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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Oh dear. 4yo has done something so very naughty. Am a bit too stunned to think of appropriate consequences.

55 replies

poissonrouge · 19/01/2011 09:27

4.8yo dd is off school sick today.

We (her, me and little brother) were playing a quiet game in the sitting room.

While I sat with my back to the sofa, dd climbed up behind me and stood picking a good spot of paint off the middle of the beautiful painting her grandmother painted and gave her for her first birthday.

I can't believe it.

She doesn't really know why she did it.

I didn't even have the oomph to rant and rave about it. I'm a bit speechless really. I rant and rave when she clouts her brother with a golf club - this is... I don't quite know what to say.

She put on a good show of fake crying until I pointed out it was fake and she stopped and looked a bit sheepish.

I haven't lost all perspective. I know she didn't mean any malice. It was jolly naughty of her though, wasn't it? I am just so gutted that she did it.

She has gone for a sleep now (not very well) and was a bit tearful. She asked if I could tell Granny and Grandad not to come and visit us so they don't see the painting. She also asked if we can fix it.

I have told her that I am really disappointed, and that it is very wrong to destroy things and damage things, and that Granny would be very sad if she saw what dd had done.

Q1: How naughty was this? How cross should I be with her? I don't really do punishments, but what are the appropriate consequences? What would you do?

Q2: How do I fix the painting? It's an oil painting. The damage is very obvious. Dd peeled off a yellow bit to reveal the dark blue underneath.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

gettingtogrips · 19/01/2011 09:33

I wouldn't be cross with her, it is her painting after all and it is unlikely that she realised the effect of her picking at the paint. Can't you ask the Granny how to fix it? Couldn't she just re-do that bit?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/01/2011 09:40

I think she was probably day dreaming and not really aware of what she was doing, I used to do this as a child. I'd go easy on her!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/01/2011 09:41

I think she has been punished enough.

Original poster

poissonrouge · 19/01/2011 09:44

Really?

But surely deliberately vandalising a painting is naughty behaviour, even when you're 4?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 19/01/2011 09:46

Come on OP, I don't think she deliberately vandalised a painting. My DD would still do something like this, not out of malice she just would. She is 9.8.
Don't punish your DD any more. Do ask your mum if she can fix it though.

Astrophe · 19/01/2011 09:48

I wouldn't punich per se, but the logical consequence is that she has to tell Granny what shes done (perhaps you could, secrety, first, so Granny isn;t too horrified when she sees it) and ask Granny if she can fix it. I don't think she'll do it again.

I agree, it is naughty, but the aim is for her to learn her lesson.

What a shame, I'd be very sad if my DD did that - feel your pain :(

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/01/2011 09:52

She sounds really upset already though

Original poster

poissonrouge · 19/01/2011 09:52

"I think she has been punished enough"
"Don't punish your dd any more"

I haven't punished her at all!

Not that I am about to get my big stick out or anything. Just saying.

And I know that it wasn't done out of malice, but surely children can't randomly break things and not get told it is wrong?

Can't ask MiL to fix it. Not practical.

Hmm. I think I will involve dd in fixing it.

OP posts:

BendyBob · 19/01/2011 09:56

It was a bit naughty I agree but she knows it now I think that's all you can do.

She probably couldn't resist touching an inviting bit of dried paint and peeling it off. Obviously you are upset because it is special and so is she.

It's just that at 4 you do sometimes forget things like that in the absorbed moment when all your attention is on the thing you want to touch. It over-rides everything at that moment. Children have to be told a gazillion times not to before it all sinks in and they reign in urges like that.

I bet Granny will understand. She may even be able to repair it by repaining that part of the picture.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/01/2011 09:57

Well, you told her granny would be sad, she listened and was upset.

Which is fair enough, but also 'enough punishment' IMO

notyummy · 19/01/2011 10:00

I think she should be made to tell Granny and say sorry for spoiling the picture. She almost certainly didn't do it maliciously, but because she didn't understand the consequences. The only way she will learn the consequences is by understanding the impact of your actions (i.e you have spoiled the picture and made us/Granny a bit sad.) I am not talking holding it ovcer her for days or shouting etc, just a calm explanation of why it was wrong, and why she has to talk to Granny. Hopefully then it will be a lesson learned.

Rollmops · 19/01/2011 10:52

Oil paintings do look rather tactile from close up, don't they?
No wonder your DD wanted to touch it. Trying to pick on the paint would follow rather naturally....
It wasn't naughtiness, curiosity more like.

Fennel · 19/01/2011 10:56

i agree 4yos do that sort of thing without being deliberately naughty. I'd hang it out of reach, explain that she can only look at it or touch it with you there because it's special. and ask Granny very nicely to redo that bit.

And make it clear that paintings are not to be messed around with in future. Now she does know for another time.

PixieOnaLeaf · 19/01/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 19/01/2011 11:30

OP - it's just occurred to me that if you post in Arts&Crafts area, there may be folks there who know how to touch up an oil painting...

But I'd just like to say how disappointed I am by this thread - I opened it hoping for some that would make me feel better about DD's antics. Hmmph.

For example, today, after I'd carefully transferred a sleeping (3mo) DS into the pushchair for the school run, DD screamed "WAKE UP BABY DS!" in his ear, at the top of her voice, and then when I opened the door to go out, shoved his pushchair through it (and down two steps). Now that is very naughty behaviour!

Acinonyx · 19/01/2011 13:39

I'm sure it could be touched up - Granny could probably touch it up herself.

Dd (5) has a number of water colours by her gran on her bedroom wall and I am forever nagging her not to finger them or, worse, rub her feet on them. Think I'll pick one and have it framed properly with glass over it for posterity.

rubyrubyruby · 19/01/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 19/01/2011 13:45

My dad paints in oils and could easily restore a picture where some of the texture had been flaked off - why isn't it practical to ask MIL to have a go at it?

It does sound as if it was one of those thoughtless inexplicable things that children someties do, and her own distress at damaging it should be enough to teach her a lesson - unless you feel she is being careless and defiant about it? Apologising to Granny sounds a good idea.

IngridFletcher · 19/01/2011 13:45

To make you feel better my ds1 when 4 did something so naughty at a friend's house that I felt the need to send her flowers to apologise.

He was not sorry and could not tell me why he did it either.

DefNotYummyMummy · 19/01/2011 14:48

My son has stuns me somtimes with behaviour like this too. He says he just wanted to see what would happen when...etc etc etc.

When he does these things I think what the hell were you thinking ...? It just doesn't make sense. But I guess ( I hope !) it's a learning curve. They are getting less and less.

Acanthus · 19/01/2011 14:52

I think you're right - get some paint and involve her in fixing it. There's probably no need to say anything more.

Ingrid - WHAT did he do?

IngridFletcher · 19/01/2011 16:51

He was playing in the garden and playhouse with 2 others including friend's son. They decided it was a good idea to get loads of mud and decorate the interior of the playhouse including toy kitchen and rug and walls and loads of soft toys. I have never seen the like! I burnt with shame. He would not have done it if alone but you can hardly say that as a defence!

troublewithtalk · 19/01/2011 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

containher · 19/01/2011 17:59

I agree with NOT YUMMY That sort of thing is EXACTLY the kind of thing my absentminded , fiddling son would do- and he would do it without malice or predetermination. It is also the kind of thing I would do, I myself can't resist picking at things. However I would certanly have punished him.
I would say something like " that was really thoughtless of you, granny gave that picture for you, it took her a long time to make and she hoped you would look after it, How would you feel if you had spent hour on a picture and someone ruined it?"
Then I would say she would have to write/draw an apology letter and tell her grandma what she has done herself and say that she is sorry.
Yes she is 4. but if you don't reprimand even unconscious and 'accidental' damage then it gives the child the notion that is it ok to not care for things, and that being impulsive means it excuses you from damaging things.

MoonUnitAlpha · 19/01/2011 18:05

I don't really think it's "naughty" as such either... damaging a painting in a rage or to upset someone would be naughty. Picking a bit of paint to see what it felt like or whatever was going through her head was childish and thoughtless, but she is only 4.

Apologising to granny and asking if she can fix it is consequence enough.

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