That old unmarried surname dilemma...

[alittleteapot]

throughout pg was very clear LO would have DP's surname. When it came to crunch i found it very painful when it came to crossing my name out. Am going to add my name as middle name which you can do easily within 12 months. Now wondering if I really wish i'd gone for double barrel after all (not keen in some ways but have talked to a few friends who like me gave their LO their DP's name and have found they mind more than they thought) - but adding a surname would be a bigger deal as would involve changing LO's name by deedpoll which seems a bit heavy.

So, in compromise, wondering if it would be silly to have my name as a middle name and sometimes use it double barrel style and sometimes not? or to use it as a full name even tho not official?

My mum gave me her maiden name as my middle name. It's still my middle name, even though I am now married myself - so I have 'lost' my dad's name as my surname, but my mum's name will always be my middle name if that makes sense. I like it!

changing name by deed poll is no hassle at all if you really want to. You can do it online, or ask a solicitor to draw up change of name deeds that cost no more than £50.
I think that would be easier than 'unofficial names' I'd hate my children to have a different surname to me. Not sure why women do it.

why don't you all go double barrelled?

Our LO is the same - has my name as middle name and DPs as her surname. Know what you mean - it feels a bit sad somehow, but ours were just too darn long to be double barrelled - would have sounded ridiculous. I think the middle name is a good compromise and then she can use it or not as she likes.

good old mn - thanks for swift replies. i like all those answers - wish i could feel clearer about which route to go down. dp not keen on giving dd double barrelled name but think i could convince him. agree with you oranges - even tho i am one of them now can't understand why so many women happily surrender their name. i feel a pang every time i have to give her name and it's not mine. dp says he'd be happy for her to have just my name - prefer that to double barrelled but i don't want her not to have his name either really. sometimes think things were so much easier when aged 21 you married the boy next door and changed your name.

I wish I'd given my DC's my surname instead of their dads.

We're no longer together and I am in a new relationship, and having another child, DP and I are planning on getting married in the next couple of years so myself, DP and the baby will all be the same yet my eldest two won't.

It's also quite annoying when we go to say the doctors or something and people automatically assume that DP is the father so call him the wrong surname, and then realise neither myself nor him have the same name as the DC's.

Teapot my dd has my surname as a middle name and dp's name as her surname. We didn't want to double barrel as my surname has 2 syllables and his has 3 (so it would be a real mouthful).....plus we do plan on marrying at some point, so although i'm not really bothered about using his surname (and may not change from my name when we marry) at least for convenience i will have the same name as dd when that happens. That was the only thing i worried about in giving her his name and there have been some situations where me and her having different surnames has caused confusion eg at her nursery.

I guess using your name as a middle name is fine as a compromise if that makes you happy, it certainly was enough for me to be honest.

why doesn't he like double barrelled?

ds has got dh's surname, i have kept my own even though i prefer his really, that woman with the other surname isn't me

forgot to say Teapot that one condition of dd having dp's surname was he gave me carte blanche on her first name! obviously if he had HATED my choice i might have gone for something else but luckily he liked it.....

I know of a couple of who have taken a novel approach: they both have long names (one foreign) which there was no way they could double barrel. So their children have a different name to either of them! . It does have a hisotrical connection to them, bit it is certainly a different way of apporachong the issue.

Ds has dh's name, while I still use my own (foreign and unsual) name. I have to admit to regretting slightly that we didn't put my name into ds' in some way, as it looks like the Scottish "branch" will die out (at least name-wise) as my db doesn't look like he is going to produce any offspring.

the other option of course is for me to change my name to DP's - i'd keep my name as middle name/work name - had it way too long to say goodbye completely - but not convinced by that option etiher. just can't imagine myself called a different name. what's interesting is how you can think you think one thing - really confidently - and then once the baby is here feel really quite differently. it's slightly wrongfooted me to find myself feeling so strongly about it and that's probably why i can't pin down the solution.

Why not hyphenate? That's what we did. Never been a problem. Told them as they get older that they can choose either name or both if they want. Haven't wanted to yet.

we have discussed creating a brand new family name for all of us... quite like that idea... dp also suggested girl children have my name, boy children his, but i hate the idea of them having different names just as much1

Interestingly, if you were to get married then you could re-register the birth and change the surname to yours or to a combination of the two names if you wanted.

oranges -- I am married but have my own name; DS has DH's name because our names sound ridiculous double-barrelled (one name is a noun and one an adjective), and of the two names I prefer DH's aesthetically. It's virtually impossible to come up with first names that sound good with my last name AND it's a pain to spell. It's no contest on which one to saddle someone with for life. Had my parents given me my mother's original surname as all or part of mine then it would have been a different story. It doesn't bother me at all to have a different name from DS. Anyway, cant speak for why women (plural) do it, but that's why one woman did.

I know the feeling of dilemma with names. I kept my surname when I married, but later, after ds was born, both dh and I changed our names and gave ds that surname, so it was like creating our own little unit, not bound by a patriarchal line, iyswim. And I still keep my unmarried name for professional reasons, so feel I didn't subsume my identity.

portandlemon - that makes sense - we kind of had that reasoning too - both dh and I have long convoluted surnames so it was a relief to just pick a shorter one!

i think i'm leaning towards double barrelled esp as oranges says it's so easy to change - i've never really liked them as a rule - and what happens in the next generation? their kids could end up with four surnames! apart from that i do think our names would sound ok double barrelled, in terms of syllable count. feel slightly weird if dd ever found out that i'd changed my mind tho. don't know why - silly really. plus dp not keen on db.

that's interesting oranges. we've talked about doing that. i like the idea of creating our own clan without all the connotations of patriarchal lines etc. how did you pick the name?

Mexican men and women always double barrel their names, then when they get married, they keep one of the names and adds one of the new partners names. You don't have to keep extending the name for ever!

the other thing is, double barrels are so common these days, it's really not a big deal. but what DO people do when they have children of their own?

Speculating about Partandlemon's potential double barrel. Ruby-Port? Tawny-Port?

It's a long story, but essentially, it's part of dh's name, which meant a lot to both of us.

yes i've heard that about spanish names too - it would be nice if there were a way of making it about a union rather than the woman taking the man's name always.

you can actually change your names to anything you want. Maybe it's time to start new traditions!

I like Montague, Montgomery, Gillespie, Winstanley......A few nice sexy sur names for you all

I am not married and I have split from my ex and my two children have their Dad's sur name. It's not the end of the World I guess, at least it shows that their Dad was in their lives to start with. Maybe I'm too sensitive about that though.