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Original poster

What to tell my 7 year old daughter who's not invited

71 replies

Calmness · 21/09/2010 20:53

My daughter is the only girl in her class that hasn't been invited to the popular girls party and is really upset about it. What do I say to her? She convinced she isn't liked and shes lovely!

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lingle · 22/09/2010 10:25

it was a classmate's party at softplay. he'd have loved it! luckily, he didn't recognise the notepaper.

a bit insensitive of teacher I think, but I'll get over it!

Again · 22/09/2010 10:29

I don't understand why a teacher is getting involved in handing out invitations. I would have refused unless the whole class was invited

lingle · 22/09/2010 10:41

lol yes I think it was an error of judgment on teacher's part.

she knows how hard I have worked to overcome DS2's special needs. My work is acknowledged and admired by the foundation staff (the admiration is mutual - he was in the school nursery for two years and we all pulled together and worked hard).

So she probably thinks I've got a really thick skin and obviously doesn't know about my childhood.

Actually, more probably, she thinks about doing her job and doesn't think about me at all!

I must try to do likewise!

defyingravity · 22/09/2010 10:46

I would have a discreet word with the teacher if one child out of a whole class was excluded. It could be part of a wider ssue and who is to say that child isn;t being excluded from other things too.

I am not a fan of policies on parties, I beleive you shoudl be able to invite who you like within reason but to just exclude 1 child is either a mistake on behalf of the parent who accidentally missed them off the list or deliberatly cruel in which case the teacher needs to knw.

We are encouraged to let the teacher know about any incident that upsets the child at home or elsewhere that may affect how they are at school.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 22/09/2010 10:59

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to talk to the teacher, just as one would mention anything else that might be affecting a child's general wellbeing. Ds had a BIG falling out with a small group of boys outside of school and the teacher was grateful for the heads up.

Oldjolyon · 22/09/2010 13:34

Personally, I probably wouldn't say anything to the teacher, or the other mum...but my DD is unlikely to be bothered by not being invited to a party.

DD knows full well, that when she has her parties, she has a maximum number of people she is allowed to invite (usually no more than half the girls in her class) and she has to choose which girls she plays with the most. she knows full well, that it doesn't mean that she likes the girls who do not get the invite any less, just that I can't afford to invite everyone so she has to choose.

Therefore, when she is not invited to parties, we explain the same thing - that mummies can't afford to pay for every child to come, and so the birthday child just has to choose a few of their friends to go. Thankfully, to date she has not been excluded by any of her best friends, so she is not bothered when other children do not invite her, because they are not usually her closest friends iyswim!

I've never made a big deal out of such things, and almost gone the other way, so now DD doesn't expect invites (apart from close friends) and was once asked if she was going to Xs party, to which she replied "No, why would X invite me, I don't play with her"

My brainwashing is working.... Grin

pagwatch · 22/09/2010 13:43

to be honest I think the 'bloody hell - why would you talk to a teacher about a birthday party' posts are a bit wide of the point

Of course I would never advocate speaking to a teacher if a child did not get a party invite

But if it is actually true that only one girl out of a class of presumeably more than 10 girls was not invited then I would suggest talking to the teacher. Not in terms of 'poor DD - wtf' but in terms of 'is this just one of those things or is it my first red flag that DD is struggling at school - with friendships, isolation, social skills or even bullying.

Of course a teacher isn't there to sort out a child feeling put out but that presupposes that that is the issue

If it is a warning shot about more serious issues then I am not sure what is more important for the teacher to be involved with

pagwatch · 22/09/2010 13:45

agree oldjolyon - my DD loves psrties but she totally gets that numbers and closer friendships may mean she isn't on the list. No biggy

aegeansky · 22/09/2010 13:53

hello Calmness, what a horrible situation for your dd. This kind of thing does happen, and it is very hard to stomach.

BUT I would NOT phone up and involve the teacher. The school is entirely irrelevant in this and it will seem slightly bonkers to do so. I wouldn't even phone the parents, unless you want to make the situation possibly even worse.

It is an opportunity to tell your dd that she is still a lovely person who is likeable, but maybe the other person hasn't got to know her properly yet.

It may happen again - it's quite normal to an extent - as parties become more exclusive when the children are slightly older - not uncommon for dcs friends to just invite 2 or 3 others now. so if your focus is on how to deal with the feelings, rather than preventing the circumstances that bring them about, you will probably be doing dd a big favour. It's still Sad for her, though.

ParadiseRegained · 22/09/2010 18:36

Yeah I'd be careful, after reading the other posts, if the mother of the little madam finds out, and quizzes her daughter, the last thing you want is for it to be brought up in the playground and your daughter further humiliated-this time at the cost of the entire guest list...

BudaisintheZONE · 22/09/2010 18:43

Another vote for involving the teacher I'm afraid. One child not invited out of whole class is not on and the teacher needs to be aware of it. Nobody is saying that the teacher needs to make sure that the DD is invited but she does need to be aware of what is going on.

My DS's school DOES have a policy. They will happily hand out invites but ONLY if whole class involved or all of the boys or all of the girls. Otherwise parents are asked to be discreet.

lal123 · 22/09/2010 18:54

I'm with the "what on earth does it have to do with the school who is invited to parties?" brigade. But I agree that the teacher should not be handing out invites unless all kids are invited.

Are you sure it's not just a mistake?

If it's not a mistake and your DD hasn't been invited then yes it's hard for her, but life isn't fair and not everyone can afford to invite all the class (or all hte girls/boys) to a party.

defyingravity · 22/09/2010 19:14

Of course not everyone can afford to invite all classmates, we certainly can't. But we would never dream of inviting 9 out of 10 girls or even 7 out of 8 or 19 out of 20.

It would be more like 5 out of 10 or 4/5 out of 8 or 12/13 out of 20.

This IS a school issue if a child is being excluded to that extent.

EvilTwins · 22/09/2010 19:31

It is NOT a school issue. Why do so many think that school has to be involved in an out of school social event???? If this was a school disco or something, then fine, but teachers should NOT be bothered with this kind of thing. What on earth do you expect them to do about it? Intervene? Contact the other parent on your behalf? Teachers are employed to teach your children, not to be their social secretaries or manage their relationships out of school If a child is being bullied or excluded within the classroom and/or playground, then yes, but a party is out of school hours, and therefore, IMO, out of school judisdiction.

Put yourself in the other position - how would you feel if a teacher approached you and asked you to revise your DC's party list. Be honest - would you, or would you not think "keep your nose out"...

EvilTwins · 22/09/2010 19:31

jurisdiction. Sorry.

piscesmoon · 22/09/2010 19:40

I think that teachers should stay well out of it and not get involved. I had small parties and I would not be agreeable to being bullied into having larger ones on the grounds of fairness.
If one child is being left out deliberately that would be bullying, but it wouldn't be a one off there would be other things going on so attention could be drawn to it.
I think that it is a problem with some parents-they can't stand the thought that their DC isn't a madly popular DC! I wasn't madly popular as a DC and I wouldn't have wanted to be! I had a nice little circle of friends.My DSs are not madly popular, but they are secure in their circle of friends. The worst thing would have been a mother who wanted me to be a social success-luckily she just let me do my own thing without engineering parties/friendships.

defyingravity · 22/09/2010 19:57

It IS a school issue. It is very unlikely that this would just happen as a one off. There is a large chance that this girl is being excluded or even bullied at school if this is happening outside of school.

It is not to do with not being popular but just 1 girl not invited out of a whole class - this is going to be part of a wide issue.

defyingravity · 22/09/2010 19:59

No-one os saying the teacher should intervent in the part invitations - but they shoudl be on the look-out for similar things happening within school becasue unless this is a mistake - this will be happening.

A friend recently had to remove her child from the year above my dd at school due to similar issues. Her dd was being bullied both inside and outside of school and delibertaly excluded.

Poor child.

KirstyJC · 22/09/2010 20:12

Are you sure she is the only one left out? I bet not all the others have been invited.

DS1 has just given out invitations for his party, and he chose who to invite - but he didn't invite all his class, just those he plays with and those from older / younger years he plays with too. I am sure he missed some of his friends out but it's tough as he has filled all the seats now!

I have no idea who all the children in his class are as they all changed not invited some of his class. I would be shocked if anyone spoke to the teacher though - not every child plays with every other child and why should they invite people they don't know well to their party? At 7 he is old enough to decide who he wants.

Not saying I don't feel for your DD though - she must feel awful Sad. Is it possible she's exaggerating and others aren't going either? (Just the sort of thing DS would say). Is she close friends with the girl whose party it is? If not then I can see why she hasn't been invited.

Hope she feels better soon.

piscesmoon · 22/09/2010 20:12

If it is an issue of bullying then it should be brought to the attention of the school. OP hasn't given any other incidence. All I know is that I would have hated my mother to make a fuss over a party invitation. (It would be OK if it was more than that but OP hasn't said so.)

jonicomelately · 22/09/2010 20:13

Just ask the teacher to keep an eye on your dd as she is upset she hasn't been invited to a party. That way you can raise the issue without seeming needy. More than one way to skin a rabbit Smile

BudaisintheZONE · 22/09/2010 21:51

I must be lucky with my DS's school. I know the teachers would want to know if this happened to one of their students.

Everyone knows that sometimes people have big parties and sometimes small. Often people get left out. But to not invite ONE out of whole class is mean and downright nasty. There is NO excuse in my book.

pagwatch · 23/09/2010 11:08

EvilTwins
I can't agree with anything you say.
Unless I am supposed to accept that in general the teachers of our children have no pastoral interest in their charges at all.

You seem to think that teachers in general should have no information about anything that occurs outside of the school gate. Really?
What if ,( to pick a completely random example) the invited girls turned out to be sending horrible facebook messages in the evening - that would not be information the teacher would have interest in at all?

How are the teachers supposed to have any sense of underlying tensions within the class, or of potential bullying if parents are to assume that if it doesn't happen upon school property then the teacher does not give a shit

defyingravity · 23/09/2010 11:29

I totally agree Pagwatch which is why I chose a school with a caring ethos where the teachers are concerned at things that go on outside of school.

Rebeccash · 23/09/2010 12:55

Another one saying check it was not a mistake. I thought we had invited all the boys to my ds party last year. A few weeks after a biy came up and spoke to my ds I said whose that and it turns out it was the one boy in his class he had forgotten! I felt so bad, I did speak to his mum (when I found out who she was) but it must have been upsetting for him at the time.