DD wants a sister. What should we do?

[Suzithefloozy]

Our Little girl who's 3.8 desperately wants a sister, or a brother for that matter. As long as she can be a big sister I don't think she'd mind too much.

She'd be a lovely sister and I know that sometimes she gets lonely. The problem is financially it would be completely irresponsible. I am quite broody for the first time since having her actually, but I can't see how we could do it.

Some people just say, you'll make it work because you'll have to, but I don't know if that's good advice or not.

Anyone else having the same dilema?

Could really do with some advice.

I have tye same isssues, my dd has always begged us for another baby and gets terribly lonely, I really dont like the thought of her being an only child because i cant imagine not having my sisters but we just couldnt really afford it. we are just getting ourselves settled with an reasonable income after years of uncertaintly with redundancies etc and to have a baby now and lose my income again feels irresponsible, I also dont want to 'just manage' I want to b able to give my child/children my best in this dreadfully competative world

I can second that littlemisslost. That's another reason I really wanted another baby actually. Me and my sister are really close, best friends really and can't imagine being an only child.

Oh it's so difficult, but as you say, you want the best for your child and realistically that includes money. Like it or not.

She probably jumps straight in because she is desperate for company with children her own age.

A lot of only children are spoilt because parents can give them all the time they want and extra toys, etc as they only have one child.

Where you thinking about having another baby before she asked?

My DD wants a sister. We have told her no. She was asked years ago and didn't want one. Too late now.

I am very pleased that I have more than one child and, knowing what it is like to have siblings, would hate to have grown up without them. I also appreciate their interest and support now that I am an adult. However, you are not ruining your daughter's life not to have any more children - I suspect she will grow up a slightly different person if she neither has the company of siblings nor the requirement to compete with them, but that doesn't mean she will grow up in any way a worse person. And as you say yourself, in some ways she will end up better off.

In my experience, most only children are intensely interested in what it is like to have siblings, but I haven't met many only children who don't see that there were advantages as well as disadvantages to being an only child (provided their parents worked hard at making up for the lack of permanent childish company in the home!). The only real problem I have seen with some of my only-child friends is that sometimes their parents have continued a rather intense, over-interested relationship with their child way beyond the point when they should have given their children a bit more freedom to set up their own independent lives(including one unmarried friend who still feels obliged to phone her parents every other night and return home to her parents every other weekend, despite this ruining several relationships. She feels guilty that they devoted so much of their lives to her and now have nothing better to do than wait for her to come and visit... Perhaps this attitude would be easier to bare if shared with a sibling or two!!!!). So in other words, the main potential negatives can be removed by the right sort of parenting!

(or easier to bear...)

I don't think letting a small chiild decide on family planning is ever a clever idea!!
My dd wants a dragon!

I have one child. She is not lonely. She has many many friends. I think it is an odd concept to have another child "for company" for the first.

If you WANT another child, have one. Don't look to your first for an excuse to or not to.

Certainly wasn't looking for an excuse. If it was that simple this thread wouldn't have been posted.

Thanks to all the advice. Rabbitstew, that really helped actually. Good way of looking at it. Thank you. :)

Thank you. It's nice to feel appreciated!

Whatever you decide, I think it would be a mistake to expect your dd to become less demanding if you gave her a sibling. Ime it is normal for children to become more demanding when a baby is born, and as for longterm- a high maintenance person will probably be high maintenance whether they're alone or surrounded by siblings. There is also no guarantee that she would actually like her new sister or brother. So make your decision about something else.

My DD1 (almost 3) has got a younger sister (who is 1 this week) but it hasn't stopped her asking for a 'new baby Mummy, DD2 is too big, she is a little girl now not a baby'. She would like a boy baby and for us to call it Rusty!

I have to explain to her that it doesn't work like that.

I think having another child is up to you and your DP. What if you do have a DC2 and they then want a younger sibling when they get to 3.8? I do agree with some of the other posters in that it is a bit of a phase... my daughter's requests are prompted by the pregnancies of two of her friend's mothers.

Also agree with Colditz. What your daughter is too young to realise is that a baby is not an instant fix to a lack of playmate. They are little for a long time, take up lots of parental attention and are rubbish at playing complicated imaginative games! I have a 23 month gap and my girls are only just starting to play together occcasionally and it takes a lot of my input and an awful lot of patience/goodwill from DD1.

I think it's perfectly fine and responsible/reasonable to consider finances when considering another child.

I am not considering a second dc at the moment and the biggest reason for this is financial. If DH and or I start earning a lot more or once we move to a bigger place (currently in a 1 bed with a 2 year old!!) if we feel we will be able to afford another dc, we may consider it. But at this point in time, no. Money isn't everything, but a little bit is definitely necessary for ensuring opportunities. DH and I work very hard and will continue to do so. If we end up in a situation where we feel financially secure for 2, we will go ahead and have another baby. Until then, nope.

Spiritmum - feel I have to counterpoint the Robert Winston reference that only children can't make friends or share/compromise.

I have a 5yo DD who is very popular at school. She makes friends easily, is generous, can compromise without a problem and happily shares all of her toys/chocolate/books/whatever. She is more 'socialised' than many other children with one or more siblings, older or younger. She is also very articulate with an amazing vocabulary. I knew this anyway, but her teacher emphasised all of this in DD's school report at the end of her first year at school. She is an only and always will be. The whole 'only child = spoilt child' annoys me. All the really selfish children I know have siblings.

And OP - having another child because your DD wants a sister/brother is one of the worst reasons I've heard for having a baby.

Callisto, I wasn't saying that only children ar espoilt children (I can remember how much that hurt as a child ). But I di ddefinitely get a moment of realisation when I saw the lovely Prof. It wasn't that I was spoilt, or selfish, or always got my own way. It was that there was never any reason for me not to do whatever I wanted because there was no other child around to consider.

I can remember meetng my dh when we were very young, and being shocked that he would take the last piece of cake or biscuit without asking, whereas I would sit there looking at it but never take it because it is 'rude and selfish'. He grew up with two brothers, two step sisters and a step brother and you took what you could get or go without.

So it's not abour sharing, or selflessness, or being spoilt or sociable. I wasn't spoilt and I was sociable. It's hard to put my finge ron t but it's just an awareness, a way of mucking in and getting on...and I'd never had to have it. And I do seea difference in my dc and in how I was.

or maybe it was just me?

Your daughter sounds charming.

My DS is now 5.5 and has been asking for a sibling constantly for the last 2 years...and Im now 5 months pregnant with DS2! It was not a decision we took lightly-ours was not for financial reasons but because I had severe pnd with DS and he was premature and I couldn't face putting myself through that away. But when DS was asked last christmas at school if there was anything special he'd like Santa to bring him and he replied "a brother like all my friends have" we decided that to bite the bullet and try for another baby.

I am an only child and although I had a nice childhood it was incredibly lonely and deep down I always wanted 2 children it was only all the stuff that went on after DS's birth that had put me off for so long.

DS2 is due just after christmas and I can honestly say the day we told DS1 and the day he came to the scan to find out whether it was a brother or sister were one of the happiest of my life so far...to see the complete and utter joy on his face was unbelieveable.

I'm glad you posted this ihearttc actually. Like I said before I was quite shocked at the initial reaction I got when I started this thread. I thought it was a very common question that many parents are faced with and that a lot are given that final push because of there first child's 'need' for a sibling.

It sounds like a happy ending for you anyway.:)

I was an only child and was genuinely very happy, was not lonely and had lots of friends. My parents both worked fulltime so my relationship with them was not intense as I only really saw them properly in the weekends. However, as adults we are now admittedly very close.

Every child's experience of growing up with or without siblings is different.

But this is not about siblings really, is it OP, but the effect of a 2nd child (which you want) on your finances. You need to sit down with your bank statements and look at what you currently earn, what savings you have, what you are currently managing to put aside for your pension etc. Then you need to factor in future costs of future earnings, promotions, childcare costs and costs incurred when children go to school (uniforms, trips, books, bags, holiday care) etc etc.

In other words, you need to look into your finances properly for now and for the future. Could you ask any people with two children how much their children actually "cost them"?

How old are you Suzi? Just because small age gaps between siblings are the norm, doesn't mean that you have to decide this now, or that a bigger age gap doesn't work. I am almost 12 years older than my brother and I have a very close relationship with him, despite the fact we didn't "grown up together" in the way that traditional siblings do.

"Every child's experience of growing up with or without siblings is different."

Absolutely true Orissiah.

Suzi, I notice you say you have a sister you are very close to. However, not everyone is close to their siblings (I'm not, in fact we did not even get on as children ). There is evidence all over MN of people who don't get on with their siblings.

So, please don't assume that having another child will give your DD a best friend like you are to your sister. They might get on fabulously - or they might have very little in common and actually avoid each other's company.

Op, ds1 begged for a brother. now he's got one, he is the best big brother ever.
but if your eldest child has any behavioural 'issues' , (and by that, i don't mean serious things, just normal, i mean that everyones child does, either they are too this or too thta, or can't share, or whatever,) then you need to deal with that as an issue in itself. Mn has loads of great threads to help you with this. come on over and let people help.
the issue of another child is down to you.

most of the mn threads tell you to never let money dominate the decision to have another child.
you don't even know for sure if you can conceive. just becasue you've had one, doesn't mean anything. and how long will it take? could be pg tomorrow. could take years.
we all have money issues. but you know what. we all manage.
NEVER WAIT
And NEVER let money dominate the decision.

tell that to somone like poor Icelandic, who now can't have children.

when you do have another child. her sibling rivalry will probbaly be with avengeance and she will probaly tell you to send her/him back. probabay. is not uncommon.

Bramshott, are you actually asking my age or was that meant in a sort of "grow up!" way?

These are all just opinions aren't they?

So tell us about your financial situation and we can tell you whether "you'll just make it work" is reasonable.