Would you honour your MIL and not your own mum?

[Samzzz]

I have two other children and all of their middle names are honour names and would like the same for our third and last child. I am now thinking of using my MIL’s name as a middle name for this baby. But do you think it’s weird not acknowledging my own mum? I am very close to my mum now but growing up we had a very complex relationship due to her own issues and I wasn’t in her care for the majority of my childhood. Even though we are close now it doesn’t feel right to name my child after her due to the complexities.
My MIL is now in her mid 70’s and this will be her 6th and final grandchild and the only one that will be named after her. I know it would mean the absolute world to her and she is a very hands on and involved grandmother to all the children.
Am I over thinking it regarding my own mum? Should I let her know before I announce the baby’s name?
Thoughts would be appreciated, thanks.

Nothing wrong with just going with your MIL’s name - what other name would you choose to go with it? I like the suggestion of finding a name that links to your dad’s name if that works.

Fwiw my kids’ names (first and 2 middles) are all linked to my family/culture. They have DH’s surname so we felt that was fair. DH’s family have never mentioned it and tbh I don’t care what they think in private. My kids my choice.

Should I let her know before I announce the baby’s name?
Why do you need to announce the name.
Just let MIL know that baby’s middle name is to honour her.
You only need to tell everyone else baby’s first name.

I know how you feel- but I was saved the angst by having twins!

Do you have any great great great Grandmothers names to use?

If your MiL is a good hands on grandmother and nice MiL to you then you should absolutely honour her. It will mean so much to her. Your own Mum wasn't there for you so won't be surprised.

I gave one of my children his great grandfather's middle name(on my husband's side)as said child's middle name.
I massively regret doing so as the great grandad and great grandmother couldn't have been less interested in my children and I swish I'd not bothered tbh
They are adults now but I do regret our choice

*wish not swish 🙄

Just name her after your MIL if that's what you want to do. No need to discuss it with anyone.

One of my daughters has already told me that she is planning to do this (assuming that she own day has a child with her current boyfriend).

She likes her possible future mother-in-law's name better than mine and intends to use it as a middle name for a daughter (if she has one).

I also prefer her name to mine, so I can hardly complain!

If the other two have two middle names then you should use both your mum's and MIL'S names for this baby. To leave your mum out would look even more pointed given the older children have three initials.

You've used grandparent names from both sides for your other children - have you no name at all from your dad's side of the family there?

I think if your dad's side were going to have their noses out of joint, it would be because you've decided to maintain a relationship with your mother on an ongoing basis. How do they feel about this? Any issues?

Why on Earth 'should' she? OP owes her mother nothing, it is entirely up to her and her partner what names they choose. Nobody should be made to feel that they 'should' use a name just so as not to put someone's nose out of joint. That honour needs to earned, which it hasn't been in this case.

Poor MILs get such a bad rep. I can guarantee that if this was the other way around and OP was asking if it was right to honour her own mother and leave her MIL out everyone would be saying MIL will just need to suck it up etc.

If your DD has two of her great grandmother's names as middle names, surely there are two great grandmothers left to use? Same for your son and great grand fathers? Did you not have two grandmothers and two grandfathers each? If so, why can't you use the remaining two great grandmothers for DD2?

We don’t wish to honour our other grandmothers due to them being absent in our lives.

Tess is a nicer name than Susanne (Suzi is the only shortened version I've ever liked; helped immensely by the owner but I know lovely Sues and Suzies too, and I'm afraid still don't dig their names). Basically, go down the practical route as well as the honour route with your justifications, if pressed.

But I agree you could make it about your partner. There's this weird idea that a baby is 'more' the mother's family's, because she did the carrying, and it's not fair on MILs, really.

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod I agree, Tess is much nicer

Personally, in your situation, I would use MILs name as the middle name. If you want to stick to the 2 name tradition then is there another family member who was hands on with raising you or your DH that you’d like to include? Or a close friend? Your own name/middle name? Female version of your dad’s name? 😊

Don’t feel the need to be apologetic about your choices. It sounds like there were others that had a far more significant role in your life than your mum did and you’re honouring them for that. If she questions it then tell her simply that you’re glad you have the relationship that you have now (assuming that’s the case) but that these people play a significant role in your life/DHs life & upbringing etc

I think you should give your child two middle names if your other children have two, but you're not obligated to use your mum's name if your relationship is complicated.
If there's no-one else you'd name your child after you could use something like Joy or Hope.

Sorry to be pedantic but in your thread title you've asked what we would do, but that's irrelevant really as you want advice on your specific situation. My MIL is an incredibly toxic person so there's no way I'd use her name! However your situation is completely different and it makes sense to use your MIL's name as a middle name. I think you should do it and try your best not to feel guilty. If you want to give your DD a second middle name (like your other children) use your own middle name. Presumably your mum chose it for you so she must like it!

Do you have any sisters or aunts that you're close to, OP?

Just use the MIL name and feel no guilt.

We used partners step Dad's name for one of ours and neither of our Dad's know about it

No matter how fond of them I might be, MiL and my mother both have godawful names, so it would be a cold day in hell before I named a baby after either.

This

People who are suggesting you should use you mothers name to be fair don’t understand what you’ve been through growing up. You owe her nothing. Use your MILs name and nothing else.