinner', 'Do be quiet, I have had enough', 'Not one more word' and even - 'Would you shut up! - it wont kill them!!

Once they're in bed, have a think about things and see what you can start doing differently tomorrow :)

You're right Chipping - they are not allowed to shout on me in the house. We live in a very impractical house with three floors. I HATE it when I am shouted on. Normally there is a rule that if you want to speak to me you come into the room I am in. They don't always do it though and I'm not consistent enough in enforcing the rule.

I think I am a bit burnt out with working from home plus juggling the children. DH is great when he is here but works long hours.

I think I need to be more firm and strict generally rather than be 'patient' and then lose the rag and shout.

Thank you everyone. Will have a big glass of wine think about things tonight.

OP I am with you. I often think I am handling the constant demands quite well, and feel quite pleased with myself. And then I will just snap about something small.

I think its the fact that sometimes you just want one second to THINK! Its all 'mummy this, mummy that, DS did this, I'm thirsty, I want to do drawing, I need the toilet NOW'.

I find myself wandering around, for example, holding a teabag that I was going to put in a mug about 10 minutes before, which I've forgotten I am holding as I've been interrupted so many times.

And that's when I end up shouting 'Can you both just be QUIET, I am trying to THIIIIIINK'! And they look at me like I am insane!!! But do shut up - for about 3 seconds! Am sure neighbours think I am part banshee.

Oh lord - trying to THINK. Something I seemed to be able to do before having children with no effort at all.

French school system does not help. Lunch break is 2 HOURS! They stay at school for lunch one day a week but it costs a fortune to do anymore. The food is great but it costs me 7? for the two of them. The whole point of working from home was to not spend half of salary on lunches/childcare. Also there is no school on a Wednesday - they only go 4 days a week.

"Firm, strict, consistent really does make life easier and contrary to what a lot of people think, it's actually a more fun/happy/relaxed house to live in, because it's consistent and everyone knows where they stand."

I really agree with this Chipping. I need to be more consistently strict I think. They are lovely children really. Eldest said sorry about complaining earlier and we had a big cuddle. Youngest joined in cuddle but appears to have forgotten about being told off - she is made of stern stuff and it is all a bit water off a duck's back with her.

Oh and tell me about wandering around with teabag/something for me.

Latest rule is that you can ask mummy for something but she will not get it/do it until she has finished her cup of tea.

e21 for 6 hours child care and 6 lunches - I'd find a way!! - even if it meant standing on a street corner temping!

An idea for you - which hugely helps me when I remember to use it is to find a way to vocalise that I'm getting frustrated and about to explode. The kids often can't tell the difference between my 'standard' stop bickering voice, and my 'I really have had enough now' stop bickering voice.

I use a 'patience balloon' - the less patience I have left, the smaller it gets (it goes from a beachball down to a pea ). And the more they know they need to listen & do what they're told. Now!

My two are 4 & 6, so something they can visualise seems to really help - and somehow turns it into a game as they try & behave to help me blow my balloon up again! It also helps ME to think about when I'm getting close to exploding....

Not I should stress my idea, but I can't remember where I nicked it from - probably someone on here

Watching with interest. Lost my voice on monday from so much shouting over the weekend.
Am going to try and implement chippings suggestions on my 7 and 2 yr old. Am normally firm but fair. But recently, this is obviously not working at all.

You are so not alone. Mine are 3 and 5 and it's endless, totally fcking endless. They squabble, moan, physically fight, tell tails, whine, demand and generally wind me up! They are lovely kids at heart, really they are, but my deep deep love for them does not matter a jot when they've pushed me too far. Worried neighbours might call social services one day coz of the crazy shouting. It's not all the time, but the moments of lovely family Walton style fun are few and far between and totally overshaddowed by the mayhem. And don't even start me on the whole pularva (SP) of trying to take a pee without someone bursting in with some trivial bllocks that they have to tell me about, or spending most of my phone conversations shouting 'mummy's on the phone, whatever you want can wait'. ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

I cannot tell you how pleased I am to be reading this thread! I am a single mother of 3 and 4 year old girls, their father is an absolute prick so that's a problem in itself!
Everyone tells me such as the school what lovely bright happy children they are, so why the f**k is it that the eldest seems to whine constantly and the youngest picks fights with her constantly, and they both never ever ever seem to listen and do what they are told!
couldtryharder...as you said I too think my neighbours might call social services , I completely lost it last night when the 3 year old, who is now wiping her own bottom after a poo, and does a very good job too, well she will do because she used a whole roll of loo roll to do it and put the whole bloody lot in the loo, it was full to the brim! I had to fish loads out before flushing and then again and again and again as the water nearly went over the top again and again and again! I have told her again and again and again not to do this and no she does still does it again and again and again. But do you know what she didn't do it today, result!

Have to say since coming off the pill, I'm not quite as quick to snap, but there is only so much even a hormone free me can take. How old do they have to be before they listen to anything????

this book might come in handy

Why does someone always have to come along so bloody high and mighty about it all