Friend and I want to use the same name

[GoldenNuggets08]

So my friend and I are due the same time. She will more than likely give birth first, elective section so will be brought in before 39 weeks.

Here's the thing. Myself and OH have agreed on a name for our baby. It is a family name in memory of someone close to us and has been used for a few generations.

This is a name I know is on my friends shortlist, although she hasn't fully decided what she'll call her baby until it's born. How do I deal with this situation?

I know nobody owns a name but I also think this is a situation where we both can't use the same name as they will be so close in age.

I’m not sure you can. I think all you can do is tell your friend that you’re decided on X name; and see if she mentions that it’s already on her shortlist. At least that way she knows.

It may not bother her, so you may end up with the same name, but if you’re set on it, that’s a risk you’ll have to take. You have the option of having a back up name, incase she does use yours, but you don’t have the option of telling her she can’t use it.

You use the name you want and she uses the name she wants. If your babies both end up having the same name, so what?

Does she know you've had the name picked out for ages? If not, you might want to tell her so she's forewarned. But it seems odd for you to know what's on her shortlist if she doesn't know what you've chosen.

Your only choice is what you call your own baby. What someone else goes with is out of your hands.

I would just tell her that you are absolutely set on the name for your baby. If she mentions it’s on her list just say “oh how cute that they could both have the same name” which subtly lets her know that regardless of if she uses it, you will be using it too.

Then it’s up to her.

xx

I know it's on her shortlist. She knows its on my shortlist. I'm just not sure how high up on her list it is! And she doesn't know that we have fully decided on it! We have it picked a while now but I still didn't want to say it's "thee name" just incase we (or my indecisive DH) did change our mind.

No I definitely wouldn't tell her she couldn't use it. I suppose I could just say we've picked a name. It's so awkward.

Mention that one of her shortlist names is the name you've decided on, laugh about it, then both choose whatever name you like. Nobody has more right to a name choice.

Love this idea thank you!

I would let her know that you are going to definitely use the name and obviously if she still wants to, that is her choice! You will find loads of other babies have the same name and you often find 2 or 3 with the same name in a class together. You just don't want her to think that you deliberately copied her.

Thing is OP, you don't have 'first dibs' on this name, just because you have a family connection to it. You and your DF are both perfectly entitled to call your DC whatever you want to call them. So if you think she'll go first, you'll just have to wait and see what she calls her DC - anything else would be unreasonable. And you and your DH need to decide whether you'll go with the name you've already picked out, if she chooses that name for her DC, or whether you'll have a back-up name (maybe with that name as the middle name).

FTIW, this happened to me. We had a name picked out for DC2 and then local friend had a DC before us and went for that name. Many years later and we live in different countries, but actually the name we chose for our DC2 suits him much better than the name we would've given him! In fact, I can't imagine him called that name at all.

You both can use the same name; I might say something like 'It wouldn't bother me if the kids have the same name, but because it's on your shortlist and just in case it would upset you, please know that we will be calling our baby X for reasons of family history.'

Stick to your guns; it's not long before children / families can start to go separate ways and things like this be less important.

You might have to put up with a general idea of being a copycat once the babies arrive, so you might want to start saying you have a family name you've decided on to mutual acquaintances (if it is a reasonable time in conversation to say this I mean).

Just use it.

if you both use it, the children will probably think it's great. Plus they might well have different nicknames.

Who's to say you'll still be friends with this person even in a year? Tell her you've decided on it but obviously use it regardless if it's what you want.

Just to be clear, there is no way I am telling her not to use the name, and I most definitely do not think we have more of a right to the name than she does. I was just giving some background!

We will be using the name regardless of what she uses. I think I should mention it to her as I don't want to fall out with her if she'd be annoyed if they did end up with the same name. I don't know if she'd be annoyed about it or not.

I think I'll do as PP suggested, let her know we've chosen the name in every normal conversational way, and if she says she's thinking of the same name, let her know that wouldn't bother me! Take it from there then!

Thanks all! I actually hate the naming process. Between getting my DH to agree, and then worrying about other people, it's so hard 😅

We've been friends for about 20 years, I would like to think we'll be friends going forward 😅 the children won't be in the same school though.

Why can't you both have the same name? The world won't end

These threads always baffle me. It’s an absolute non-issue.

I have two friends whose DDs were due within 6 weeks of each other. They both loved the same name and both agreed to use it with no fallout from either party. The children were very close and liked having the same name and their friends called them by their first name and surname initial. Even now they are adults my DD still refers to Mary D and Mary L ( not their real names). It's really no big issue.

Of course you can use the same name.

I guarantee that once the two children are in nursery/school they will either have a classmate with the same name as them, or if not then two classmates of the same name. Having the same name as a friend is absolutely no big deal. Does your friend know you are absolutely settled on that name? Make sure she knows you're using it even if she chooses it, and crack on. You do know that 90% of the time you'll both actually address your children as "sweetheart", "darling", "pickle", "munchkin", "sausage" etc and will very rarely use their actual name.

Tell her now. Phrase it that you're using the name, and you've no issues at all with them having the same name, won't it be so cute! That way she can choose to avoid if it would bother her for them to have the same name. There's a chance she assumes you won't use it if she does and when emotions are high she might a bit upset. Get it all cleared before the babies come.

If you pick the name, announce it to mutuals like "baby Jane, named for my granny. And so lucky to have a ready made playmate in Jane Smith!" just to head off any raised eyebrows.

I have cousins with pretty much the same name one a slightly longer version, there has never been an issue
use the name you want

Why would you say "how cute they'll have the same name" if you donr actually think that. It gives the impression you would actually like them.to have the same name
Cpuld you just say you wanted to let her know that you are pretty sure you are going to use the name "x" .. and as its on her list too you wanted her to know.

@GoldenNuggets08 In that case I would just say, "Just to let you know, friend, we've now settled on our name choice. I know it's one that is on your shortlist as well. It doesn't bother me if our babies end up having the same name but if it bothers you I can let you know what we've chosen."

Thanks guys. This has been very helpful.

Might be an "non issue" to some, but I most definitely know of people who think it would be absolutely awful to name then the same name so that's why I was worried!

Thanks for the helpful comments!

Totally normal to wonder about it OP.

These people who cannot see how it could become an issue are in the minority. I'm glad you are going to take the advice to casually mention the name you have decided on, then the balls in her court if it bothers her or not.

This - and if you think they will be too close to have the same name you will have to pick another x

I feel for you when I was pregnant I had my heart set on our names and I would have been gutted if someone else got in there first!