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When to stop telling your daughter she's beautiful.

86 replies

spidermama · 26/09/2005 10:31

I tell my daughter she's beautiful all the time. She really is. I tell her because when I look at her I'm often overcome by her beauty. My dh is the same.

I'm trying to say it less though because I've noticed her rolling her eyes when I say it and looking uncomfortable. It's as if it gets in the way of the ideas and personality she's trying to express.

Does that make sense to anyone?

OP posts:
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Caligula · 26/09/2005 10:33

No.

I can't ever imagine a time when I'll stop telling my dd she's beautiful.

Part of my job as a mother, is to embarrass and irritate her.

Carmenere · 26/09/2005 10:34

You should NEVER stop telling your daughter she is beautiful.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/09/2005 10:34

Makes complete sense. But I am never going to stop telling dd's how beautiful they are, nobody (as in parents other people have though) ever told me I was pretty, and I realise how sad it is now.
They'll go from the eye rolling to loving you for it when they are older you know.

LilacLotus · 26/09/2005 10:35

don't stop.

mancmum · 26/09/2005 10:36

total sense to me... I tell both my breath takingly stunning kids they are beautiful several times a day .... my DS loves it but can get a bit bashful and my DD just laughs...I try not to do it in public and am trying not to gush, but man, they just make me want to compliment them all the time as they are just so perfect... somone far more poetic than me said her kids were made of honey and glitter -- thought that was just so perfect... but guess once kids start to get uncomfortable about it, I will stop and just bore my DH to death about it...

turquoise · 26/09/2005 10:40

I read something about Marilyn Monroe once where she said nobody ever told her she was pretty/beautiful when she was growing up and she never really believed she was. I think it was more in relation to having a father to tell her, can't remember exactly, but I told xp and made sure he tells dd all the time how beautiful she is.
I do too of course, and tell ds he's handsome and wonderful etc etc etc.

trace2 · 26/09/2005 10:43

dont stop i tell ds all the time, the reply i get back is so are you mummy!

spidermama · 26/09/2005 10:47

Wait though ....
I'm not sure she enjoyes being made to be so aware of how she looks to others.

Her beauty makes her self-concious. She's only seven and she shouldn't need to feel so self concious.

When I tell her she looks really irritated, as if she's saying, 'So what. I know I know. I'm beautiful. Get over it.'

OP posts:
Toothache · 26/09/2005 10:56

How old is she Spidermama?

essbee · 26/09/2005 10:59

Message withdrawn

spidermama · 26/09/2005 11:00

She's 7 toothy.

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Toothache · 26/09/2005 11:01

Och I'd say you've got a few more years before she rrrrrreally cringes when you say that.

Jackstini · 26/09/2005 11:06

Try complimenting her either specifically - i.e 'that dress looks lovely on you' 'your hair is pretty today' or in some other aspect; 'you were very kind sharing with that little girl' 'I am proud of the picture you drew' etc. Maybe she is just used to hearing the same thing and something else might make a change?
(Never stop telling her now and again she is beautiful though!)

bee3 · 26/09/2005 11:07

Accepting compliments is hard, especially physical ones if you're feeling awkward, and it doesn't get easier as you grow older.

I have never found it easy to accept compliments, it's almost as if I always assume people are somehow 'taking the p&ss'.
I learnt a valuable lesson from a teacher friend of mine when I was in my 20s. She was the specialist Art teacher in a primary school, and I was a class teacher. Much of her work was around talking to childen about their artwork, extending ideas, discussion etc, and she was always positive and complimentary in a non-patronising way. She was also very hot on getting children to accept compliments, and used to say very plainly, "I really think that's a beautiful drawing", and if the child just sort of shrugged in an embarrassed way, she'd say "No, look at me, I'm just saying what I honestly think, now I'll say it again, and I'd like you to look me in the face and say 'thank you'. You can smile if you like, but you don't have to, that's all". It was always said gently and with great sincerity,and it worked miraculously well. All the children gradually got over the shyness of discussing what they thought was good, brilliant, could be improved etc, because they had experience and practise of saying it and listening to honest praise.

Sorry, that was a ramble....the point I'm trying to make is, I agree with the others that you shouldn't stop saying how beautiful she is, but could you also talk about how people give compliments, and how it can make you feel emabrrassed, but explain that all she has to do is feel good about it, no ties, nothing in return, except perhaps to say 'thankyou'.

I'm not sure I've explained that very well. It's a tough one.

bambi06 · 26/09/2005 11:10

i worked in a nursery once and there was a little girl who was beautiful and lovely natured as well and one day she came in with a sign around her neck saying"i am ugly" !!!!, she knew what it said as well and understood[she was 4] can you believe it. the father was hauled in to the office and asked what the hell he was thinking and his reply was that he didint want his daughter getting big headed about being beautiful , what an arrogant father he was as well . all children need to have their self esteem raised daily . can you believe some parents!!

spidermama · 26/09/2005 11:11

Good post bee. I have had life-long difficulty with taking compliments. Perhaps both dd and I need to work on it.

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WigWamBam · 26/09/2005 11:12

I won't ever stop - but if I find it's making dd embarrassed I'll try and find another way of doing it. My dd enjoys a rough and tumble and a tickle, so maybe I'll say someting like "Come here Gorgeous" as I grab her to tickle her. Or maybe "Goodnight Beautiful" and I put her to bed.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think that telling her she's beautiful all the time probably isn't necessary if it makes her uncomfortable, as long as you make sure she feels valued. Telling her that you love her, praising her, noticing the special things she does, making her feel that she matters are all just as important to self-esteem as being told she's beautiful - probably more so.

OldieMum · 26/09/2005 11:13

I think it's also important to tell your children, especially daughters, that they are clever.

SoupDragon · 26/09/2005 11:14

When she starts to look like a baboon's bottom? Which will, of course, be never. Especially in the eyes of a parent

I'm always calling DSs "gorgeous".

Caligula · 26/09/2005 11:15

Yes agree - maybe it would get irritating if that's the only thing you concentrated on - but "aren't you clever" "aren't you strong" "aren't you fast" as well, varies the praise a bit!

Caligula · 26/09/2005 11:16

bambi06 What a perfectly dreadful man.

spidermama · 26/09/2005 11:16

OMG bambi!
Scarey what some people deem to be good parenting.

At the risk of bragging, my dh is very good looking but there have been disadvantages as well as advantages. He can't seem to hold a normal conversation with some women because they go shy and can't look at him etc etc. He has often felt he is not taken seriously because people can't 'get past' his looks.

There's also a jealousy (I rememeber from school) of people (espcially girls) who are beautiful and an assumption that they are OK, never in need of help or friendship.

I actually think it can be really hard for people who are very beautiful but they'd never get any sympathy for this.

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flashingnose · 26/09/2005 11:17

bee3 that's a really useful post.

auntymandy · 26/09/2005 11:21

NEVER!!

auntymandy · 26/09/2005 11:22

Its important to keep telling them they are beatifu;l too much stress on thin girls etc!