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Original poster

What to tell my 7 year old daughter who's not invited

71 replies

Calmness · 21/09/2010 20:53

My daughter is the only girl in her class that hasn't been invited to the popular girls party and is really upset about it. What do I say to her? She convinced she isn't liked and shes lovely!

OP posts:

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ChippingIn · 23/09/2010 13:05

I would check it wasn't a mistake. The Mum will probably either be mortified she's missed one out, or the invitation will be found under a pile of coats in the cloakroom! If it was deliberate, at least then you'll know and can ask why... if you want to - but I'd put money on it being a mistake.

EvilTwins · 23/09/2010 17:07

Pagwatch - "Unless I am supposed to accept that in general the teachers of our children have no pastoral interest in their charges at all"

No, I don't think that teachers should have no pastoral interest in their charges, but I don't think this interest should extend to who is being invited to whose party. I teach, though it's secondary, not primary, and I genuinely don't care who socialises with whom outside school. If there are problems in the classroom, as a result of social issues outside of school, then I deal with the in-school issues. But the OP has not said anything to suggest that her DD is being bullied or left out. I would hope that the teacher is already aware of such a situation if it's happening in school.

As a mother, I deal with issues like this by talking to my children myself, not by contacting their teacher and expecting her to deal with it. I have no problem with children learning early on that not everyone is best friends with everyone, and that they shouldn't expect to be invited to every party going.

BudaisintheZONE · 23/09/2010 17:21

EvilTwins - I sort of get what you are saying but these are SEVEN year olds. And ONE child has not been invited. ONE. Are you really saying that if your form group or whatever had something similar going on that you would let them get on with it? Say you have a mixed group of 20. 19 are going to a party. ONE student is left out. You wouldn't want to know?

EvilTwins · 23/09/2010 17:25

No, I really wouldn't want to know. And if any of them wanted to talk to me about it, I would listen, but wouldn't get involved. I really don't see it as anything to do with me. If there were open nastiness or bullying during tutor time or in one of my lessons, then I'd deal with it, but only then.

In the same way, if my own children were upset that they hadn't been invited to a party, and were under the impression that everyone else had been, I'd deal with it at home. It wouldn't even occur to me to involve their school.

Strix · 23/09/2010 17:30

I'd have a big party the day before and invite everyone except the girl who didn't invite her.

I'm kidding of course. But I would probably tell my 7 year old that these things happen and if she is upset I would also tell her that she is prefectly entitled to air that view to the girl at school.

A bit different but there was once a girl at school who just wasn't very nice to DD. So I told DD that she did not have to be that girl's friend and should hang out with kids who are nice to her.

thaliablogs · 23/09/2010 20:39

I just want to know what calmness decided to do and if her DD was really the only one not invited or if it just felt like that...

defyingravity · 23/09/2010 20:54

I'm very glad that you don't teach my children eviltwins.

My husband is a teacher, in secondary and HE. He would definately want to know if he had a pastoral role (which a class teacher inprimary does.)

rabbitstew · 23/09/2010 21:05

Is this a very small class? I'm just wondering how on earth your dd knows she is the only girl not invited? Did she go around the class checking with everyone, or speak to the girl whose party it is and ask her directly????? Or is she actually just assuming she's the only girl not invited, because she's the only one out of her little group of friends not to be invited? In which case, is the girl in question supposed to be one of her group of specific friends, or just another girl in the class who has no obligation to invite people to her party just because they are friends with each other rather than with her?

My approach to things like this in life has always been to try not to look for the worst possible interpretation as my first option. Unless the girl has gone out of her way to let your dd know she is the only person not invited to her party, it is far more likely that: she is one of several not to be invited; or she is supposed to have been invited and the girl would be very upset to realise the invitation hadn't ended up in the right place.

It is, of course, always possible the girl had a limit on numbers she could invite which corresponded exactly to the number of girls in the class minus one, your dd has been singled out as her least favourite person and she's too greedy to invite fewer people than she's allowed just because your dd might be upset if she found out. If there was no deliberate advertising of this fact, then yes, it's still exceptionally insensitive and hurtful, but that's life. If she's like that, she's really not a person worth getting to know in the first place, so no great loss in the big scheme of things for your dd not to be invited to her party. I would only be truly upset if it were a deliberate and calculated snub (although it would again be evidence of her unsuitability as a friend, as nobody worth knowing would ever behave like that in the first place)...

piscesmoon · 23/09/2010 21:10

I would hope that Calmness has asked her DD and taken the lead from her.
I, like rabbitstew, wonder how she knows she is the only girl? I find that my DS's 'everyone' very rarely is everyone.

pagwatch · 23/09/2010 21:34

I kind of get what you are saying Evil but I think your slightly sneery

"As a mother, I deal with issues like this by talking to my children myself, not by contacting their teacher and expecting her to deal with it."

suggest that either you are not understanding me or are just being obtuse.

I will go with us misunderstanding each other

I haven't suggested that the teacher be asked to sort it out. Nor have I suggested that I wouldn't discuss it with my child before mentioning it to the teacher.

I said that I would talk to the teacher about my child being the only one of a whole class of girls left from an invitation as a means of checking whether this was a bigger issue or just a friendship group thing

The latter is not a problem. The former may be. But if parent and teacher are not speaking about it then a bigger issue may be missed.
Problems are not neat little extracts from a daytime drama - they can be hard to spot and may consist of a few red flags which don't imediately get spotted

The OP didn't suggest it was bullying but the whole point of her op is that her DD was left out. And that could be a whole host of issues - bullying was just one suggestion.

So whilst I know on AIBU we could enjoy 'sensible parents deal with themselves vs wimpy ponces bothering busy teachers' I think that as a parent saying
'look DD isn't invited to this. Can you just tell me if there are any reasons why I should be concerned that there is an underlying issue. Are you aware of anything? No? Great - bye'
Or maybe even 'are you aware of anything going on'
'well actually .....'

It isn'tthat crushingly burdensome for tecaher is it? Nor an abdication of parenting.

EvilTwins · 23/09/2010 21:34

defyingravity - I do have a pastoral role, as I have a tutor group. But my interest in them extends as far as it needs to in order to fulfill my role appropriately, and I have a really lovely relationship with my tutees. But I maintain that their weekend social lives, unless it begins to have implications in the classroom, is not my concern. Can you imagine, seriously, how much of a teacher's time would be taken with this if every parent and every child expected the school to get involved with this kind of thing - not just party invitations, but children falling out, then, in secondary, boyfriends and girlfriends making up and breaking up, the occasional drunken night out, bitchy teenage girls telling each other that they hate each other. It would never end.

pagwatch · 23/09/2010 21:37

pisces
yes. They can be prone to nuclear problems can't they?

" I wasn't allowed to eat my lunch"
"Really, you weren't allowed"
"No"
" are you sure that you just didn't take so long that you were told it was time to finish? You couldn't possibly have been sitting with Georgia and chatting so much you forgot to eat? You're sure that you weren't allowed?"

" well a bit maybe not allowed and some talking as well... a bit... maybe ..."

EvilTwins · 23/09/2010 21:39

pag - I didn't intend to be sneery, and actually what you say is pretty sensible - the "are you aware of any issues..." thing makes perfect sense. My initial response to this thread was because of the number of people who immediately jumped in with "tell the teacher", "the school should have a party policy", stuff, implying that the school should be dealing with this kind of thing as a matter of course, which kind of is abdicating responsibility as a parent.

Hulababy · 23/09/2010 21:44

I work in a Y1 class and I know that both myself and the class teacher would not be at being asked such a question, esp if it was coming from a parent concerned that their child might be having difficulties with another pupil. I would keep an eye out in case of anything we'd not seen before.

I hate to see invites being handed out openly in front of everyone unless all in the class are invited, or all the girls/boys. Snall parties are great, fine - but invites should be dishesd out discreetly.

I also don't think it is a teacher's job to hand out party invites. Parents should do it.

pagwatch · 23/09/2010 21:53

Lol at Evils 'Party Policy'

Actually there should be a party policy! Compulsory hats and no crap in the bags....And red jelly. Other colours are wrong.

EvilTwins · 23/09/2010 21:55

Definitely red jelly. And hats. 4 yr old DTD2 asked me today why there hadn't been hats at her party in July. And made me promise there would be hats next year.

pagwatch · 23/09/2010 21:57

Evil - I should fess up that I was a bit snappy about it. Sorry
Ds1 had red flags that we inititially missed. Some kids were swerving him because of his brothers SN. DS1 was trying to hide it from us. When we sat with the teacher we figured it between us.
So I have a thing for red flags

expatinscotland · 23/09/2010 21:57

Tell her the girl's a snarky little bitch she doesn't want to know anyway and the popular girl always ends up some major loser everyone knows that, just like the girl everyone thinks is ugly and then she winds up a model like Jacinda Barrett :o.

[runs and ducks]

pagwatch · 23/09/2010 21:57

and red jelly

dikkertjedap · 23/09/2010 22:03

DD's school forgot several times to put invitations in all childrens' book bags, so I would definitely check both with teacher (whether all children except your ds were invited) and with mom of child involved (just in case invitations has gone missing).

dikkertjedap · 23/09/2010 22:04

sorry - meant dd instead of your ds

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