Friend and I want to use the same name

[GoldenNuggets08]

So my friend and I are due the same time. She will more than likely give birth first, elective section so will be brought in before 39 weeks.

Here's the thing. Myself and OH have agreed on a name for our baby. It is a family name in memory of someone close to us and has been used for a few generations.

This is a name I know is on my friends shortlist, although she hasn't fully decided what she'll call her baby until it's born. How do I deal with this situation?

I know nobody owns a name but I also think this is a situation where we both can't use the same name as they will be so close in age.

Also just because your children will be close when small they may not always be when they are older so it’ll be less of a problem c

It doesn't need to be awkward, just tell her you & DH are 95% sure of the name you're going to use as you like it & you want to bring it back into the family tree. Youre 88% sure it's going to be 'Betty'

then she can take that into consideration when choosing her baby's name. If you both still use it, it'll be ok, but hopefully she'll decide she prefers 'Doris'

Don't say it would be cute or you'd be happy with the same name🙄🙄. You can't stop her using it, but no need to give her the big green light either.

Just tell her you’ve settled on the name and your DC will be Dorothy Rose and known as Dottie for for day to day. And that it’s in memory of your great grandmother.

Then she can do what she wants in the knowledge that your children may have the same names.

I’d also make sure all my mutual close friends knew so that they didn’t think I was the copycat.

I think in your circumstances you'd be wise to say to her you've decided on a name and you're aware it's on her shortlist. Make it clear that it doesn't bother you at all if they pick the same name, you just wanted to let her know so she can decide whether she still wants to use it, as you'd definitely be using it regardless as it's a family name.

Chances are, as they are considering other names anyway, she'll opt for something else on their list (and will probably appreciate knowing in advance that your child will he called that, so she can avoid them ending up with the same name. If she does still use it, you'll know that it doesn't matter to her either that your children have the same name.

Lots of children have the same name as a friend, by pure chance as they meet when they're older. I'm sure your children will actually love sharing a name, if indeed they do end up with the same name.

I think you'd only have a problem if you either tried to dictate she doesn't use it because you want to (which I appreciate you say you're not going to do), or if you chose not to tell her you've chosen that name for definite and she picks it, only for you to use the same name weeks later. That could blindside her as she may feel like you've copied, or could be annoyed you didn't give her the heads up before to give her the opportunity to choose something else on her list if she's not keen on the idea of them having the same name.

I think a heads up is needed. Then the ball is completely in her court.

Yes, came here to say this

We thought it was the most exciting thing ever to meet the two Emmas who were Best Friends, or to be one of the two cousin Olivias, or to have our poor teachers forced to say not Rose B. I meant Rose C.

Children don't mind this as at all, and adults should know that you'll eventually meet people with the same name as you, so why should anyone care?

If you make the slightest suggestion that your friend shouldn't choose the name she wants, you open the door for her to say the same right back to you, and you could really mess up a moment when you need each other's help and support and affection.

Honestly depending on the name it's more than likely there will be multiple of them in the world, maybe even in their class or immediate friendship circle. Wouldn't not choose a name because someone else close by has it, in a few years time this just won't feel as big as it does right now.

I totally understand there will be multiple of them, I'm not trying to find a super unique name.

You can't choose the names of children my children will go to school with or who they will meet in the future so I find that argument somewhat irrelevant. But my friend and I can consciously make a decision whether or not we will name our children the same name! It won't bother me, so after reading the comments here I think it's best to just let her know so she can decide whether or not it'll bother her!

in a few years time this just won't feel as big as it does right now.

@notanarchaeologist this is very true and a good way to look at it. Thank you!

It only is if you make it so. I had this with my friend. I was due first and actually used another name as it fitted the baby better. She used the name. If I have another baby it fitted better, I would still use it.

Used to be part of a very close group of 4 friends. We all had baby boys born around the same time. 2 of the boys had the same name - it wasn't an issue....

My friend had a baby 2 months before me, we both chose the same name. I had chosen this name before I knew what my friend intended to call her baby. Never occurred to me to alter my choice. My DD is now an adult and I am no longer in touch with my friend from years ago. Choose the name you like doesn't matter what your friend calls her child

I wouldn't tell her the name I've picked.
It immediately then becomes a forbidden fruit.
She might not choose it from her list.
But - as is human nature - as soon as you say you're using it, she'll want to use it.
Wait it out and see.
You can use the same name in any case.
A friend went and asked my permission for using the same name. I told her not to be so daft. It made no difference to me whatsoever and was quite sweet they shared it.

Firstly I'm presuming you've spoken to her about this but don't see any problem anyway.

Is it Ava? (Or maybe Isla?) Because go ahead. Every kid in the UK is called a variation of this. So no dramas. They’ll be 6 others in your class. Minimum. Including the teacher and TA probably…

Neither of these names. I've already said I know there is a chance there'll be other people in their class with the same name, that doesn't bother me, is unavoidable and out of my hands! I just didn't want there to be bad blood between us as she will be having her baby first.

I've spoken to her - all sorted!

If your good friend uses the name, I think you need to pick another name. Babies are named in order of birth. Once a name has been used by your inner circle, it would
be very strange to use it again for the same generation. It would be even more odd to use it for a child almost the same exact age.

if I was your friend and you copied my child’s name, I would be irked. Probably not enough to destroy the friendship, but it would strain things.

And this is exactly why I wanted to have the conversation beforehand! Because I didn't want her feeling like this and it causing a strain. Lots of people would be unbothered but lots would be annoyed and I didn't know which side she would be on.

I would quickly book an induction so that you can get in first!

Seriously, I am glad you spoke to her and sorted it out.

It's not awkward, just be a grown up and say what you've said on here

"If your good friend uses the name, I think you need to pick another name. Babies are named in order of birth. Once a name has been used by your inner circle, it would
be very strange to use it again for the same generation."

Oh give over 🤣 "inner circle" Just tell her, "we're pretty much decided on calling him Paul"

Totally agree with Littleme2023

"I would just tell her that you are absolutely set on the name for your baby. If she mentions it’s on her list just say “oh how cute that they could both have the same name” which subtly lets her know that regardless of if she uses it, you will be using it too.

Then it’s up to her."

This happened to me, we both chose the same name. When I told my friend, he didn't say anything, but they called their child that, and so did I. No problems.

We have friends whose daughter has the same name.
We didn’t discuss names and neither us knew what we were having. I had my daughter first and named her. Our friends didn’t say anything at the time, a month they also had a girl and named her the same.

It didn’t bother us, it was a special name to them and I didn’t know - whether they said something sooner I may have changed my daughters name I don’t know. 15 years on no problems.

Just tell her that you've decided on the name "James" and then it is upto her to decide if she wants to name her baby that.

There are 3 Kian's and 2 Rian's in my child's class at school, everyone knows which one is which and nothing bad has happened yet. Honestly, you'll be fine. Presumably your friend is aware of the 'dilemma' you're in? Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't waste time on worrying about silly things.