Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What to tell my 7 year old daughter who's not invited

71 replies

Calmness · 21/09/2010 20:53

My daughter is the only girl in her class that hasn't been invited to the popular girls party and is really upset about it. What do I say to her? She convinced she isn't liked and shes lovely!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 21/09/2010 20:56

Can you take her to the cinema instead?

I don't know what I'd say. I hate parties though.

QS · 21/09/2010 20:56

To be honest, I would tell the teacher, because they need to make parents aware of any birthday policies. Such as not inviting all but one child, etc.

Then I would phone up the parents and ask them why your daughter is the only girl not invited. But I accept that this is not what most people would do.

zandy · 21/09/2010 20:58

Tell her its just as well, because you just happened to have bought tickets to the cinema/booked a meal (or whatever) for that night, and if she had a party to go to your money would have been wasted. Lucky break!

Good luck with it.

ParadiseRegained · 21/09/2010 20:58

If I was in this situation...
I'd sit her down and say that perhaps if she went she wouldn't have such a wonderful time, and that even if she wanted to go she couldn't as you have planned something for that day;
bowling/cinema/eating out or something else a treat, perhaps if she has a friend outside of school or a cousin etc they could do it together? Don't let on she is missing out, do the same for all distraught children...distract them ! Best of luck :)

HeftyNorks · 21/09/2010 20:59

It's hard isn't it? DS never gets invited anywhere. Is it possible that the Mum has asked her DD for a list of the girls in the class and the DD has forgotten your DD? Or is it a more blatent "you're not coming to my party" thing.

youknowmeasharimo · 21/09/2010 21:00

I would def. take her on a treat.. but I would also phone the parents and ask why they feel it's acceptable to leave ONE child out.

And, I would organise the biggest, best party for her next birthday and not invite the child. But, perhaps that is just spiteful. I haven't had to deal with that yet.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/09/2010 21:02

I would do what others have said - pretend you already had something else booked that day and that she wouldn't have been able to go. Then I would score the other ignorant cowmother off my Christmas card list, give her the cold shoulder whenever our paths crossed and put a curse on their village. Children at that age do need their parents to remind them about basic manners - parties included.

ANTagony · 21/09/2010 21:05

Are you sure she's the only one?

Its just that at my sons old school he had a birthday party and I discretely handed out invites to 12 of his friends + siblings from a class of 28.

A few days later I was cornered by a mum who went from anger to tears that her son was the only one not invited and she knew he could be a handful etc etc. I explained that he hadn't been singled out but there where 24 boys in the class (poor teachers) and I couldn't fit all in my house. We arranged for them to come and play as part of a group another day.

I'm hoping that this is the case.

vegasmum · 21/09/2010 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ramonaquimby · 21/09/2010 22:04

really? you'd speak to the teacher about birthday policies? or call up the parent?

is sad harsh thing to go through for a 7 year old, but some people are just , well , mean.

Original poster

Calmness · 21/09/2010 22:41

Thanks all for your replies. I had thought we would take her out somewhere special but wouldn't have thought about talking to her teacher and will think about discussing it with her Mum, but there's is part of me that doesn't want her to know my daughter is bothered!

OP posts:

lisalisa · 21/09/2010 22:46

No I think the teacher does need to know. That is just ill mannered and disgraceful - inviting everyone and leavin one child out. What on earth are they thinking of? Agree to plan something special and take dd out on your own. Also an idea maybe to boost her confidence post this party to invite a few small groups of friends from teh class round just so dd feels her place is secure still.

cat64 · 21/09/2010 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

veritythebrave · 21/09/2010 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QS · 21/09/2010 23:06

My sons old school had a birthday policy.

If you invited only the girls/boys, then you could not leave out just one or two. Same thing if you invited the entire class, you could not leave out just a few. It was a sort of "all or half" policy.

piscesmoon · 21/09/2010 23:07

If I was your DD I would be terribly embarrasssed if my mother made a fuss or mentioned it to anyone. I would do something special with her. I agree with cat64-the madness of whole class parties has a lot to answer for- and causes all the problems. If you have a sensible number from the start you don't get the problems. I'm sure that you didn't have this huge fuss about parties years ago.

EvilTwins · 21/09/2010 23:12

Why on earth would you talk to the teacher? What does it have to do with her? Seriously - teachers have an awful lot more important things to do than get involved with petty "you're not coming to my party" type spats.

It sounds harsh, but I think that this is up to you to sort. So she hasn't been invited - OK - I'm sure she has other friends. I would take this as an opportunity to explain that not everyone is best friends with everyone, and that this is perfectly OK. I've had to have this conversation with my 4yr old DTDs this afternoon - the girl they previously referred to as their "best friend" is having a late 4th birthday party (they're all at school) and my girls haven't been invited. This is because the other mother and I are no longer friends (long story to do with hair cutting several months ago...) I am certainly not going to take it up with the teacher (FFS) or the mother despite the fact that all their other friends have been invited. I reminded my DTDs of the other parties they've been to, distracted them by talking about how they would be seeing another couple of friends after school tomorrow, and left it at that.

I'm afraid I'm of the opinion that there are no rules for inviting kids to parties, and neither should there be.

pippop1 · 21/09/2010 23:24

I might talk to the teacher just to check that there was no special reason as to why your DD wasn't invited to the party.

I don't expect there is, but it would be a genuine reason to ask the teacher about th "omission".

For example if someone's child was v smelly, had been very mean to someone or something else the party giver might not want to invite them.

As a parent I think it's a reasonable question to ask the teacher as she/he might find it a good opportunity to bring something up that might be easily sorted.

EvilTwins · 21/09/2010 23:26

I am flabergasted that so many of you think that talking to the teacher is an appropriate course of action.

Seriously - why? It's bugger all to do with her.

Anenome · 21/09/2010 23:26

I think it's ok to have a word with the Mum...a woman in my DD's class asked about the same sort of thing with her DD when she was not invited to a party.

Turns out she was invited...invitation had simply been left out of the pile...check...especially if th class is large..

Just say "Oh can I ask...DD is a bit bothered...she says she's the only one not invited to your DDs party...I just wanted to check if she'd got that right?"

Then if it turns out the ommission was deliberate...well who cared what the cow thinks of you for asking!

I would also make sure I bitched about it to other MOthers...ALL Mums know the heartache this can cause....I can't bellieve it's deliberate.

If it IS deliberate you could tell DD that some people are afraid of others...because they fear they are better thn them...and that's why shes not invited...the other girl is jealous of her.

QS · 21/09/2010 23:33

If ONE child in class is not invited to a birthday party, it IS a school issue in my book. It may be indicative of a problem in class that the teacher is not yet aware of, or a problem the parent have not been informed about. It could be a bullying issue. The teacher may have to monitor the class more closely and assist in building friendships.

NotanOtter · 21/09/2010 23:37

i would be surprised if it is just the one tbh -kids can get things out of proportion

my ds is 7 and he is a bit pie in the sky but he would have no idea who was/was not invited to anyones do

i would do....er nothing!

I would tell DD of course she is not the only one not going and end of story

i would not make a fuss

piscesmoon · 21/09/2010 23:37

I am glad that a lot of you were not my mother! I would want the floor to swallow me if you made such a big thing about it-it would be unbearable.

lingle · 22/09/2010 10:01

agree with piscesmoon. My mother handled our relative unpopularity in exactly the way some people are suggesting - made a big thing about it - and thus made it worse. She taught us to be needy and resentful if we were not included. Needless to say, this did not win us any more friends.

I'm not unsympathetic. My son has one or two friends in reception, but today I had to see the teacher handing out invitations at the door but pulling back when it got to us. It was hard for me, really hard. I wanted to cry. I still do.

If you have concerns about your daughter's friendship skills or social isolation, it's ok to ask the teacher about that I think. But you will make a fool of yourself if you speak to the other mother and long term you will damage your daughter's popularity. What on earth are the people urging you to speak to the mother thinking you will achieve? That she will feel humiliated and ashamed? That she will feel she has treated you badly?

Anyway, am going to start another thread on strategies.....

Again · 22/09/2010 10:20

What were the invitations for lingle?

Flip

1 2 3