How can i stop my dd being horrid with other children.

[twinsetandpearls]

I run mother and toddler groups and take my dd to work with me. I work for a charity and many of the children have "issues" or may not be as well dressed as other kids.

My dd has always been very good until the past few weeks, she has recently turned into a at times unpleasant snotty little madam. I asked dp to come to work with me yesterday to see if he thought the same and he did. If she is at an art and craft table her creation is better than anyone elses. Yesterday she was nudging children out of the way to be closest to me at story time. She swans about the room as if she owns the place. She is alays saying I am cleverer than her aren't I mummy, or trying to dominate toys.

My dd is always beautifully dressed and does get commented on a lot, alhthough I never allow her to wear labels and most of it is second hand - and she has become aware of this. Yesterday while waiting to go into nursery a little girl asked her if my dd liked her jeans. My dd looked her up and down and said "No, I think they are horrible" The little girl then ran off and told her Mum who then spent 5 minutes glaring and tutting at us. I told dd off and said we all like different things and that we should't say mean things.

I can't bear snotty selfish vain children, one of the reasons I am gald to be out of my marriage is to get away from an environemnt of flashy one upmanship and snobbery and it upsets me to see my daughter showing these very qualities?

Will this end? Is it a phase? As my own parents rarely praised me perhaps I have overcompenstaed with my own dd and this is all my own fault.

i didnt really think so.....this girl wasnt nearly as nice as you

My favourite thing about ballet was having a kitkat afterwards with my friend Susan. I'm not the athletic type. More the Scooby Doo type

Have to agree with Enid and others. Sounds like a pretty intolerable situation for all concerned and you need to definitely need to think about alternative childcare, IMO. I also think (and sorry, this is blunt) that it's pretty arrogant for your boss to think of you and your dd as role models for the poor deprived families who attend the group. If she really does think like that I don't like her attitude much.

I decidied to walk away from this thread as I had been hurt by many of the comments, but my dp pointed out that none of you know me or my dd or our situation fully and I am sure that if you did people would be saying different things.

Firstly my dd does go to nursery for the reasons that nailpolish has said it does her good to have time away from me. She would however find a whole day too long and because of the time of the groups that I run if I were to send her to nursery while working I would have to send her all day. As I said I also could not afford to send her two days a week all day. I am aware of free places for three year olds, but because of the lengths of the sessions we have to top up which at the moment costs £50 a month. An amount I do not mind paying as I know that dd enjoys pre school and it gives me time for my studying and my planning for work.

i do not expect my daughter to fit in with my life, if anything I am guilty of expecting everyone else to fit in with hers - I know that I pamper her and perhaps place her happiness to high in relation to everyone and everything else - but there are reasons for that. I have been offered full time work on numerous occasions but have turned it down exactly because I do not wish to upset my dd by making her fit in with my lifestyle choices. My dp and I have just taken our house of the market and turned down a lucrative job offer in an area we want to live in - again because we do not want to unsettle or upset dd.

I do not think the situation is intolerable, I am trying to deal with it before it becomes so. I do a good job and my dd enjoys coming to work with me. If she had played up in the manner I described from day one or over a longer period I would have stopped working or made other arrangements.

My boss is not just being kind, the project we are working on is too important to allow my sensitivities to get in the way. I have spoken to my boss about not taking dd to work and she has strongly stated that this is unecessary. In the past she has asked workers not to bring children to work when there behaviour/ presence is an issue. I know she would do the same with me.

I most certainly am not setting myself up as a role model and I have not been asked to do so. Perhaps I did not make myself clear. It is the policy of the charity that I work for that volunteers should have children or have first hand experience of raising children. This is because it is easier to take advice/ support from someone who has been there, done that and bought the t shirt. My dd is no angel, she does play me up and at times the families I work with will see that. I work with a child counsellor who does not have children and all the qualifications and boks in the world can compensate for that, although he is good at his job and does give some excellent advice I know that our families often fail to take him seriously as he has not raised his own child. The fact that I take my child to work just makes me a real person trying to balance my wishes to be the best mother I can, give my dd some stabilty after an awful start to her life while still finding some fulfillment for myself. I am someone dealing with similar issues to the people I work with not an arrogant patronising do-gooder.

I have never said to dd you need to help these children or anything along those lines for the very reasons Cod has said. I am aware however that it is unusual for kids to go to work with their parents and that it may make dd a precocious spoilt brat - something I think that Cod may have been hinting at . However it does help when I have new children who are very shy that dd may start an activity off to get the ball rolling.

When I took over the group it was very poorly run, I have worked hard to improve the quality of the provision for the children. I always try and think would I be happy with my own dd coming here and I can faithfully say yes - because she does.

My main concern is her behaviour and attitude as nail polish said when she starts school her little madam ways will not be tolerated and like all parents I want my dd to be happy and liked at school. My dd father comes from a very wealthy background and she leads a rather odd double life, I deliberately try and make her life with me and dp as normal and down to earth as possible to balance what she witnesses and experiences else where. Having mixed in circles where children are spoilt pampered little madams - and they usually grow up to be very unhappy it worries me that my dd is showing traits of this. Perhaps I am being over sensitive to this and as MrsMoons has said it may just be a phase.

As I posted earlier I have taken on board what people have said but I do think people have been very critical and jumped to judgements about my motivations and my approach to the two things I am most passionate about - my daughter and my job.

I do hear what you're saying twinset and I'm sorry you're upset. Really. It's horrid when lots of people are doubting the workability of your situation when you maybe have enough doubts of your own to be going on with. I feel I should have sugar coated my comment below. Sorry to have been a part of making you feel bad- it's so easy to get responses all wrong and hurt people's feelings. However, I guess sometimes it's quite hard to be honest without hurting people when it's something like this, which sounds like it impacts on pretty much all the aspects of your life you really care about. I'm guessing that you want honesty to some extent or you wouldn't have posted?

So I will add this:

I'm afraid I still think your boss is in the wrong here. She's effectively advising you to be unprofessional, imo. If you are properly supervising your dd you are almost certainly not doing your job properly- believe me, I've run groups that sound similar and I know I really couldn't look after one of my own kids at the same time. You are therefore probably taking the route of doing your job and hoping that dd will not need too much supervision. And she is responding by turning up the pressure. I honestly think that pressure could undermine you badly. Testing the boundaries by saying something obviously mean to another child is very understandable from her point of view but puts you in a really difficult position.

I really hope you'll find a way to sort things out so you can continue to do the job you love and look after your daughter the way you want to too.

p.s. Does the charity you work for begin with H?

Thanks ScummyMummy, the charity does begin with a H. I do want honesty and am not after people sugar coating the truth but I did feel as if people were questioning my integrity and professionality which is unfair.

I can see it does look as if I am being unprofessional by bringing dd to work and of course in an ideal world I would not need to but I do have a child and it isn't an ideal world. Of course by supervising my child I am not giving the job 100% and there is an element of compromise. But I know that compromise still enables me to provide a better service than any other group of a similar nature that I have come across. Now and again I don't take her with me and I do find it easier as it can be stressful having to watch dd and run the group. But it is for that reason that an incredible amount of planning and structure goes into what I do, I am happy to this this unpaid as I understand that I am compromising by bringing my dd to work and that I am in some ways a fortunate position to be able to do that.

I am finding this quite frustrating as it is difficult to describe what I do, as I have said previously these problems have only arisen in the past few weeks so I have been able to give my job the attention it needs as dd is usually the kind of child who will get on with an activity and she does understand that Mummy's job is to play with the other children and she has been fine with that until the past few weeks. I also want to stress that I only run the groups for four hours a week, it is not as if dd is some attention starved child who spends the whole day watching her Mummy work. You are right that I can't be as professional as I would wish if my own dd is being mean to the other kids or I am constantly having to leave what I am doing to deal with her. That is why I have asked for advice as I want to be able to nip this recent uncharactaristic behaviour in the bud so I can return to doing my job in a professional manner and she can continue being happy at work with me.

I think that the situation would be different if I worked for a different charity or organisation. It is hard to describe but bringing dd with work to me somehow fits in with the ethos of the charity I work for, we have a very informal atmosphere and see ourselves as women working together to empower each other and make childhood as mucb fun as possible. There is no ethos of I am a Mum who knows what I am doing and you are someone who needs help, but women pooling their talents and ideas together, I simply facilitate that process in quite a low key way.

If I worked for another organisation or had a different role which perhaps was more formal it would not be appropriate or proffessional to bring dd with me.

All of your comments have made me think about my role though and how having dd there affects what i do and I am grateful for that.

twinset- Please don't think that I (or I hope anyone else) think your kid is attention starved! I absolutely do not think that for a second hon I promise. She sounds very well cared for indeed. I just really don't think there is a way to combine childcare and working even for a short time. I've tried it very briefly in a childcare emergency and it was a disaster! I think if you work with (possibly vulnerable) families, as I did, it is an even worse idea. I had a lot riding on my kids behaving ok and felt torn between the needs of my children, the other children and the parents. Nightmare! It interfered with me being at the top of my game bigtime. It's just an impossible thing to get right imo and that's why I can't offer any suggestions other than find some different childcare. Really hope someone else will be able to come up with something more constractive for you but I know this situation wouldn't work for me.

I think you may have to confront the possibility that your dd's phase may last until she goes to school .

Bringing dd to work does limit my career and is the reason why I am doing the job I do rather than one that matches my qualififcations. I dow ork with some vaulnerable families, but not the most vulnerable as the group would not be approriate for them. I am not paid to be a support worker as I could not do that role justice and watch dd. I am paid to plana nd facilitate play oppurtunities. When dd goes to school I will be doing a job that I am qualified for as i will not have the added distraction of my dd!

I am aware my situation can be a disaster for all parties as I have witnessed that - and in the past I have made other arrangements for dd as I felt unable to do the job as well as I wished while dd was present But I would not have the good reputation that I have if that was the case for me as a rule.

Just out of interest SM what did/do you do?

You may be right flashingnose (although I am hoping you are not!) although there lately there has been some instability at home which I suspect has been at the root of dd behaviour. Dp and I have dealt with the cause of this instability and hopefully things will improve - ever the optomist (sp?)!

I would just concentrate on finding a way to tackle your DD's behaviour. You said that its not just at playgroup anyway.

Most kids under the age of 6 are totally oblivious to the fact there comments hurt others. They just point out the obvious and say how they feel. I'm sure most of us have had that moment when DD or DS points and says OH look at the fat lady and we just want the ground to open up and swallow us.

Make sure that you are consistant and whatever way you choose to disipline/ encourage her will work at home and at the playgroup. If she knows that you have to bite your tongue when you are working she will use this.

Don't give up this job, its not just a job is it? and your DD isn't suffering by going with you. Maybe if your boss is making her feel a bit different and leading the play all the time it might be making her feel more special that the others. Plenty of teachers and nursery nurses in small schools end up with their own children in their classes at some point. It won't be forever anyway you'll get through it.

Thanks SkarySkribble, I started this thread for advice about my dd behaviour rather than my job, although I will no doubt benefit from reflecting on that as well.

I do try to be consistent although it isn't always easy, you are probably right that dd knows she can get away with things more if I am at work as I am pre occupied. A bit like me asking dp for money when he is watching the football

I hadn't thought that maybe she didn't realise her comments were hurtful, although I have a feeling she does. But I will talk to her about this, especially as she came home from nursery a bit upset as someone had said her t shirt "was a bit dirty and not very pretty". Perhaps now someone has turned the tables on her she may understand.

You are right that my work is so much more than just a job to me, I feel lucky to be in that position especially as I have already had one career that I adored and to have that happen again is very lucky. Although I like to think we create our own luck.

Children under 6 really think the world revolve around them (they revert to this as teenagers), she probably keeps going with the rudeness as she has got good reactions but won't be to concerned about child being upset. Just like nipping baby brothers to get mummy to come running. A reward system might work and special mother daughter time away from work to remind her she really is the most important person in the world .

Have been Family Support Worker for various vol sector orgs (including a H in London at one point) tsap. Now doing social work training for my sins.

Thanks SS, I have been thinking about this as I am stufying child psycholgy and what you have said actually tallys with what I have read so maybe I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

Your idea of quality time is a good one, we have been having problems getting her to walk to pre school lately but in return for her walking without making a drama of it we take her to a local softplay centre on a Friday after preschool. She does react well to being rewarded rather than being told off.

Sm you are brave taking on social work especially in London. I could never be a social worker I am too soft,I once said I could be a social worker and everyone laughed at the idea!

I had real problems with DS (8yrs) he felt unloved and basicly made out he was the black sheep of the family. I got him to take me on a date, posh restraunt (local indian) and little sister banished to Pizza Hut with DH. Ended up only doing it the once but it made such a difference.

Did you find working for H very different than other organisations. I know our scheme has a reputatation for being quite maverick and I fit in very well. Often wonder if I would fit in as well with a government agency for example such as Sure Start.

I've done a bit of child pyscology and worked with P2, P1 and nursery age children. Read Freuid he was a bit strange but there is something in it. The Id, the Ego and the Super Ego and all that.

We once took dd to a local Thai restaurant and she adored it, she was so grown up and well behaved. She loved eating from all the dishes, and the fancy cutlery and table wear.

She wore one of her disney princess outfits to go and when she saw the golden cutlery she said, "Look mummy they know I am a real princess!"

Awww

I am a real fan of Freud, we are a rare breed.

I think that we diss Freud because we don;t want to admit how sex obsessed we all are.

I am hoping eventually to go into child psychotherapy or play therapy. In order to achieve that I need to spend less time on here and more time in my books especially with exams so close!

So true, but call it research. You are gathering so much information here .