Out of control or is it me?

[TwoIfBySea]

We've just moved house, two weeks ago actually so most things are still in boxes.

That is not what is concerning me though.

For a while now my dts (nearly 9) have been acting out while I'm at work. To fill you in, after my dad died last year my mother moved in with us. Our relationship has never been as warm as between my dad and me but the understanding was if she moved in I could go to work.

So I now work 4 evenings a week - really enjoy my job and for the first time since my ex walked out on us I feel I'm actually doing something useful.

Every night I'm coming home from work now to find something has happened. I usually have a mess to clean up, the boys are still up (at near enough 11 pm) and I'm at a complete loss. They just simply don't listen. Even threats that they'll be sent to live with their dad causes tantrums but no change in behaviour.

I'm really struggling here, I don't know who to turn to. My mother is here as an adult while I'm away but she does nothing. Tonight I come home to find the kitchen floor covered in spilled juice, onbe up and still fully dressed. Then I find out that they took money from my purse and went on a sweetie buying spree at the local Sainsburys. Completely on their own.

I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. Everything I've worked for is disappearing and I'm fully expecting either the school or the police to end up becoming involved. I really don't know what to do. Maybe this is their way of showing me they prefer their dad (who doesn't see them out of his choice.). I'm losing it here.

tbh it sounds as though your mum isn't happy to be doing the childcare. have you asked her why things are such a mess and the dcs are still up at 11pm? can you afford to get a nanny? or a babysitter?

fwiw, i know you are struggling but i don't think threatening to send your dsc away for bad behaviour is the best thing to do.

sorry, i have just realised that tehy are 9 and went to sainsburys alone. where was your mum? why wasn't she with them? i don't think this arrangement is benefitting anyone at all.

Stop threatening to send them to their dad. It's a rejection even if you don't do it. They will feel unloved.

They are clearly showing you that your mother cannot look after them. You need alternative childcare or different hours.

I can't afford childcare. This was meant to be a solution to everything.

It wasn't so much a threat, if I'm failing though then for their own good wouldn't it be better. I don't know.

I can't afford childcare. This was meant to be a solution to everything.

It wasn't so much a threat, if I'm failing though then for their own good wouldn't it be better. I don't know.

I hope I'm not going to sound harsh here because I don't want to...

You've just moved, your house isn't straight yet and you've started a job, so 4 nights out of 5 you're not around after school, when I presume before that you were? Are they at the same school?
Whose idea was it to move? Was your mum okay with that?
And I'm assuming that you're now quite tired, so when you come home to uproar you aren't in a position to handle it perhaps as well as you might?
First off, stop threatening the boys with their dad. Even if you mean it, they're unsettled enough, they don't need to be threatened with being sent somewhere else.

You need to talk to your mum. What does she have to say about all this? Why isn't she watching them? Let alone clearing up and sorting stuff out. Is she working during the day?

Get the 'rules' worked out with your mum and then tell the boys how things are going to be. If they continue to misbehave, come up with realistic punishments that you can follow through - loss of TV and games, not sending them away.
Talk to them - they could be quite upset and muddled. Ask them what is wrong.

no, sending them to a parent that chooses not to see them is not going to be better for them.

is it possible for you to find work during the day? that way you can use a CM and will be entitled to the childcare element of WTC if you work over 16 hours.

just because your mum is free, doesn't mean she is a good childcarer. which has been proven by their sainsburys shopping jaunt. has she explained how that happened?

Their dad doesn't want them and they know it. It would not be good for them to be sent, to where they are unwanted, and I think you know that too.

you sound at the end of your tether but your mum is clearly not coping and they will be delinquent unless an effective adult can be there for them. This person is not your mum.

agree with colditz.

you need to take control of this and not let it be something that is happening to you.

do you think your mum is capable? if so then you need to sit down with her and tell her what you expect of her and whether she agrees to this.

if not you need to arrange alternative, competent childcare.

WRT the dcs, you need to set house rules and a list of expected behaviours. also, consequences for bad behaviour. you need to follow through with teh consequences and very importantly, so does the person you chose to leave thme with.

Did you make it really clear to your mum that she was moving in so she could look after dcs? What work are you doing in the evening that can't be done in school hours?

Your mother clearly isn't providing childcare, in fact it sounds as though she's doing less than nothing. Is she contributing to the household costs? Perhaps if she doesn't want to do the childcare herself then she would be willing to contribute to the cost of someone competent coming in and seeing to the twins between school and bedtime. I would also definitely look for a different job that can be done in school hours - if at all possible you need to be there for your boys.