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Behaviour/development

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How can i stop my dd being horrid with other children.

78 replies

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:15

I run mother and toddler groups and take my dd to work with me. I work for a charity and many of the children have "issues" or may not be as well dressed as other kids.

My dd has always been very good until the past few weeks, she has recently turned into a at times unpleasant snotty little madam. I asked dp to come to work with me yesterday to see if he thought the same and he did. If she is at an art and craft table her creation is better than anyone elses. Yesterday she was nudging children out of the way to be closest to me at story time. She swans about the room as if she owns the place. She is alays saying I am cleverer than her aren't I mummy, or trying to dominate toys.

My dd is always beautifully dressed and does get commented on a lot, alhthough I never allow her to wear labels and most of it is second hand - and she has become aware of this. Yesterday while waiting to go into nursery a little girl asked her if my dd liked her jeans. My dd looked her up and down and said "No, I think they are horrible" The little girl then ran off and told her Mum who then spent 5 minutes glaring and tutting at us. I told dd off and said we all like different things and that we should't say mean things.

I can't bear snotty selfish vain children, one of the reasons I am gald to be out of my marriage is to get away from an environemnt of flashy one upmanship and snobbery and it upsets me to see my daughter showing these very qualities?

Will this end? Is it a phase? As my own parents rarely praised me perhaps I have overcompenstaed with my own dd and this is all my own fault.

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TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:17

how old?

I run kids art workshops and deliberately dont take dd1 with me (although she would love it ) as she gets very confused about me having to spend time with the other kids and also she tries to get my attention.

aloha · 07/10/2005 11:22

Yes, sounds attention-seeking to me.

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:26

My dd is 4, I have made a deliberate choice to take her to work with me as I wanted to combine being a SAHM with building a new career. Just before she turned 2 I stopped taking her as she went through a hitting and biting phase.

My boss is also keen for me to continue taking Grace to the sessions, I have discussed this issue with her , as she is a keen believer in mums and tots being together and also as some families have no model of a functioning family unit playing together, by bringing dd in with me we can do that- although obviously it would be better if dd wasn;t being a snotty madam. I am also sending the message that the groups I believe in the quality of the groups I run so much that I bring my own child.

My pay is quite low, I am not sure I could afford to pay for child care out of my wages, especially as I use her nursery time for studying. My wages pay for dd dancing and our treats.

I only work 6 hours, it isn't as if I am dragging her around all day.

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TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:28

yes but sometimes it just doesnt work

believe me I would love to take dd1 to work with me especially as some of her friends go but at 5 she just does not understand why I dont spend all my time praising her painting.

I am planning to let her come when she is a bit older.

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:29

A lot of it is attention seeking, so I tend to ignore it but i can't ignore her being horrid to other children. If I catch her being horrid I do remove her from the room and place her in time out, but obviously I am not being paid to discipline my own child - I do have a job to do.

I have also sat her down and explained that when I am at work I need to play with the other children as well as her and that if I spend all my time with her I will loose my job and then we won't have money for her dancing.

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TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:31

I dont take dd1 just to avoid having to say things like that tbh

sorry but it really doesnt sound as though it is working. I know jobs where you can take your own kids are the holy grail but IME they rarely work. when does she start school?

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:31

If I were to place dd in nursery I would need to do it all day because of the hours I work - that would cost £30. I only earn that in the 3 hour session that I work!

That means I would have to stop a job that I love and more importantly affect a scheme that is doing much good.

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TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:33

its a hard one

could she go to friends occassionally or a childminder? they are oftne more flexible

nailpolish · 07/10/2005 11:34

this reminds me of when i was little and went to a dancing school and the teacher there took along her daughter. who was a big madam (as opposed to a little madam)

she used to laugh at other people (like me) who had just started and she was 'top of the class'

she always thought she was better than anyone and could get away with anything because her mum was the teacher

you really need to nip this in the bud, although i have no idea how you could do it!

sorry

TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:34

A childminder will only cost £3 an hour thats not bad out of a tenner

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:34

She has another year, if this had happened from day one I would have stopped the job. Until a few weeks ago she was lovely with the children, when I stopped taking her a few years ago my boss kept nagging me to bring her back as she helped the group run so well and the parents miss her. On the odd occasion I don't bring her I spend most of my time explaining where she is and that she will be back.

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moondog · 07/10/2005 11:34

I do some freelance stuff with children and deliberately avoid taking my children as I know they would be jealous and act up.
It's too complicated a scenario for a young child to deal with I think.
Unfortunately.

TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:35

perhaps arrange for her to go to a friends every other week?

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:37

It is finding a childminder who will only work those few hours, as I don't drive I would probably need to leave her about 4 - 4 1/2 hours ro allow me to get to work and get back to her. That is half of my wages, if I was happy with her being with a childminder I would be in a more conventional job.

If I can't stop this behaviour I will need to stop the job.

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twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:37

But the situation hasn't been too complicated until a few weeks ago, so surely it can be dealt with.

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Miaou · 07/10/2005 11:38

Twinset, I started typing out some advice then refreshed before I posted it - and you are already doing all the things I was going to suggest! At her age, dd is probably too young to appreciate the consequences of her continued behaviour (ie you can't work there and therefore no money for dancing) - it's just too remote.

The only other thing I can suggest is a sticker chart for good behaviour at the mother and toddler groups. You can set a couple of rules - eg be nice to the other children, don't push, do as you are asked etc - and she gets a sticker for good behaviour (or a sad face for bad behaviour - I always avoid using the word "bad" as my dd2 tends to apply it to herself instead of her behaviour). Enough good stickers means she gets to go dancing or have a treat. Too many sad faces (an agreed number before you start) means no treat. We've been doing this with dd2 and its having a positive affect on her behaviour.

nailpolish · 07/10/2005 11:39

my dd goes to a playgroup 3 hrs a day, and its only a fiver, it will be free when she is 3

Miaou · 07/10/2005 11:40

nailpolish I think you went to the same dance class as me!!

TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:42

weeeeeeeeellllll....... I hate to say it but it is not unusual for half of a womans wages to go on childcare

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:45

I wouldn't mind half my wages to go on childcare- if they were decent wages but I only earn £51 a week. For this I do my six hours of contact work and many more hours a week behind the scene. I already pay for three afternoons nursery so I can attend my health related appointments and study.

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TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:45

are you training to do something?

TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:46

do you not get free nursery place money?

twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:47

My dd preschool has longer sessions so you have to top them up, it is only £50 a month but as we are only a single wage family ( i don't include what I earn) with a big mortage it is a lot to us and I couldn't afford to increase it.

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twinsetandpearls · 07/10/2005 11:48

I have looked into sending my dd to nursery on the days I work but it is full and as I said I would have to send her all day because I have to leave for work at 11 and I would not get back to pick her up until 4.30.

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TheRtHonBaronessEnidOBE · 07/10/2005 11:48

can you not change your dds nursery to the mornings then study in the evenings until she is at school?