Advice on attitude please

[EddiesTeddy]

Please, I am desperate for any advice I can get before I lose the will to live!

My son has not long turned 5 and has developed the most shocking attitude towards everything that I say to him. If I ask him a simple question I get "I'm not telling you" or the answer said in a really agressive nasty way. I get complete defiance towards anything and everything that I say to him, from asking him to get dressed to what he wants for dinner.

I have tried everything from telling him off, giving him warnings for his attitude, naughty step and even sending him to bed. I have been consistant but over the last few weeks nothing has changed, in fact it has gotten worse.

At the moment he is having a massive tantrum on the naughty step, I sent him on for his attitude and his being nasty to DD. His screaming has been going on for 20 minutes now, he is kicking the door, calling me stupid, nasty, horrible etc and screaming that he wants to come off- I am trying to ignore him cos if I dont it will be giving him the attention (albeit negative) that he wants.
someone please tell me where I am going wrong, I know all kids have their phases and "This too shall pass" and al that but I need help before I have a breakdown!

I don't think the naughty step works for that age tbh
I just threaten things
'if you don't pack it in no tv today'
or take a favourite toy away
does he get lots of fresh air and exercise?

If you ask him what he wants for dinner, for example, and he replies in a nasty voice just say "oh well, no dinner for so and so, then" and keep everything as light as you can without letting him get away with the bad behaviour. He's pushing his boundaries as far as he possibly can, in my opinion. I read somewhere that the best way to deal with a stroppy child is to imagine yourself as a slightly bored, basically kind policeman dealing with troublesome football fans - it was Libby Purves, I think.
You have my sympathy though. My four year old has the odd day (week!) like this and it's so wearing.

I think I might have to try the disinterested voice, at the moment I am trying the overcheerful voice but I just sound like a drunk Granny Murray

But seriously though I find it hard to completely ignore it because I have a two year old daughter and I dont want her picking up his moodyness- you know what kids are like at her age already!

Compo, I was going to take him to the local indoor play centre this afternoon with with the mood he is in I dont know whether it would seem like I was encouraging it ot not? I dont know whether it would sound like I was saying that even though he has been playing up all day he still gets to have fun- what do you think?

Perhaps you could tell him that you are thinking of taking him to the play area if he can behave himself for an hour or whatever. If he's stroppy about it, he doesn't go. Let him see the rewards that cooperation can bring.

Am amused at the thought of drunk Granny Murray though!

We have the same with our 3 yr old DD who's always been ahead of herself so we tend to go through all the stages earlier than our friends with similar aged children. The most effective thing that worked for us in the short term was a reward chart with a 'no rude speaking' goal. However, I would say that the reward chart novelty has well and truly warn off now and too am looking for new tactics.

If she speaks rudely just asking for something, then as others have said we simply say that she doesn't get anything speaking like that and carry on with what we are doing until she can ask nicely. However for other instances now the reward chart is failing, we do use the naughty step and when its really bad we apply zero tolerance, i.e no warning, no lee-way, every instance of rude speaking is straight on the naughty step and that often snaps her out of it for a couple of days. We also have the same issue with the shouting and screaming on the naughty step sometimes and if so we just put her in her bedroom and ignore until she is calm enough to sit on the naughty step appropriately.

Am watching with interest for any other advice though

We also in the past have asked DS and DD whether they would like it if we spoke to them like that and to think about how their voice sounds before they speak. Also asking if they would speak to their teacher in that voice was strangely effective, especially when DD had a teacher she adored.
Five is certainly old enough for consequences, rather than punishment and reward, in my opinion. You don't tell me nicely what you want for dinner you go hungry. You don't get dressed when I ask, you miss whatever the rest of the family are going out to to do. And try and tailor your questions so he has something to lose by not answering nicely ie: would you like a drink of juice? instead of are you thirsty? Does that make sense?