Talk to me about your experiences with attachment parenting - my GP said I am making a rod for my on back...

[plasticspoon]

I have a 7wk-old ds, and before he was born I read about attachment parenting and it felt right - luckily so as I have a total velcro baby (and have indeed posted before wondering if it was normal). He likes to be held all the time (mostly by me), to breastfeed very frequently in the day and wakes up screaming the instant he is placed in a moses basket/cot/pram.

So I am bf on demand, co-sleeping, persevering with slings (not quite there yet so am currently still just holding him most of the time) etc...had our 6 week check last Friday and GP told me I am making a rod for my own back. I was bf'ing him as we walked in to the room and made an off-hand comment about how he is only happy on the boob, which seems to have prompted the remark. I didn't even mention the rest!

This seems to be a fairly common attitude - even at the bf'ing group I've joined I seem to be on the unusual side - and I'm losing a bit of confidence. Although he is on the whole extremely supportive, my dh would like us to try using the pram more (ds hates it atm!), and would probably be more comfortable with a more traditional approach.

I thought hearing about other's (hopefully +ve) experiences with AP might inspire me and also help me understand how day to day practicalities might work. For example, if you co-sleep are you signing yourself up to years of going to bed at the same time as the baby?! I am at my ignorance...

Gah, own back, obviously!

I've found that, far from making a rod for my own back, APing made my life easier. I coslept reluctantly at first, by choice later, as it was easier. I used a sling because it was easier. Prams are a pig to get on and off the bus, and can, if you've had pelvic problems in pregnancy, hurt to push too. Also, with a sling, if your baby's fussy and you need to get on with stuff, you can just bung them in it and carry on with whatever you're doing. Much easier than constantly having to go and deal with them.
FWIW, my dcs are 5 and 3 and both sleep in their own beds now. DS left our bed at 2. DD was a little later.
Personally, if it helps, I like to do things the easiest way possible, and for me, that was AP.

All 3 co -slept with me and two were cling-ons. The oldest clinger and massive feeder has always been a confident and independent young girl. I like to think it's because of AP that she feels secure enough to just do her own thing.

Bear in mind that he's only 7 wks old atm. I've changed my mind on parenting styles at least 6 or 7 times since dd was born!

I never had a name for it but that is what I did

they need to be held, fed on demand and kept close and comforted whenever, wherever

is you gp a male? has he ever been the person that does the majority of the childcare?

just ignore him and follow your instincts

At just 7 weeks this is entirely normal. I would say don't cling to a 'theory' and worry that you are harming your baby if you then decide to do something differently.

As your baby develops and changes so will your parenting 'style,' and you may find yourself using buggy, cot, dummy etc because that is what works for your child. Or you may not.

Remember there are many ways to raise a happy confident child. And no you are not making a rod for your back.

No, the only female gp at the practice! But very obviously poles apart from me in terms of her view of babies. I had taken ds in the pram to see if he would tolerate it yet. He didn't and was screaming by the time we arrived hence the bf. As I loaded him back in for the walk home he started crying again and she said 'just ignore him and walk fast!' Not much else I could do at that point but I got the feeling it reflected her approach...

I breastfed on demand (and when I assumed that was what was being demanded/thought it might help!). I had the moses basket next to the bed, so I could lean over and lift my baby out of the basket whenever I wanted to, but didn't co-sleep, because I toss and turn in bed all night, as does dh, and I have a hard enough time not bashing dh in the face, let alone anyone else silly enough to sleep with us! And I carried my dss when they seemed to need it, tried slings (hated them), and found pushchairs worked beautifully at rocking them off to sleep.

Basically, I think slavishly following a "style" of parenting is silly, whatever style you follow. Take whichever bits suit you out of whichever styles you like. Don't try to do everything "right". You are not An Attachment Parenter (unless you're a complete loon) - you're a mother learning what suits you and your baby best and your personality leans towards attachment parenting. This is not the same thing as it being entirely right for you in every detail. I take strong objection to people blithely stating there is only one correct way of caring for a baby and that any deviation from this is harmful. There are far too many different types of parent and baby out there for that to be remotely true.

That's my view, anyway!

Do what you want?
The random comment of o GP (and what makes him/her a parenting expert) shoyuldn't even register with you.

As Lenin says, kids are a rod full stop.

you are parenting your child in the best way for them and for you.

gps are trained to practise medicine, not to offer unwanted advice on childcare.

babies grow quickly and change constantly.

I pretty much AP. We co-slept from birth until 34 months when DD happily went to her own room, BF on demand also until 34 months when she informed me she no longer needed it, used a didymos wrap to get her put and about, fed her to sleep etc...............

My DD is 3 and a bit. She is happy, secure and reasonably confident. She trotted off to pre school without a tear despite having never been left, settles her self to sleep, sleeps all night (Unless she is poorly or needs a wee.....)

If I had had 10p for every "rod for your own back" comment I got when she was small I could live in luxury for ever....

Funnily enough some of those people who made those comments are now saying how delightful my DD is, and how much easier she is to cope with than their (Non Ap, in one case VERY strictly routined own room from birth etc) DC are...maybe a co-incidence but it works for us!!! (Not that she is an angel you understand....)

First of all never take any notice or advice from people who spout crap like 'making a rod for your own back'

We co-sleeped until DD was about 2 years then she wanted her own bed, the transition was smooth. You could put your DS in his own room for day naps that way it isn't a strange enviroment for him.

Sling: what type of sling do you have if your still not keen on it maybe consider a new type.

Do what feels right for you.
Some tiny babies just like to be cuddled all the time; I have an almost 4 year old here who always wanted to be carried and sleep in our bed, constantly on the boob etc; now she's a lovely (well, mostly :o) confident little girl who I don't see for dust at playschool. She's still good for a cuddle though :)

I'm surprised that you feel a bit strange following attachment parenting in breastfeeding group. Which organisation is running the breastfeeding group?

I went to two breastfeeding groups, La Leche League and the NHS surestart breastfeeding group. La Leche League is very pro attachment parenting and the surestart group had people who were sympathetic to attachment parenting.

I think that seven weeks is very little. Babies are hard work however you decide to parent them. Its best to ignore negative comments and say something that different methods work for different families.

plastic, if you are going to continue bfing you are going to have to toughen up a bit , just listen and do what you want.

You say that you are following your instincts and have a velcro baby. This sounds very much like us and our DC1. Until someone has experienced a child like this, they simply can't understand how hard it can be. In my opinion it would be even harder if you were trying to fight against it and instill a strict routine.

Do try to give his life some order though. Make sure you dress him each morning and get him outside, if you can, for some of the time so he gets day and night a bit quicker. Also, try a nice bath in the evening and pyjamas. Will probably make no difference but at least you will feel like you are doing something.

If you aren't clicking at your bfing group is there another you could go to as well? LLL, ABM and NCT run good local groups. Its still early days though and you might take longer to make good friends.

Before I had DC2 I read Babycalming by Caroline Deacon. DC2 was much more relaxed, although that could be coincidence, but I now recommend the book and feel that it helped me understand DC2 quicker and gave me more confidence to parent in the way we wanted.

In the end though, do what you feel is right. I did and my velcro baby is now a confident, happy, intelligent little DS who is doing well at school and has lots of friends.

Enjoy your first Christmas with your lovely new DS and forget the throwaway comment from your GP.

Hey, I went with AP with DD - co-sleeping, slings, demand feeding etc. She wouldn't go in the pushchair and whenever I tried, I ended up carrying her and pushing the pushchair, was easier to just put her in the sling. I used a Wilkinet to start with which was great when she was newborn then switched to an Elleroo wrap sling when she was about 8 weeks.

like you, my DP also preferred to use a pushchair, I think he found the sling too complicated to put on , so I just had an agreement with him that he could 'transport' DD his way and I would transport her mine as long as she wasn't crying... ie if he wanted to take her out in the pushchair that was fine but he would pick her up and carry her if she started crying.

She is 10months now and we both use a mixture of sling and pushchair - DP has realised that it is easier to carry her round the fields on dog walks than push her - and I've got far too lazy to lug her round town in the sling now she is so big!

Ignore GP and just go with your instincts.

I am sorry you are losing your confidence. Nothing that you have said here makes me think you are making a rod for your own back.

After my 6 week (or 8 week? I can't remember) I posted here as my female GP said some similar things and I was feeling really down. 10 weeks on, things have been much better ignoring the GP and doing things my way.

My little one is gaining independence every day, I can leave her on her playmat or in her pram for longer and longer - I think its because she knows that if she does need me, I am right there. I never used to be able to put her down for more than the time it took me to go to the loo (if that!). She still likes to sleep on me (day and night) but the breastfeeding is soooo much easier this way and I get so much more sleep. Also, in this cold weather, she is all warm and lovely for cuddles. I dont go to bed at 7 with her - she naps on me and DH until we are ready for bed. I am sure she will learn to sleep on her own soon, I will start trying to put her down more to sleep when the weather improves.

If it feels right for you, and your little one is happy - carry on. Ignore anyone who tells you that you are doing things "wrong" - they are not parenting your little person, you are.

You are doing really well - keep coming back here if you need a boost

I would have thought that a GP would have been supportive of breastfeeding on demand, given how central that is to the whole process of creating an adequate milk supply!

All babies are different, all parents are too. You do what works for your family, it is impossible to establish 'bad habits' in a 7 week old!

FWIW DD (18 months) co-slept with us (needed a lot of night feeds) and was bf to sleep - now DD sleeps through most nights and DH puts her to bed in about the same amount if time I used to (sometimes quicker!).

He has spent 9mths inside you, of course he wants to be held by you, he's only 7wks old. My DS1 was a 'velcro' baby too. I didn't set out to do attachment parenting as such but that is what I ended up doing pretty much!

I think you're doing great. Following your instincts is the way forward and as long as you're relatively happy doing this (obviously parenting is going to be hard at times) then great :)

Oh and plastic have you tried your local Slingmeet. You might find some Mums there who have similar views to you regarding parenting. If nothing else you'll get a cuppa and get out of the house for a couple of hours .

Think the site also has info on attachment parenting groups too.

I did the same as you. Also, got lots of negative remarks especially from GP, health visitor, also family and other people. However, it is your child so you decide how you want to raise it, at least that is how I think about it. There are so many experts around, take Supernanny I love to watch it but she hasn't got kids herself ... I think it is a totally different ballgame when it is your own child. I read the Childwhisperer and lots of other books but decided it just wasn't for us. I have never regretted it. Also, dd never went to nursery etc and once going to primary school she settled beautifully unlike many of the kids who had been in nursery and are still screaming and kicking for the teacher's attention (large class). DD is way ahead with reading, writing, general knowledge because she is a very confident and settled girl eager to learn. So, it really seems to work for us. She was like yours by the look of it, hated a pram until she was too heavy for a swing/baby carrier, then we got a Jane three wheeler which she did like. Also, when really little she didn't like the swing, only from about 4-5 months onwards. It was not always easy but I am pleased I have persevered. So my advice would be try to ignore all those people who know so well, raising children is not something which can only be done in one way and other ways are wrong, you do the best you can and what works for you. Good luck.

sorry sling not swing

Plasticspoon, you sound like an amazing mum!

Everybody's baby is a velcro baby at some point.

Personally, I think it's great that you're following what feels right for you and your baby.

You know, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone about how you choose to raise your child. Not your G.P., not your friends, not your mother.

Have faith in yourself - no child ever faded away from too much attention and hugs from a loving parent. And every child thrives under it.

You sound like you're doing really well and settling into motherhood just fine. I think the phrase 'rod for your own back' should be banned or at least be punishable by a good slap. I heard it from a lot of mums at playgroup (they do get bored of saying it eventually) but I think if a GP said it to me I would be asking to see a different GP, it's shockingly ignorant to say that about BF on demand.

I agree with reallytired, you are very likely to meet like-minded parents at a LLL meeting, at the one I go to almost everyone has either co-slept or used a sling or both. There's a list of local groups here.