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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Talk to me about your experiences with attachment parenting - my GP said I am making a rod for my on back...

58 replies

plasticspoon · 21/12/2010 18:19

I have a 7wk-old ds, and before he was born I read about attachment parenting and it felt right - luckily so as I have a total velcro baby (and have indeed posted before wondering if it was normal). He likes to be held all the time (mostly by me), to breastfeed very frequently in the day and wakes up screaming the instant he is placed in a moses basket/cot/pram.

So I am bf on demand, co-sleeping, persevering with slings (not quite there yet so am currently still just holding him most of the time) etc...had our 6 week check last Friday and GP told me I am making a rod for my own back. I was bf'ing him as we walked in to the room and made an off-hand comment about how he is only happy on the boob, which seems to have prompted the remark. I didn't even mention the rest!

This seems to be a fairly common attitude - even at the bf'ing group I've joined I seem to be on the unusual side - and I'm losing a bit of confidence. Although he is on the whole extremely supportive, my dh would like us to try using the pram more (ds hates it atm!), and would probably be more comfortable with a more traditional approach.

I thought hearing about other's (hopefully +ve) experiences with AP might inspire me and also help me understand how day to day practicalities might work. For example, if you co-sleep are you signing yourself up to years of going to bed at the same time as the baby?! I am at my ignorance...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

OonaghBhuna · 21/12/2010 22:18

Do what feels right, especially if you are happy and your baby is happy. My dc3 was attached for about 3-4 months and then he wanted more space from me. He is 17 months and a very happy little boy.We co slept fpr 6 months and then we managed to get him to sleep in his cot for part of the night.....he is still in our room........:) He wakes at 5 for cuddles and snuggles and stays with us until we get up at 7!

Jojay · 21/12/2010 22:26

Your baby is so young and you are doing a great job.

Ds2 was like that at that age, yet by about 4 months he was happily sleeping in his moses basket without any particular encouragement from me.

They change so quickly, just do what you need to do to get through the next few momths, and often a routine and more independent behaviour evolves by itself.

Go with the flow and enjoy it - before you know it he'll racing around and be far too busy to cuddle his Mum!

SkyBluePearl · 22/12/2010 04:33

I had a sling and a buggy but used the sling most as it worked best and i could BF on the go. We did push the sleeping though a little bit at 6 months but it wasn't a big deal really as we were very slow and loving in our approach.

Cosmosis · 22/12/2010 09:24

If you have a baby who doesn't like to be put down, I can't think why you would make your life harder by ignoring that! I am lucky in that DS is happy to be put down when he's awake, but sleeps are another matter. He's asleep happily on my chest now and I love it

As Jojay, he has just started (in the last 2 weeks) to be happy to sleep in his basket at night, he's 15 weeks.

wahwahwah · 22/12/2010 09:27

I think it depends on the mum and the baby. If it works for you, go with it.

When he is older, encourage him to play with other kids and family members, so that he doesn't end up one of those kids who let go of your knees, but at this age, all he needs is his mummy

minervaitalica · 22/12/2010 09:37

AT 7 weeks all talk of "making a rod for your own back" is rubbish. Do what feels right and you will not be far off the mark (and this comes from someone has never considered co-sleep, hated slings etc)

bumblebod · 22/12/2010 09:42

You sound like you're doing great :0) Listening to your baby and going along with their needs, 7 week old babies are needy. I am an AP style parent but sometimes have find it hard, especially because it is unusual. My DS is 1 now, and with my next baby I am determined not to worry so much about what is 'right' and just go with what they are telling me. Trust that your DC will grow out of phases (constant sucking, not being put down, only sleeping with you etc) and find their way when they are ready. I still BF and cosleep and often find myself offering him a boob he has no interest in any more in the night, he pushes me away and sleeps in his cot (is on the side of our bed for extra space)! I am a velcro mama lol!

Be well and enjoy your teeny baby and trust they will find their independence in their own sweet time ;0)
xx

thx1138 · 22/12/2010 09:54

You are not making a rod for your own back, you are giving your child a very good start and the comfort and closeness he requires at this very early stage of his life. Stick to your guns.

My son is now 8, he was taken everywhere in a sling for the first 6 months. We co-slept for years and although he has his own bed now, he still hops in with us when he wants to. He was breastfed on demand and was still being breastfed in the morning and at night up to the age of 3.

In terms of co-sleeping, we would take it in turns to settle him in the family bed at bed time and then leave him. This worked very well and meant we are able to have time together when he was asleep. Having him in the bed with us also meant that we got a lot more sleep in the early years than many of our friends who didn't co-sleep.

I haven't had another child but if I did I would do the same thing again. For us AP was the way to go.

1944girl · 22/12/2010 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CommanderDrool · 22/12/2010 19:10

I always found it impossible to 'get on with things' with baby in a sling. I am, however, an expert at one -handed cooking with a baby wailing on my shoulder.

VivaLeBeaver · 22/12/2010 19:13

GPs aren't parenting experts. She was trying to me helpful and was giving you "advice" based on her own opinion/parenting style. Do what suits you.

threefeethighandrising · 22/12/2010 19:15

Ignore the GP, what an idiot. And ignorant too.

GPs are just that - general practitioners. Baby experts they are not!

threefeethighandrising · 22/12/2010 19:15

Cross post VivaLeBeaver!

CommanderDrool · 23/12/2010 14:02

Maybe the GP was having a bad day, is a mother too, has left a snotty screaming toddler at nursery and was feeling a bit too fed up to be sensitive to the finer points of attachment parenting.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 23/12/2010 14:09

Haven't read every single post so sorry if repeating - agree with everyone else, you sound like you're doing a great job :)

From about the time when DS got more mobile - 7 or 8 months ish? I started feeding him to sleep on our bed and then coming downstairs for the evening. Before this he spent the evening dozing on and off in my arms and went to bed with us at 11ish. I still do this now and he's 2, though TBH I think I could have moved him to his own room happily at about 13 months, if I hadn't have left his Dad at around that time (so carried on co-sleeping to help him feel more secure). He's definitely ready for his own room now but I am just being slow at sorting out a proper bed for him as he's now too big for a cot :)

Karoleann · 23/12/2010 18:40

Personally, I agree with your g.p, the more you hold him the more he'll get used to being held. I also personally wouldn't co-sleep as I just don't think its safe.
But he's your baby you do as you feel best. Especially at this age they get into habits quickly, but they can also get out of them quickly too.
It is really important that you don't shut out your husband though, respect his opinions and explain why you're doing what you're doing and if it stops working you'll stop doing it. They're only little for a short amount of time but one day they go and hopefully your husband will be around for a lot longer!
Incidentally I didn't do anything like attachment parenting, both of mine were in their own rooms in the first month, both at nursery (part-time) by 6 months and they're both lovely children. DS1 has settled really well at school - they only child that hasn't is the one where the parents did attachment and unconditional parenting.

Llanarth · 24/12/2010 11:23

We did the attachment thing by default rather than ideology (velcro baby with parents too exhausted to consider doing anything else) and got all the 'rod for your own back' comments. Admittedly, our baby did become a dreadful sleeper (still waking 14 times a night at 10 months old) and whether that was because of the co-sleeping, breastfeeding to sleep or not I can't say (but I suspect it was TBH).

BUT the result of all of this hard work is the most confident, outgoing, bright, secure and sunny toddler you could ever hope to meet, and I genuinely expect the benefits will follow him throughout his life.

Follow your instincts - you have them for a reason. Someone once said to me "Imagine you were a lone savage in the woods who had read no baby books, and had no preconceptions about 'what baby's do'. Suddenly you gave birth to a baby. What would your instincts tell you to do? You would sleep with them to keep them safe; you would feed them as soon as they were hungry: you would pick them up the instant they cried."

Instincts are there for a reason so if in doubt, follow them!

Binky55 · 24/12/2010 11:44

My ds is 6 months now and I have been attachment parenting like you from day one! He hated not being in my arms and when I went to put him down in his moses basket he would scream blue murder which I couldn't have obviously so I took up co-sleeping or rocking for day naps. He was constantly breastfeeding too. This is all normal as you are the only thing he knows and he needs you so much and he is still so young. People will tut tut and offer you advise but you have to trust your instincts and if it feels right for you and your baby then so be it. My ds hated everything for the first few months, bathing, changing, getting undressed, sitting in his swing etc but now he loves it all and is such a happy boy. And feeding does calm down eventually - around 3 months for me. just enjoy the time you have atm cos it goes by so quick and before you know it you will have a little routine and he will be happy to amuse himself for a while. don't loose confidence - it sounds like you are doing a great job and I know it can get frustrating when all you want is 5 mins to shower but you will get there, babies don't stay like that forever! Forget about the GP, she made a remark when she knows nothing about your baby and his needs. You are giving your baby the best start in life!

tryingtoleave · 25/12/2010 01:09

At seven weeks your baby is so little it is probably best to do whatever is easiest. But I fell into an ap style because ds was such a bad sleeper and I do sometimes wonder if it was the right thing to do. We started cosleeping at nine months and I bf him until he was a little over two. We had a long period when he kept waking in the evening until we came to bed with him which made it impossible to go out. He was still such a bad sleeper when dd was born that I knew I wouldnt be able to get out of bed without disturbing him. So dd ended up sleeping with us from day one and , as a result, she is still at two a bad sleeper who wants to be bf several times a night and day. She also had a long stage of waking in the evening. I now have to wean her quickly for my own health reasons and it is going to be extremely traumatic for both of us. I wish i had just weaned her at nine months before she was addicted. Meanwhile, ds is four and still coming into our bed every night...

I don't know what the dcs would have been like if we hadn't been so ap - maybe it would have been just as hard. But I find everyone only talks about the positives and it can be deceiving.

I don't know what the dcs would have been

mumsgonemad123 · 26/12/2010 22:42

haven't read all the previous messages but just wanted to add my support, you sound like you are doing a great job. trust your own instincts and ignore all comments such as from your GP!

i have always thought that AP style parenting just feels right and makes complete sense but you dont have to follow it to the letter. I have 17 month old twins so of course i haven't been able to follow AP parenting ideals completely but we still always held our twins/rocked them to sleep, went to them and picked them up as soon as a cry wherever possible, they have never been left to just cry it out, they still often end up in our bed half way through the night, they are happy contented little toddlers.

just do what feels right and adapt and change things when they are ready. :)

MumBarTheDoorSantaUsesChimneys · 26/12/2010 23:00

I never had any names for any parenting style!! I did it mumbars way!!

I BF on demand when DS was born, every 2/3 hours during the day and 5 hours during the night. Pead nurses lectured me on it needing to be evry 4 hours . By 4 months DS slept through (cot in his own room) and then I got told off for not feeding him enough. . Basically I took his lead - if he was hungrey/thirsty he got food/water.
(this was abroad btw)

I peronally believe you follow a parenting 'style' that suits your babies personality iyswim. Your baby needs lots of cuddles so you attachment parent and I'm betting you would have done this even if you'd never heard of it.

As long as you and your baby are happy and content then selective hearing is a great skill for mum.

PS Hope you had a lovely Christmas with your LO.

Gonzo33 · 28/12/2010 08:25

I know nothing about AP, but what I will say is go with the flow and do what is right for you and your baby.

With both of my children I did just that and my eldest is a fine young man and my youngest is a confident young baby.

We all have different ways of doing things, which is influenced by our working life, and our previous lifestyle.Hence why only you will know what is right for you and your child.

fuzzypicklehead · 28/12/2010 09:01

I've done AP style parenting with my two DDs. It wasn't what I planned, but felt more natural. With my first, using the sling helped when she was colicky and I had to walk up and down the village to settle her. By the time DD2 came along we old pros at using the sling, so she spent most of the first 6 months of her life in there. (At which point she became fiercely independent and began moving around on her own--thus my kamikazee baby thread!)

At the end of the day, you know your baby best--just do what makes him happy. There's no point persisting with things that he clearly tells you make him unhappy. Just give the pram a rest and try it again when he's a bit older.

PressureDrop · 28/12/2010 09:06

I am not into AP - I don't believe infollowing any particular parenting philosophy - but I totally agree that going with your baby's natural flow, especially in the early months, is the way forward.

Forget about the 'rod/back' concept! It's a fallacy. All babies go through different phases, they can be tricky (no matter what type of parent you are!) and by being flexible and adapting to your baby's needs, you stand the best chance of coming through the crazy phases with your sanity intact.

In other words: do what works for you and your baby!

FairyTaleOfNewYork · 28/12/2010 09:14

i am a part-time AP-er lol.

It took me ages to figure out why dd4 was unhappy. when i got a sling when she was 3monts old, she changed from a grumpy whinging baby to a happy one almost overnight. she is now 2yrs old, and still happy to be carried i na sling though does like a ride in the pushchair.

we also co-sleep. she now starts the night in her bed, but climbs into ours miway through the night. it means we all get some sleep.

am planning on following ds lead when he arrives soon, and have a pram and a varity of slings ready. have even packed a sling into my hospital bag, just in case.

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