Don't know where to start with DD1 (11yrs)

[sparrowwatcher44]

Hi, this is my 1st time on here and my 1st post.I really hope someone can help me.
The relationship between myself and my almost 12 yr old 1st born is really breaking down and I am beside myself with worry.I cry almost every day because of how she talks to us(me in particular) and her behaviour.She has an 8 yr old brother who she has never got on with and there is a lot of jealousy.I am still with their dad. I have been a SAHM for most of her life.Because there is only one wage coming in we have to be very careful with money.I am due to do a retraining course very soon to get back into teaching.She doesn't have as much as her friends, we do not have an xbox360, kinnect, she doesn't have a T.V in her room and a lot of other things.
She has always been a headstrong, quite willful child, school has always been problematic.Every year she was in juniors I had problems, she was being bullied, or was bullying.She is very bright but lazy which causes me a lot of frustration.She was bullied because she was popular, because of her intelligence, because she was pretty ,because she wore glasses and there was a lot of jealousy because she could sing and got a lot of attention because of that.
Since starting at secondary it has all gone mental.I know it is a particularly anxious, stressful time, she has had to make a lot of new friends and find her place within the school.She did really well in her yr 6 SATs and I was hopeful of a new school, new start and she did start off really well.Now, I can't even get her to do her homework, she would rather get a 15min detention for not doing it.She went through a phase of getting a lot of detentions.She has taken against a few of her teachers which I knew she would, I know you can't like everyone.She has such a thing about authority and being told what to do.I know that she has a lot of qualities that will probably take her far, she will not back down from anyone, she sticks up for herself, another cause of the bullying but I'm worried she will get into trouble as she also sticks up for her friends and HAS to get involved in their buisness.
I realise I am rambling here, apologies, my specific concerns at the moment are several, she has stopped eating breakfast.What stance am I meant to take with this? I know she is at an age where body image is key but I am really unhappy about her leaving the house without eating.She used to eat cereal, not anymore, she used to eat toast, this is now "gay" (I can't even understand how she talks anymore)I offer her several things but am getting worried I sound desperate that she is using this as a kind of control thing.We have just got her a blackberry curve as all of her friends have one (and they do) and she wanted to have a BB pin and be able to "ping" her friends.We also thought we could use it for leverage possibly.This is also creating problems as we take it off of her at 9pm and she thinks we are punishing her as her friends(and I can't believe this but I have seen it myself) are allowed to stay up all hours during the week and even later at weekends.Are we in a minority here in expecting our not quite 12 yr old to go to bed before 10pm on a week night? Over xmas, she got into a habit of going to bed later and later which I did try to address but I know it takes time.My problem now is that when we ask her to get ready for bed(9.30) she defiantly says "I'm not going to bed now" so even if she was upstairs and in her jammies she would be wanting to BB message, that's why we took it off of her and go on FB (another huge problem) so no laptop in her room and my husband has even had to take away her stereo lead as she would still be up reading, and listening to music when we were going to bed! She is getting to sleep on average after 12 each night, I know this to be too late.She thinks I am nagging, she thinks I am stopping her from doing what she wants but we(her dad and I) don't think we are being unreasonable.What more can we do?, what can we do? I must admit I don't like her new set of friends, one was excluded from her last school for violence and didn't get to do her SATs.We have said, no phone calls after 9pm, that's fair isn't it? but her friends don't listen, so we unplug the house phone(lol) she hasn't worked that out yet.Her friends seem to be allowed to stay up til they drop and seem to be allowed on their laptops/phones/watching DVDs until into the early hours.I don't know what to do, every day we argue and she says such horrible things to me.Your thoughts would be gratefully received as I must admit I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about her.

I would caution against getting her into gymnastics because it's a very body conscious sport and if she shows any aptitude for it, depending on the culture of the gym, there will be pressures to have a certain body type, maybe an ambitious coach trying to make a name for him or herself pushing her hard and insisting on remaining small, which is essential for gymnastics. Go with her strength instead. Pull out all the stops and find something musical, even a cathedral choir, any chorus, any programme where her talent can shine through and there will be positive girls and boys around her and a group situation is perhaps better than one where the spotlight will be on her alone.

I really recommend trying to build up her confidence by encouraging competence at home in the area of baking, coking a simple meal, building up a repertoire of things she can cook for the family. Girls may have all the blackberries and ipods and like to come across as ultra cool and blah blah blah, but around age 11 - 13 they still like to have domestic skills under their belts and secretly feel good about being able to contribute to the family, make something everyone appreciates (but don't gush with praise). It's an age when insecurity about their appearance can cause all sorts of pain and it's important therefore to change the focus to skills that are still seen as feminine and valuable. Having her dad tell her she's doing a good job would be important.

WRT the homework journal - have her teachers sign the notebook in school at the end of every class to indicate she has written down what the assignment is, and you or your H sign it every evening when you see the work she has done until she gets her act together.

I'm not really sure about the gymnastics as she wears glasses and when she was doing it before they used to make a bit of a thing about it, but she is older now and hopefully will be able to wear contacts from about 13, everything being o.k.The baking/cooking is something she is showing an interest in and is something we can do together.We made a chocolate cake the other night.I used to always do stuff with DS as he showed such an interest she was like "yeah, you're alright" but she does food tech now and really likes the Fridays she gets to bring home something she has made.The only place I know of is one of those franchises that gets you all in , takes yer money and your kids come out almost crying from stress headaches, I had a really bad experience with an all singing, all dancing, all drama affair she used to do Saturday afternoons for just over 2 yrs.We can't commit to Saturdays as we recently bought a campervan and we would like to keep our weekends free for travelling :>)

There is a place on a friday night I could consider but she is a little reticent, you just pay for what you want to do so for her it might be singing and acting say.She loves the stage, gets nervous but loves the limelight she is comfortable doing solos and has done several.A theatre school would be lovely but we can't afford it.

O'h and the 1st thing she said when I saw her after school was "I'm sorry for what I said this morning" which I accepted graciously but I had trouble figuring out just what she meant LOL :>) but I think she meant the I won't go to school thing.

Head of year has not as yet phoned back :>(.