When to stop telling your daughter she's beautiful.

[spidermama]

I tell my daughter she's beautiful all the time. She really is. I tell her because when I look at her I'm often overcome by her beauty. My dh is the same.

I'm trying to say it less though because I've noticed her rolling her eyes when I say it and looking uncomfortable. It's as if it gets in the way of the ideas and personality she's trying to express.

Does that make sense to anyone?

But that's my point auntymandy. I'm not sure it's such a good idea to focus on how they look at this tender age. My dd doesn't really care how she looks. She's more interested in being praised for what she does.

SM - a silly old goat I once knew springs to mind. When told about a friend of a friend who was going through depresssion, had lost her job and was afraid of being re-possessed, his contribution was: "What on earth has she got to worry about? She's a very good-looking woman!"

Well, yes, as we all know, a pretty face is a passport to happiness and an easy life. Doh!

Might ithelp to shift the praise to very specific things that she has done - 'That is such a beautiful painting. I really like the way you chose the colours for the sky and painted the clouds', and save the beautiful comments for more casual comments like, 'Ok, beautiful'?
I think Marilyn's self-esteem problems were more to do with being in care and sexually abused than not being told she was beautiful, tbh.
I tell ds that he is beautiful and handsome and kind and clever and lovely and that I love him all day but he's only just four and takes it all in his stride.

I do think they like to be told that they look nice too though.

My dd (3) is going through a phase of insisting on a "pretty dress" every day and doing her hair with something "pretty" in it. She preens around the place when I tell her she looks fabulous.

Spidermama, however she rolls her eyes and acts embarrassed when you tell her she's beautiful, I bet she'd hate it if you stopped!

Bambio. what an absolute a**e that man was!

this is really interesting, because in our family physical good looks are rather played down, and I wouldnt dream of telling my four, (extremely goodlooking!) children that they are beautiful. I am average, but dx is VERY good-looking, attractive to about 90% of all women and completely aware of it. He is too intelligent to be big-headed about it, which is part of his attraction.

I wouldnt tell them they are beautiful because I think it is more important that they are realistic about whatever looks they have got. Not being beautiful hasnt stopped me from being successful and enjoying life.

One child may end up being more beautiful than the others, or a child may be pretty as a child but grow up into an average or even ugly adult.
Therefore, I just think it isn't a good idea to teach them to value physical beauty.

Of course, I am hot on compliments! "that was very funny" "well done for getting that score in maths" "you look very neat and tidy, well done" "you did that beautifully" etc.

Oh I think you've got to keep telling them. I tell my children they are beautiful the whole time, and will keep doing so. After all, beautiful needn't only apply to their looks anyway - it could be referring to them as people - and in a world where 99% of people are going to knock you for what you look like, it's a mum's right to tell her children they're beautiful.

I too tell my DD she is beautiful. But I don't over-do it as I really don't want her value looks above all else. So I tell her more often what a good girl she is, how helpful and clever she is in an sort of attempt to place more emphasis on these attributes.
Having said that, I remember clearly when I was a teenager aksing my mum if I was pretty. She said no, but I was attractive. A back-handed compliment!! Typical of my mum. I was quite hurt by that as at the time I was very aware who were the pretty girls at school. She was right though, I'm not pretty.

My mum (bless her) was always telling me I was beautiful (sometimes in front of other people ) and it always used to make me think - 'You're bound to say that, you're my mother!!'

I tell my stunningly handsome ds's how lovely they are all the time. i think the worlds a v.nasty place and you have to make them feel special, no'one else will tell them they are beautiful. Until they meet Miss right! If i let them out!!!!!

I tend to agree with nightynight - I was always taught not to judge people on their appearance, and I was never told I was pretty or good-looking by my parents, or anyone else in the family - I think there's a general view that it encourages vanity.
However, I think it's important to instill self-confidence in children, and to praise them. To tell them they are beautiful is fine - esp. if they genuinely are- but it shouyld be tempered with other, possibly more constructive compliments.

how interesting to read people's view on this. bee, that's such a good post..I do tell my sons they are good looking, but pick out specific.features, like their thick blonde hair, so they know why I think they are good looking. . I wnat them to grow up feeling appreciated in so many ways, and know exactly why they are appreciated, not just a vague feeling that they are 'lovely'.

I think comments on my son's appearance should be matched by comments on their character and abilities - I agree that concentrating praise on .their looks is not the way to go. I hate the idea of my sons growing up to become vain men.

I remember in parenting classes we were told that vague praise is no good, because kids don't believe it - specific praise is the way forward, because it's provable.

sounds sensible advice to me - I always remember any specific praise I am given, long after I have forgotten vague words of praise.

I do tell my dds that they are beautiful, but I tend to say 'gorgeous' or 'lovely' or 'clever' or 'kind' or just 'I love you so much' more often.

dd1 told me 'you were sexy once mummy' the other day (she had learnt it from donkey in shrek)

What an interesting thread. In teaching talk it's called 'explicit praise', and I completely agree that any praise is more meaningful if you can be really clear about the specifics eg. "I know you really wanted me to listen to you straight away, but you waited for me to finish what I was doing.You're so patient," etc. This works brilliantly for most things - social skills, academic and physical achievement, and is far more helpful than blanket praise.

Praising beauty is more complicated. Is it really 'British' to worry about children being vain? I'm sure many people would feel uncomfortable at a child actually stating as fact "I'm really beautiful" (when they are not your child!). Or does age come into it, and it's cute in a toddler, but slightly offensive in an older child?

I tend to tell my ds that I think he's beautiful. I'll always remember what a Y3 child wrote when doing a 'tell me about yourself' piece at the beginning of a new school year. She said "My mum thinks I'm beautiful, I'm not sure, but I like it when she says it", which was good enough evidence for me!

Never!

If anyone is allowed to tell you you are beautiful it's mummy and daddy!

I tell my children daily.

bbe, that 3 year olds' comment is so cute!

When I tell my 3yr old she is beautiful and I love her she says "Thank-you mammy, so are you"

I?m not beautiful , I?m probably averagely pretty when I?ve got my makeup on, but my mum told me every time she saw me, how clever, beautiful and wonderful person I was right until the day she died. I tell ds1 all the time how handsome he is, he just rolls his eyes and sighs ?Oh mother? but he loves it really.

IMO I do not believe you can give a kid too many compliments, is that not part of our JD to instil confidence and self-esteem into our kids.

My Mum still tells me I'm beautiful (or words to that effect) and I still roll my eyes!

So no don't stop!