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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I have just screamed my head off at my children.

65 replies

Beachcomber · 03/02/2011 16:19

Just lost it with my two girls, they are 7 and 4. They are not naughty or badly behaved, they are nice normal kids.

However it feels to me like they are very often moaning/crying/squabbling. They do play well together sometimes.

I picked them up from school and as soon as we got in, it was the usual demands one on top of the other for snacks/drinks. They squabbled about which chair to sit on. The youngest kept repeating that she wanted sugar (wtf?) on her toast and jam and whined and cried when I kept saying no. Eldest complained the youngest got her snack first/moaned that youngest makes too much noise when she eats. They squabbled. Eldest finished toast and then said 'I'm still hungry' in a sulky voice rather than asking properly for something else. More squabbling.

I was just behaving normally throughout and then all of a sudden I lost it and screamed at the top of my voice 'stop complaining'. I think I shouted it three times. Then I left the room and slammed the door. They both cried.

There was nothing particularly bad about their behaviour - it is just the god awful repetitiveness of it. It feels like they are always complaining/squabbling the minute they get in the door. They come home for lunch too (French school system) and it is the same at lunchtime too. I work from home and fit my work around the children's hours.

I feel like when I go to get them I'm happy to see them and I imagine we are going to laugh and chat but then within minutes the negativity starts and I feel frustrated, irritated and disappointed.

I know some of this is normal but I really want to find a way to get out of this rut. I'm bloody sick of the negativity. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.

Sorry to go on - needed to get of out my system.

I did say I was sorry to have shouted at them but explained that their complaining made me very cross. They are playing upstairs and being Very Good now.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Acanthus · 03/02/2011 22:03

I have done this twice. My boys are now 10 and 12. Once I actually jumped up and down with rage whilst shouting. Both times I apologised for shouting whilst saying that i wasn't sorry for telling them off. Both times they were Very Good afterwards. I honestly don't think it does any harm to let them know that you have limits!

fifi25 · 03/02/2011 22:08

One of mine got the head teachers award on mon, Awarded for being such a delight to have in the classroom. Shes a ray of sunshine. I felt like screaming come to my house and see the ray of sunshine in action. It must be me because everyone says what polite well behaved children i have ehh

HumphreyCobbler · 03/02/2011 22:09

was that aimed at me evolucy?

I offered that book as advice because I have suffered through it myself and found it helpful. I was very close to the edge and that book made all the difference to me.

ConvexBetty · 03/02/2011 22:10

I was just about to suggest how to talk.

HumphreyCobbler · 03/02/2011 22:11

It is the book that saved my sanity.

I can get quite emotional about it actually

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 03/02/2011 22:12

Acanthus - did you miss out a word or two?

I have done this twice today
I have done this twice this week
I have done this twice this year

ConvexBetty · 03/02/2011 22:14

Saved my sanity too, i shout and lose my rag a lot less now.

halfcaff · 03/02/2011 22:15

I am another one - I sometimes wonder if I have some real anger management issues stemming from my perfect behaviour as a child as I would never have dared argue, answer back to, or disobey my mum! I have to stop thinking my dc will ever be like that, and perhaps it is not even a good thing? I also think I am too patient then just lose it suddenly - getting out in the morning (I ususally take them to school on my way to work, so need to make sure I am completely ready for the day as well as them) is one of the worst times, but meals can also be a nightmare. We have done the chair allocation thing which has helped a bit.

evolucy7 · 03/02/2011 22:19

HumphreyCobbler....my mistake apologies I just re-read what OP wrote and advice was asked for, sorry I skimmed through the first time and just thought it was a rant about getting cross, and it does annoy me when people come in 'all high and mighty' saying that they never do that read this etc, when all people may want is to know that other parents do exactly the same sometimes.
Apologies again

Oblomov · 03/02/2011 22:22

I have a great deal of respect for HTT, but think its for youngsters, more.
Giving a terrible 2's tantruming, the choice of red socks or green socks, helps them to have choices, not to be so powerless. And imagining, ' oh just imagine if ... everyone zoomed to the moon / you were the poorest one who only had ....
But both of these things can't actually help when you are standing there saying "will you please get your (bloody, under breath) coat. This is the third time I've asked and I'm starting to get REALLY cross now, because we are going to be late for school."

I find HTT fails me at this time !!

HumphreyCobbler · 03/02/2011 22:22

I actually read it back and thought I had possibly been a little brief in my post and that it could have come across as smug

oxeye · 03/02/2011 22:22

I was going to say "how to talk" it is a really good book in helping how to think about how you communicate as well as how your children hear things

Some immediate tips Beachcomber:
(1) have snack/ lunch ready
(2) give your elder DCs tasks such as getting plates or cups to help supper be ready
(3) talking books - we play them at supper and it helps no end - relaxing and soothing, DS will just lie and listen sometimes
(4) whispering - the quieter you talk the more they will listen
(5) perhaps your DD is trying to tell you positive things at school when she tells you about perceived injustices - I wonder if (not meaning this critically) her long story is an attempt to communicate what is important to her?
(6) can you do something together before you have to cook? I mean all have a bit of fruit, cuddle and story so they have a "piece" of you in a positive way before you go and cook?

I think children just don't "see" all the effort it takes to make food/ cook/ clean etc

I really really sympathise I do the work/ fit kids thing too and quite agree with earliest post that it's about looking after you first....

good luck, I so know where you are coming from - my DS last week "Mummy please don't be cross with me it makes me very upset and unhappy"

Oblomov · 03/02/2011 22:25

Am with halfcaff. wonder where my anger came from. my inability to cope. or to enjoy. for it to be so water-torture-like. Had idyllic childhhood and would never speak to my mum like that. Wonder how I ended up here.
Wonders AGAIN. for the unteemth time, since joining MN !!

HumphreyCobbler · 03/02/2011 22:25

Don't know where that grin came from??

Perhaps the squabbling thing is catered for in Siblings without Rivalry? I may be confusing the two, I have them both. Have you tried that one Oblomov?

It might actually be more helpful and relevant to this thread than HTT anyway.

Oblomov · 03/02/2011 22:33

Thank you Humphrey, but unlike Op, sibling problems is one of the few issues I don't have( mine are so loving it is truely astonishing).
But yes, good suggestion, could be good for OP.

HumphreyCobbler · 03/02/2011 22:38

that sounds lovely

fifi25 · 03/02/2011 22:41

Mine 2 eldest are poles apart, completely different personality wise. The eldest is studious and likes to be left alone and her own space, reading etc. The other is daft as a brush and not in the least bit interested in school. She likes anything sparkly, make-up and nail varnish. I dont thik its sibling reivalry with mine, they just have absolutely nothing in common. Just wondering has anyone else got gail force winds and torrential rain.

fifi25 · 03/02/2011 22:42

sorry for the typing errors, got a 4 stone dog sprawled across me

superoz · 04/02/2011 00:21

I am so glad I found this thread. A lot of what has been said on here could be me! I am going through one of those phases with dd who is 3 at the mo and getting totally stressed out.

wearymum200 · 04/02/2011 00:41

We have (can I confess publicly?) regular screaming mummy moments. DS1 (nearly 5) and DD2 (just 2) love each other to bits, play wonderfully together AND know exactly how to screw each other up to screeching point. And they always do it when I'm in a hurry to get out of the door..... I like the balloon idea, might pinch that! Also have both books mentioned above and recommend "beyond Toddlerdom" (taken with the usual pinch of salt) for strategies for dealing with (ignoring?) irritating behaviour! Sufficient sleep would help too.. OK so i should go to bed now, but have been working late and need to wind down!

Original poster

Beachcomber · 04/02/2011 08:01

Thanks for the new messages everyone. I have read How To Talk, I found it helpful but maybe I need the Siblings one.

I think a big part of my problem is like so many people I'm doing too many things at once. Working from home is great in many ways but it does mean you feel like you never get a break and yet you don't get enough done.

OP posts:

DirtyMartini · 04/02/2011 08:18

Marking place because this thread is relevant to our household too :)

I have both the books, but haven't had time to read them properly because by the end of a day of "Mummy! Come here!" and "Mummy, I'm doing a poo..." all I can do is slump in front of MN and/or roll into bed beside the baby and MN sleepily on my phone ...

Also started back to work p/t from home this week, doing nursery pickup (DP drops off). Finding it really hard to exclude domestic concerns from my thinking during the hours I work! (Doesn't really help that I don't have a space of my own to work in as the flat is too samll -- have to clear kitchen table each morning to start, then put all my work things out of the way again before teatime.)

Sorry, overlong ramble, just wanted to join thread :)

deepdarkwood · 04/02/2011 10:52

Just read my post back & I suspect I may have been one of the smugg-ys evolucy was walking about - it wasn't meant to be, honest!
I work from home around the kids hours too Beachcomber - it's something that I am mostly hugely grateful for (although not as grateful as I am that they don't come home for lunch ) BUT it does mean there isn't any gap between your lives, iykwim. I work evenings, catch up on emails whilst supper cooks etc etc. I think that I need to create some clearer boundries around work vs life - so that when the kids come home I say to myself, right, I'll give them a solid half hour just to talk/do stuff for them. THEN it's time to do housework/cook tea. In that time work can butt out. And equally, need to divide my child free time so I have household time, work time and some lunch/coffee break time.

As you can see it's working really well as I'm on here when I'm meant to be working . But I think (for me at least) that compartmentalising would help my head freer - & therefore help me be more focused on the task in hand. Did any of that make sense?!?

Acanthus · 04/02/2011 11:20

No, just twice. But I do mean really shouting and the Sore Throat of Shame!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 04/02/2011 12:07

Dirty - Hi :) Compartmentalising will help you and Deep, definitely, give yourself time to 'be in the moment' with the kids and some 'time out' for you too. Have a really, really good think about the flat - see if there is any furniture that can be moved/sold so that you can put a desk/table somewhere so that you don't have to keep tidying away/setting up the work stuff - sometimes you just have to think creatively rather than deciding there isn't room iyswim It could possibly by something that has a 'lid' (like an old fashioned writing desk but modern) so that you can shut it away, without packing away. Deep - yes, it did make sense :)

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