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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD wants a sister. What should we do?

54 replies

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 11:47

Our Little girl who's 3.8 desperately wants a sister, or a brother for that matter. As long as she can be a big sister I don't think she'd mind too much.

She'd be a lovely sister and I know that sometimes she gets lonely. The problem is financially it would be completely irresponsible. I am quite broody for the first time since having her actually, but I can't see how we could do it.

Some people just say, you'll make it work because you'll have to, but I don't know if that's good advice or not.

Anyone else having the same dilema?

Could really do with some advice.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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FloraFinching · 05/09/2010 11:54

do YOU and your partner want a baby?

I wouldn't make any important decisions based on the opinion of a nearly four year old.

scurryfunge · 05/09/2010 11:56

Would you buy her a pony, if she asked? .

It is down to you and your partner.

PortraitOfAnApology · 05/09/2010 11:57

every 4 year old wants a baby sibling.

Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 11:58

I think if we were more financially set then yes we would probably go ahead and do it. She has a lot of energy(understatement) and I really think a brother or sister would help her and make her understand more about sharing and the fact that she can't always come first. At the moment she can come across as quite spoilt which I don't like.

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scurryfunge · 05/09/2010 12:00

If she is acting spoilt then a sibling won't necessarily assist that.

You'd be wanting a child for the sake of the first born....not a healthy attitude.

Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 12:08

I'm quite shocked at the response so far actually. I thought more people would be saying that a sibling would be healthy.

It's interesting to hear though. DD ISN'T spoilt oberall, but she can be very demanding and I think that's because she get's most of our attention at the moment. If we were to have another baby she would obviously be getting less attention.

Does that make any sense?

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Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 12:09

Typo-overall

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Marquez · 05/09/2010 12:13

My ds wants a train. A real one, not a toy.

Hate it when people make important life decisions based on the opinions of their kids. Abdicating responsibility onto someone who has no idea what the decision really means. Your current children have no say over your reproduction.

She's not going to be the one carrying it, labouring with it, feeding it, not sleeping with it is she?

PixieOnaLeaf · 05/09/2010 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 05/09/2010 12:17

if you don't want another child, don't have another child. You cannot have another baby on the whim of a four year old, who may decide that babies are horrible in your 7th month of pregnacy!

She doesn't need a sibling, she needs to have people round for tea.

PortraitOfAnApology · 05/09/2010 12:19

Learning to share doesn't come solely from siblings. It is learned by mimicking behaviours seen around you. EG you wait your turn for a swing or to pay at the shops. You can take turns while playing a game with her.

Having another child may have a negative effect on any behaviours. My 2 eldest can be lovely individually but they do not get along at all.

DilysPrice · 05/09/2010 12:22

There is no evidence whatsoever that siblings are necessary or healthier for a child's social development (and I speak as a parent of two DC, so this isn't defensiveness). A lot of little girls want a baby sibling, but that's not a good enough in itself to bring a child into the world.

There may be other good reasons to have another child of course.

You could always read the appalling Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush, if you want a counterbalancing view of the effect siblings have on a firstborn.

Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 12:26

But as I said before, we would want another baby if we were more secure. If I had no interest in having another then it really wouldn't be an issue. She would just have to deal with it. So it's not so much that i'm listening to a 4 year old. I'm listening to all our needs.

She does struggle to make friends, which is the other issue. She's very over the top and tends to literally jump straight in there and hold hands etc. Most children aren't comfortable with that.

It's heartbreaking really.

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BaggedandTagged · 05/09/2010 12:28

The other thing to consider is the age gap. If she's 3.8 now, so she could quite realistically be 5 by the time the baby is born.

I know some siblings are close despite significant age gaps, but when baby is 3, DD will be 8. Will they really spend that much time together? More likely, you'll spend your life brokering compromise.

Not that that's a reason not to have another child if YOU really want one, but I think you have to appreciate that your DD has no real concept of what a baby is going to mean on a day to day basis- it's just a fun abstract concept to her.

pointydog · 05/09/2010 12:35

I think you really want another child and it would probably make things a bit clearer if you stopped focusing on your dd wanting a sister.

This dilemma is all yours, not your dd's.

Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 12:37

I was really expecting this thread to be more balanced. I suppose if it were though I would be still stuck in the middle.

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Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 12:39

I don't think i'm focusing it JUST on her. It really is about all 3 of us. I was just wondering if anyone agreed with the 'making it work' idea. Regardless of money to an extent anyway.

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pointydog · 05/09/2010 12:43

You need to think about your finances, not your dd.

Marquez · 05/09/2010 12:44

I don't see that having a sister would help your dd socialise- won't be capable of much playing with other children for a good while anyway.

Your dd will learn how to play with othen children in good time, she's so young. No-one's born knowing how to socialise!

If you want another baby, go for it

Giddyup · 05/09/2010 12:44

I think it is your wording; your OP did not say how much you want a baby, but how much your daughter wants you to have one.

If you had posted about your own wish I am sure you would have different answers ( it would have been a totally different post after all!)

Only you know what the financial implications would be for your family. For some not being able to afford another baby means no more holidays abroad for a few years, or having to get 2nd hand baby equipment. For others it means not being able to feed and clothe youselves.

Marquez · 05/09/2010 12:45

Although obviously finances are a consideration. Are things likely to pick up soon? Could you wait another 1-2 years to start trying?

spiritmum · 05/09/2010 12:53

Suzi, I will be the countebalancing voice yo want.

I am an only child and whilst I loved it I also struggled to make friends. I was often told I was 'selfish' and 'spoilt' but it wasn't until I saw 'Child of Our Time' with Robert Winston that I had a real lightbulb moment. There was a little girl on there who had just started school and who was struggling to make friends, and RW explained that because she had no siblings she didn't understand the rules about compromise that kids with siblings do. And I suddenly realised that was what I was like as a child and even a teenager - I couldn't understand why my friends didn't always want to watch my tv programme, play my game and go where I wanted to go because I was used to a world in which I always chose and never had to accomodate someone else's preferences.

I now have three dc and I do think it is good for them to have each other. But I had the dc because I wanted to, not because I thought I 'had' to. I have friends who have chosen to have one child and obviously that is just as valid.

I do agree with people who say that you will find a way to make it work if you want to, but equally you can only plan to have another baby because you and your dp really, really want to. Good grief, I can remember wanting to get pg after dd1 and it was a physical need, like a hunger, my whole body was in overdrive until I got pg.

Oh, and I read the Two Socks book and it bore no resemblance to our lives whatsoever, I found going from 1 to 2 a breeze. And I do know people who struggled, and I know families where the siblings loathe each other.

So really, if you want another child or not just has to be your choice. You cannot predict what relationship your dd would have to another child. If you want another child then do it; if you don't, you can the pitfalls of being an only child by making sure they see lots of friends and the friends get to choose what to do sometimes.

Hope that helps a bit.

Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 13:09

Spiritmum, thanks very much for that. I feel as though i've had a mini therapy session.........for free!

That actually has helped a lot. I was starting to think that I was a terrible mother for a while then. I suppose my po wasn't as clear as I thought it was.

Thanks again.

You should start charing. :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzithefloozy · 05/09/2010 13:09

Charging even

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loulou33 · 05/09/2010 13:52

The beneftis we believe come from having sibs do not always come to fruition. DS1 is a bright, lively boy and always has been 'needy' of adult attention. we thought a sib would help with that and the other issues of sharing etc.[we had another child because we wanted one not just because of this reason obviously]. He is far better at these things but I think being at nursery acheived a lot of this, not his sib. However, he loves his brother and is adorable with him 90% of the time which is far better than I could have hoped for!! I guess I'm saying that siblings are not the only route to a sharing, patient child, often the reverse is true for the first year until baby starts to do things which amuse their sib. DS1 fought hard to keep up the level of attention he was used when DS2 arrived. I personally believe that the ways she is with friends will not necessarily change with a sibling but more opportunities for time with friends in controlled way will help ie short play dates with patient friend at your house to 'teach' her to be more chilled. DS1 was just the same btw and I worried he would be ostracised at school. He has learnt over time to be more patient and less intense with others...

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