Would you honour your MIL and not your own mum?

[Samzzz]

I have two other children and all of their middle names are honour names and would like the same for our third and last child. I am now thinking of using my MIL’s name as a middle name for this baby. But do you think it’s weird not acknowledging my own mum? I am very close to my mum now but growing up we had a very complex relationship due to her own issues and I wasn’t in her care for the majority of my childhood. Even though we are close now it doesn’t feel right to name my child after her due to the complexities.
My MIL is now in her mid 70’s and this will be her 6th and final grandchild and the only one that will be named after her. I know it would mean the absolute world to her and she is a very hands on and involved grandmother to all the children.
Am I over thinking it regarding my own mum? Should I let her know before I announce the baby’s name?
Thoughts would be appreciated, thanks.

Can you use both names? So 2 middle names?

Who do your other kids names honour?

I think there’s a good chance your mum will be hurt, and it will upset your current relationship with her. As a previous poster suggested, maybe use Mil and mum’s names. Can you say what the names are?

Their great grandparents from both mine and DP family. However we have used them all as our other two children have two middle names.

No, not weird at all. Both are Granny to your DC, who really won't care if it's maternal or paternal line.

Just use the one you like better

Use both names.

I don't see a problem. She may be slightly miffed but it can't be a surprise to her you aren't wanting to name a child for her. I don't think she needs advance warning particularly, either.

"Please welcome baby Matilda Louise, born 31/08/24, weighing Xlbs Xoz. Big brother Thomas and big sister Olivia are very excited..."

As the others have two middle names, then you could honour your mum and mil. I don’t think it would be worth the risk of upsetting your own mum to honour your mil.

I wouldn’t want to use my mum’s name, that’s the problem. It wouldn’t feel right and would also be a bit of a slap in the face to my dad and that side of my family who brought me up. So I would either use my MIL’s name or just pick something else that doesn’t hold a connection as that’s the only name left. My MIL is ‘Tess’ and my own mum is ‘Susanne’

Could you use a female version of your dad’s name?

Your mum failed you when you needed her. She’s bloody lucky there’s a relationship at all - if she kicks off or tries to make you feel guilty, cut her off.

I think it's fine. You don't get to be a shit mum and let your kids down and then expect them to kowtow to you in later life. If she has a shred of self-reflection, she must recognise that she did a pretty poor job as a parent and that others are dearer to you as a result.

Reversing the sexes, it's a bit like the "men are equally important parents" or "he's the father, of course he should get a say in his baby's name" bollocks you see on some threads where the likelihood of the parent in question ever turning up or even paying for their kid is minuscule.

Why should we pussyfoot around the sensibilities of crap parents, whether men or women, and try to pretend that they matter?

You were unfortunate enough to have one duff parent who let you down growing up and I fail to see why, added to that burden, you should also have to pretend that she means more to you than she actually does just to preserve the niceties.

Give your child a name that makes you smile when you write it down on forms because it reminds you of someone wonderful.

Those saying just use both names so your mum isn't upset are completely ignoring the fact OP clearly states she doesn't want to use her mum's name.

OP, you absolutely shouldn't use a name which makes you uncomfortable just to appease someone else or avoid upsetting someone. That totally goes against the idea of using a name to honour someone.

In your circumstances, it sounds like it absolutely should be your MIL's name which is used, and I'm sure she'll be touched. Do you have any thoughts on what the other middle name will be, assuming you will use two again? Just a thought, could the other name be your own? If it works and you want to, that is. That could sort of be a nod to your mum, by using the name she chose for you, without explicitly naming your child after her, which is a honour it sounds like she doesn't deserve based on the past.

You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty or need to explain to her why you're not using her name. The reasoning should be pretty obvious to her and, even if she is a bit hurt, she'd have no right to outwardly show it or hold it against you as it sounds like she only has herself to blame for why you don't wish to use her name.

I guess it’s not so bad if your other DC are named after great grandparents rather than having 3 DC named after 3 grandparents and one parent left out. I suppose you could plausibly tell your DM that she isn’t named after your MIL, you just love the name.

Could you not reframe it as your partner honouring his mum?

I think it's fine

Why should we pussyfoot around the sensibilities of crap parents, whether men or women, and try to pretend that they matter?
Like @GoFigure235 says it's not your fault that she was a shit mom so use the mils name and feel no guilt whatsoever

Don't announce the middle name or only the second one?

How is mum going to know unless else sees the birth certificate?

It's fine. Reality is reality and your mum should feel honoured enough that she's in your life despite the past she created. Lovely for you MIL.

Why don’t you use your name or your middle name as well as your MIL’s.

I have considered this but didn’t know if it seemed a bit odd using MIL and also my name? If I decided to do that then her middle names would be ‘Tess Louise’. But for example my son has both great grandads and my daughter has both great grandmothers for middle names. If that makes sense? But I’m probably over thinking it.

Yes we would most definitely do this. Even though he is a typical man and doesn’t think too deeply into names 😂

I don’t see any problem with just using mil’s name.
She is just as closely related to your kids as your mum is and your dh should have just as much say as you when it comes to naming them.

Just call her after your MIL. There's no need to pussyfoot around it.

There's no way I'd have used my mum's name for either of my daughter's middle names. My daughter used her paternal grandmother's name for her DD, which pleased me greatly, because my MIL was a truly wonderful woman and a wonderful grandmother. My own Mum (who was a very difficult person) knew, but didn't turn a hair at MIL's name being used and not hers.

Tess Louise are an adorable pair of middle names. Just think if it as one name from your dh’s side and one middle name from your side. And it’s kind of acknowledging your mum in that (I’m assuming) she chose your name.