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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

When to stop telling your daughter she's beautiful.

86 replies

spidermama · 26/09/2005 10:31

I tell my daughter she's beautiful all the time. She really is. I tell her because when I look at her I'm often overcome by her beauty. My dh is the same.

I'm trying to say it less though because I've noticed her rolling her eyes when I say it and looking uncomfortable. It's as if it gets in the way of the ideas and personality she's trying to express.

Does that make sense to anyone?

OP posts:

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koalabear · 26/09/2005 13:53

never

cutekids · 26/09/2005 14:05

I know exactly what you're saying. My seven year old daughter is absolutely gorgeous and is always being told so-by everyone! Strangers in the street etc.! She gets totally embarrassed about it but doesn't mind when I say it to her. My six year old son is always being told what beautiful eyelashes he has and-again-looks at me as if to say "what are they on?". My five year old daughter, however, tells herself she's beautiful all the time....which she is! Thing that i'm more interested in is their health and, as much as I feel so proud that my children are lovely to look at , I sometimes wish people were a little more sensitive when complimenting one against the other. One lady started throwing my seven year old all over the place-she's only little-saying how gorgeous she is etc. My five year old waited for a compliment and never got one. I wanted to cry for her! Over sensitive I suppose! My son, on the other hand, couldn't get out of the shop it happened in quick enough!!!That's the difference between girls and boys I suppose!!!

Zephyrcat · 26/09/2005 14:07

I don't think I will ever stop telling my kids they are beautiful - even when it kills them with embarassment!!

handlemecarefully · 26/09/2005 14:13

Deep down though she loves it Spidermama and it bolsters her self esteem

Tortington · 26/09/2005 14:51

my daughter really isnt - shes not ugly either - lets say shes unique.

i tell her every day she is beautiful and i sing to her as well.

i also do this to the boys i find their embarrassment rather entertaining.

expatinscotland · 26/09/2005 14:56

I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day. She's already such a beautiful person I'm amazed by her.

Beauty that comes from inside lasts forever, so there's no need to ever stop telling her, b/c she'll never stop being beautiful if it's from the inside out.

Cam · 26/09/2005 15:00

Lol Custardo

madmarchhare · 26/09/2005 15:02

Along the same lines as Expat. Tell her you think she is a beautiful person, that covers the fact that its you thats thinking it and that it means everything about her and not just the way she looks.

lilibet · 26/09/2005 16:53

I had a friend a good few years back whose daughter wasn't over blessed in the looks department, she was a lovley little girl, just not a pretty one. One day she cmae home from school very upset because someone had called her ugly. Her mums reaction, "never mind, ugly ducklings always grow into beautiful swans"

FFS!!

Enid · 26/09/2005 16:54

whats wrong wtih that I think tis what I would have said - gives them some ammo

lilibet · 26/09/2005 17:00

Because her mum shoudl have told her that she was beautiful then, not that she will be in a few years.

If you can't beleive that your mum thinks youre gorgeous, what would that do for your confidence in how you look?

misdee · 26/09/2005 17:03

i tell my girls each day they are beuatiful/gorgeous/funny/a princess. they love it. i dont think i'll ever stop. they amaze each day with their thirst for life, their sparkly brown eyes and how much my heart fills with love each time i look at them, how did i make such wonderful girls?

nutcracker · 26/09/2005 17:04

When my dd1 was 2 my dad used to say to her 'are you beautiful'? and she would reply 'no i'm stunning'

She is 7 now and still says it if he asks her.

paolosgirl · 26/09/2005 17:05

Never stop telling her! She may roll her eyes and shrug and look pained, but I bet secretly she's pleased, and probably spends quite a while in front of the mirror wondering if she is beautiful. She needs to hear it from her mum

Nightynight · 26/09/2005 17:13

interesting one lilibet. I remember asking my mother if I was beautiful as a child (Id just figured out what it meant!), and she lied and said yes. But I went away and looked at myself in a mirror, and I knew she had been lying. I just felt that she shouldnt have lied! but then I was a very literal child!

lilibet · 26/09/2005 17:29

Ah but, I am by no means beautiful, and yet for some strange reason my dh thinks I am, and I can tell from his face that he means it with all his heart when he tells me that I am.

Surely that's what it should be like whether it's with parents, partners or even with our children? When my dd tells me I look nice, I beleive her, or am I just soft and gullible?

frannyf · 26/09/2005 17:46

Ds (2.5) looks in the mirror and says "I'm very beautiful." I wonder when it will stop being cute and start being arrogant.

I do see what you mean, Spidermama. Looks aren't very important to most 7 year olds and nor should they be. I think young girls very early on get obsessed with looks and thinness, and if we appear to place importance on this as well it could add to it. Perhaps saying "I love the way you look," is better as it conveys your feelings without a judgement on her appearance?

(But I think you have to tell her once in a while whatever she thinks about it, you just have to!)

jacobsmummy · 26/09/2005 17:54

I was often told as a child that I was beautiful(and without sounding too big headed - I was rather) but as I reached puberty I became very self-conscious and started to feel really uncomfortable with the compliments and attention. At school, it just made other girls hate me (so I was very lonely and isolated, deeply unhappy)and at home it lead to what I can only describe as 'unwanted attention'from the occassional uncle (iyswim) The upshot was, that I began to pile on the weight and really let myself go, it was the only way I could protect myself as I felt that I had made myself invisible.

I still struggle with my weight now and would love to do something about it, but it's so hard. I have two very beautiful aughters and I do tell them that they are beautiful as i feel that it's still important. I see lots of beautiful women around who seem very comfortable and at ease with there looks, just wish I could be more like them!!

sorry, that was a bit of a rant!

Socci · 26/09/2005 17:56

Message withdrawn

SueW · 26/09/2005 18:13

jacobsmummy you should stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself through the eyes of someone who truly loves you. See what they see, how beautiful you are to them because of the love that exists between you. Do this regularly (every day, twice a day, ten times a day if you need to) and remind yourself how wonderful you are.

Passionflower · 26/09/2005 18:37

Never stop telling them they're beautiful! My mum is a terrific mum, but she wasn't into praising our looks. It is the one thing I have made a conscious decision to do differently from her because I had a very low opinion of my own looks as a teen.

I often remind my DD's that you have to be beautiful on the inside as well though - and use the ugly step-sisters in cinderella and the evil queen in snow white as examples.

3PRINCESSES · 26/09/2005 19:04

I think frannyf makes a good point. Mentioning it too often may lead to it becoming a bit of a value judgement. As she grows up lots of people will be drawn to her because she's beautiful, but maybe she needs to know that she's more than 'just' a pretty face. Also, there might be a tiny danger that she would end up feeling just a little bit superior to those less beautiful than her??
It's difficult because I know that overwhelming feeling of admiration for what you've produced... I think, spidermama, that you've been very sensitive and and perceptive to pick up on the fact that you might need to ease off these compliments for a while.

FairyMum · 26/09/2005 19:16

I tell my children they are beautiful all the time. It's not something I think about or can help...it just comes out because they are so yummie-looking I can't imagine a time when I will stop. I can't remember being told I was beautiful. My parents were not that expressive. I am very expressive with mine and constantly kiss and cuddle and tell them I might eat them all up as they are so yummie. My dd is 7 and gets embarrassed, but I think it's just pretend-embarrassed and anyway, I can't possibly stop it.

VickiB · 27/09/2005 21:13

Never stop telling them! My mum still tells me and i'm in my 30's!!! After a while you know that when your mum says it she means the you are beautiful to HER but its still nice to hear :-)

crazydazy · 27/09/2005 21:20

My mum never told me and I wasn't very confident but I have a younger sister (12 years younger) and I used to tell her she was beautiful when she was little and she grew up very confident.

I tell my kids they are beautiful every day, cos they are!!!

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