Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How can I punnish my daughter for her behaviour? Nothing seems to work.

89 replies

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 17:40

Hi, My daughter is nearly 6. She's just messed herself and I've had to clean her up as she refuses to do it herself and probubly couldn't anyway. She hates being cleaned.
She got really angry while I was cleaning her and I have a saw finger at the moment, it's swollen and red (possibly chilblaine?) anyway she said to me "Which is your poorly finger?" I showed her and she grabbed it and squeezed it really hard.

I put her in her room and told her to stay there for 5 minutes. I've just gone in and said "Are you ready to appologise? and she said no. I told her she could stay in there until she does and she said "good, I want to stay here".

What can I do when this kind of disapline dosn't work? She's just sooo stubborn it untrue.

Any ideas would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 18:16

bump

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 04/12/2010 18:19

What is she like with others outside the family?

Has she always been like this, or is it new behaviour?

Who else is in your family home? What is she like with them?

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 19:01

With others outside the family, she's lovely. She comes across as a real charmer. She's very confident and chatty.

It's me and her my husband (her Dad) at home. She's the same with her Dad but he's increadably soft with her. It's only me who really disaplins her.

OP posts:

ragged · 04/12/2010 19:03

Is it all down to Attention seeking? How much one-to-one time does she get with you, OP?

scurryfunge · 04/12/2010 19:05

Don't put her in her room -I guess there is plenty to do in there. Put her somewhere really boring, like the hallway.

What treats does she have normally -is she allowed to watch tv? Does she have any pocket money. You just have to find a sanction that does bother her. With my DS, it was enough to threaten to take his phone from him (he was older though).

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 19:06

She has appologised now, as I said she wouldn't have any pudding if she didn't. She kissed my finger too, which was sweet.

She's not like this that often but when she is, she's just so stubborn. She dosn't seem to mind time out at all. Maybe I should try something else.

OP posts:

FattyArbuckel · 04/12/2010 19:07

I would move away from a reward and punishment parenting method completely.

If you have been punishing her it sounds like you have taught her how to punish you back - thus the finger squeeze.

have a look here for a different approach

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 04/12/2010 19:07

She's messed herself? as in soiled herself? Is this something that happens a lot? Does she have additional needs?

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 19:07

Her room is too interesting for a time out....does it work any better if it's somewhere very boring?

Is it possible that she isn't capable of thinking though the consequences?

This is the sort of thing you really need to discuss with an ed pysch tbh.

What is she bothered about - favourite toys/treats?

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/12/2010 19:08

Take something off her that will bother her. DS is threatened with losing toys.

TBH if DS deliberately hurt me that that he would lose a lot of toys.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 19:09

She gets loads of one to one time with both of us. The strange thing is though, the more attention you give her, the more wound up and demanding she becomes. She tends to be calmer and happier when she's playing on her own.

OP posts:

thegrudge · 04/12/2010 19:10

Is her behaviour linked to frustration at not being able to master things such as toileting and the whole getting changed for ballet cruelty fiasco?

I would agree putting her in her room won't work if she has plenty to do in there.

FattyArbuckel · 04/12/2010 19:11

Try reading "Playful Parenting" so that time together is enjoyed more?

thisisyesterday · 04/12/2010 19:11

agree with fatty

also... i can't stand forced apologies

do youi think she apologise because she was sorry? or because she wanted pudding?

you can't bribe people to pretend their sorry. I think it's a really bad idea long term.

as for how i would deal with it, I would have basically finished cleaning her up and then did as you did and put her into her room to have a calm down. I would have pointed out that what she did was very, very unkind, that it hurt you, and that you don't feel like being around her if she wants to hurt you
she can come downstairs when she is ready to be nice

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 19:12

Perhaps it's an overload issues - she can't cope with all the attention. I think your way forward with her is to pay to get her better assessed and be given ideas of way forward with her.

If the soiling and wetting is still a big issue would it be better to just use pull ups/nappies. I think you need to pick your battles with her and the more input you have from experienced professionals about her issues the better armed you will be.

Did she have an assessment at the Meath School in the end?

flamingpants · 04/12/2010 19:12

What does she like to do? Can you give her 'credits' for good behaviour that rewards her and take them away for bad/uncaring behaviour. We use our old gambling disks which earns credit for television watching. One disk for 10 mins.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 19:13

I usually use the bathroom for time outs as it's the most boring room. I think because the incident happened in her room, I lost my temper and stormed out and shut the door on her. There wasn't much thought behind it this time.

Good idea about taking away a favorite toy. I think that would bother her more.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 19:14

If there is no feeling behind the words "sorry" than it's a wasted exercise If she prefers to be on her own sounds like time out is rewarding her for unacceptable behaviour!

CarGirl · 04/12/2010 19:15

I would try and work on rewarding her good behaviour/effort especially as she's had such a rough time at school recently.

FattyArbuckel · 04/12/2010 19:16

Why do you want to punish her?

You lost your temper and you want to punish her?

It does sound like you have a lot of anger towards her - maybe you could talk that side of things through with a counsellor?

TotalChaos · 04/12/2010 19:17

assuming your bathroom is where the loo is, I would avoid using the bathroom for time outs tbh due to the toileting issues - as you want her not to have any negative assocations with the bathroom, and part of retraining the bowel is likely to encourage her trying to produce a stool after mealtimes.

I can't remember if your DD has been referred to the local continence nurses, they could help with the messing issue in general.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 19:20

Her behaviour has got a lot worse at home since going in to year 1. I know she's not happy and has had to cope with a lot. The ballet thing was blooming cruel, I agree. I'm hoping things will settle down once she leaves.

She's never usually this bad, which is why I get flummoxed when I have to deal with this behavior.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 04/12/2010 19:20

fatty - dealing with regular soiling can be quite draining at times. on top of that having a child seem to deliberately injure you whilst you are cleaning them -well I am sure many parents would get cross.....

thisisyesterday · 04/12/2010 19:22

agree with going back to pull-ups if that would make it any easier for you/her?

i think when you are both calm then you need to talk about why it is not ok to hurt other people, and how when she does that it makes you feel very angry with her because it hurts and upsets you

remind her to use words when she is upset about something

i wonder if she would respond well to visual aids?
ds1 has real trouble with his temper and I got him to help me make a set of "signs" that I keep with me now.
One of them is a red circle with some hearts inside and when he is getting worked up I can show it to him and it reminds him to calm down
When he is shouting I show him the green card which mean "quiet voice"

when he gets wound up he won't listen anything people say... so the visual aids are an instant way of saying soemthing to him without actually having to talk

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 04/12/2010 19:24

Of corse I want to punnish/disapline her for her bad behaviour. How would she learn otherwise that it's not acceptable??

It's not as if I'm smacking her, it's a time out. I was smacked BTW and don't think any less of my mum for it. And I haven't turned into a violent person.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4