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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ...

24 replies

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 13:31

My DD is 22months and my husband is in the Navy. Lately she is refusing to let my husband (her dad) touch her, come near her or even be in the same room as her. I know that he has done nothing wrong because he is softer with her than I am but she is screaming when he comes home from work. I have tried giving them alone time and it worked for 1 day thats it. He picked her up yesterday after she banged her head and she was screaming at him biting, punching, pinching, slapping him to get off her and come to me! PLEASE help me I dont know what I can do and my husbsnd is heart broken. Its putting strains on us because he is so hurt. Please someone help us

OP posts:

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 13:47

Please anybody we really do need your help this is getting too much now!!

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WigWamBam · 28/09/2005 13:48

Is the fact that your dh is in the Navy significant - is he away for long periods of time, for example, so that she doesn't see much of him?

Frayedknot · 28/09/2005 13:52

Amy sorry to hear about this.

Does your DH work away for periods of time?

We had some similar problems with DS when DH lost his job and started working away. DS was younger than your DD but behaved in the same way.

The worst point was when we went on holiday for a week and DS refused to let DH near him, which I think was because of the unfamiliar surroundings, break from routine etc.

He screamed the place down each time DH tried to take him off me to do something e.g. change his nappy, give him a bath, and wouldn;t even sit on DH's lap for a story.

DH was really hurt to begin with but it was fairly obvious why it was happening, so we just persevered.

We found it best for DS to be with DH when I was out of the way (even in another room) and slowly things got better again.

auntymandy · 28/09/2005 13:52

I think children go through phases and this is just another one. My Ds only 'likes' me somedays then he moves his affection to someone else. He doesnt like one of his brothers quite often and this isnt very nice. Just reassure her that Daddy loves her. Maybe you will just have to step back and let Daddy do things for her and dont intervene if she plays up.

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 13:53

He went away when she turned 16weeks last year for 8months he got back just before her 1st birthday. Since then he has pretty much been here for 10months the longest he has spent away is 2weeks. The odd thing is she was so close to him and this has come out of the blue but we cant escape it. She was brilliant with him last year when he got back it was like he had never been away.

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rubles · 28/09/2005 13:55

Oh poor man, that's so sad.
The only thing I can think to suggest is more alone time for the two of them, and then more. Tell him to hang in there and not give up.

We have that in our house too, by the way. It seems so unfair when they dote on them so much.

Frayedknot · 28/09/2005 13:58

Sounds more like a phase then. It is really hard, my DH used to get so down about it

Is there a part of the day when he does certin things with her? Does he give her tea or do her bath?

I would just keep on with your normal routine, if she starts making a fuss when you want her to do something with him, you leave the room and let them get on with it.

I'm sure it will pass.

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 14:02

I am trying to give them as much time as possible but the hard thing is he is going away tomorrow until next Friday and then he is here the Saturday and Sunday and on the Monday he is going away for 2months (could be christmas as well!) I just dont know what else to do I just wanna cry I cant handle how hurt he is when she pushes him away. His eyes just show pure heartache.

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WigWamBam · 28/09/2005 14:09

It really does sound like a phase, and the only consolation that I can offer your dh is that she'll grow out of it. My dh used to take it all terribly personally when dd was like this, but it's nothing personal and it has nothing to do with his ability as a dad.

I don't think there's an awful lot you can do before your dh goes away again; if the problem is still there when he comes back then perhaps it's worth making sure that they get plenty of time together alone so that she can get used to him again.

Are you OK? You sound really stressed out about things.

bee3 · 28/09/2005 14:10

It must be so horrible for you all.
I agree with the others, that it is probably a phase, and that all you can do is keep trying for short periods, especially giving your dh things to do that she really enjoys (pudding at teatime, bath, favourite story etc) and just hang in there. It won't be helped by the fact that he's going away again, but you may well find that when he comes back the phase has passed and you can carry on as normal (not much compensation for your poor dh, I know).
Incidentally, my dh is the Navy as well - where abouts are you? We haven't had any long periods of dh being away since ds was born, but I'm dreading it, as the time will come....

oliveoil · 28/09/2005 14:12

dd1 did this and dh was soooo upset. He used to walk in the door and she would hear him and start screeching 'no daddy no daddy go away' etc etc.

Was a phase, can't remember how long it lasted (sorry) but she now can't get enough of him, shoves me away when he gets in from work now!

Print this thread off for your dh so he knows it is not him, just one of those toddler things.

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 14:14

Im in Portsmouth. Last year was the 1st long deployment we have had.

I am suffering from Post Natal Depression at the moment as well so all this is so much for me to take and I feel like Im breaking down. Sorry moaning at you all what am I like

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PeachyClair · 28/09/2005 14:15

IME kids will push away those they love best, it's a kind of infantile test to check you come back. It's probably exaccerbated by his going away at times, she is role playing and checking that no matter what she does to him, he will always love her and return.

bee3 · 28/09/2005 14:17

Not near me, I'm afraid (in Cornwall) or we could have had a meet-up. Please don't worry about moaning - that's what this place is for! I have to go as ds, awake and crying, but will check thread later. Thinking of you.

WigWamBam · 28/09/2005 14:18

Amy, are you being treated for the PND? You sound as if you're at the end of your tether and could do with a bit of support - is your HV approachable? Or could you contact someone like Home Start for a bit of help?

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 14:21

Yea Im on Anti-Depressants and having regular check ups with HV thanks this has just all taken me back down to where I started

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dexter · 28/09/2005 14:35

Amy, have had experience of my son rejecting his very involved, loving dad. I think this must happen a lot. My trick which has worked is to persist with them having time alone together. He needs to take her out away from you as she will prefer you obviously at present. Keep at it, each day if poss but it works for us with my husband doing it at weekends. just a morning or an afternoon together, it really does work as long as you keep going...
And it's time for you to be alone too...you need that as well, pamper yourself and I'm sure that along with a visit to the doc re: feeling so low will have you on the mend..KEEP GOING!

Harrizeb · 28/09/2005 15:40

Hi Amy,

I know that this was posted a while ago but I've only just come across it. I have the same problem. DH works away and DS pushes him away when he's home, this week DH was away for 3 days and then back for 4 days, on day 4 he just started pushing DH away and telling him that he couldn't play with him, and he didn't want DH to come to a party DS was going to .

It is so hard as you can see the hurt in their faces, and they just adore their LO's.

We have put a map of the UK up in the hall and put little photo's of each of us and then move them round the country to where DH and DS and I are, and we talk about Daddy and where he is most days, it also means that when DS ask's where Daddy is he can go to the map and see.

Are there any ways that you can include DH in your DD's daily routine, what about getting him to record a story for her and then you can give her a choice if it's you or Daddy that reads to her?

We also have lots of family that are miles and miles away and don't see very often and we have photo's of them in magnetic things on the fridge so the faces are familar to DS - it's actually worked quite well in making sure he is familiar with people.

Hope that these ideas might be a little help. Finger crossed for you all.

H x

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 16:06

Hi Harri

Thanks for you reply its nice to know that Im not out there on my own. Its so difficult as Im sure you know because as you said the pain in DH eyes as we're the 1's that our children want. I hope this passes soon for both our sakes and our sanity lol xx

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Harrizeb · 28/09/2005 16:12

Snap .

I noticed that you are being treated for PND too, snap again . Had if for 18mths and thought I'd kicked it but it's back to bite my bottom .

Just makes everything feel 10 times harder to deal with doesn't it.

Take care
H x

Original poster

amy2310 · 28/09/2005 16:16

Yea I had it last year too when my DH was away for 8months and I had to deal with newborn on my own V hard work. Admiration to all single parents out there!! When DH came home I felt better and brightened up but started feeling rock bottom again as the novelty wore off of him being back now with all this I am on death row I think I feel so low!!! xx

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Harrizeb · 28/09/2005 16:31

It is hard isn't it, and we just want to make everything right for everyone, we end up getting left at the back of the queue. I have much admiration for single parents, I really really couldn't do it, I'd fall apart.

I'm very good at concentrating on the things that aren't going very well and the things that do go well I tend to forget about .

H x

Tortington · 28/09/2005 17:35

how about having a photo - that you include in your day. so wake up give daddy a kiss ( the photo) morning daddy. kiss goodnight?

ThePrisoner · 28/09/2005 23:29

Totally agree with custardo about having a photo. Make sure you talk about him a lot, even if you make stuff up ("daddy will be eating his lunch now like we are" type of thing).

As a childminder, I've had children who can be a bit upset about being left, and I tend to do this so that they realise mum/dad haven't just "disappeared", they are just doing something elsewhere.

When my dh was away (only a few days at a time at most), we used to count how many "sleeps" till he came home again. When my dd was a little older, we used to keep a simple diary - she would draw pictures (or scribble) of whatever we'd done that day (toddler group, shopping, making dinner - nothing that impressive) and I would write down her words ("mummy and me went to the park and fed the ducks, blah blah blah" sort of thing). It was for him to read on his return.

Also agree that pushing daddy away is your dd's way of "rejecting" him before he has a chance to do it himself (I know that he isn't, but it's hard for children to understand absences).

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