Cannot agree on first or last name

[wallingtonspy]

DP is very modern and feminist but he comes from India, a patriarchal culture. He absolutely wants the baby to have his surname and feels so strongly about this. He said that it's what he always imagined, its tradition, and his family will expect it. He loved having his dads surname as a kid and felt apart of something.

The thing is that I absolutely want the baby to have my surname, I want the 9 months of carrying the baby to be recognized and I don't want to support a sexist tradition and this to me feels very forward thinking. But my priority is the first name.

But we are also disagreeing on a first name too! I love unusual but classic feeling baby names. I like the names to be tied back to family heritage or a meaningful place in some way, such as my name is greek so a couple of names on the list I found in old greek novels that aren't in any of the baby name books. I like the names to have an interesting story or lovely meaning. I like the names to have nice nicknames and for it to be very unlikely another child in their school has the name.

Naming babies has almost been a hobby of mine my whole life. I created a book as a child full of characters and their personalities and I picked each one of their names carefully from a baby name book. I have had notebooks full of names over the years as well as the notes section of my phone. I have currently five names or each gender I absolutely love that I have saved up over the years, so to get a quick 'no' from DP is a little heart breaking.

I feel that I have put my all into something I care about so much and I have run out of names I am absolutely in love with and DP while he is happy with western names and prefers them, the names he likes are Anne, Sophie, Juliette and Gracie. He said he likes unusual names too but just didn't love any on my list. I told him the types of names I like and he hasn't made any effort to search for unusual names. Hes never opened a baby name book or looked online. But will continue to list more common ones of people that he has met over the years, I dont know why he does this as he knows I won't like them such as Sarah. I just don't feel anything when I hear these names. I can't help feel that I am putting in so much effort and care so much. I am a person that really picks my battles in life and this is my battle whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back so much but isn't backing down.

Since we're at a bit of a headlock, I have told him the baby can have his surname if I can have one of my first names I have spent my whole life finding. He said that he wants the baby to have his surname but wants a name we both love as a first name. I just don;t think I willl find another name I will love. I have been searching daily over the last month I found another three names that I liked but not as much as my other 5 and got another quick no. the lack of considering the names I have spent so much time in is also hurtful. He doesn't hate my names but doesn't love them either. I spent so long researching each one. I feel exhausted. I just realistically don't think I will find another name that I love and it's really getting me down.

I think he just expects me to back down but I just don't want to this time.

How do we move forward from here?

out of interest…. did you never discuss this before falling pregnant?

But we are also disagreeing on a first name too!

ypu have offered a compromise and he’s declined

doesn’t bode well

I have told him the baby can have his surname if I can have one of my first names I have spent my whole life finding. He said that he wants the baby to have his surname but wants a name we both love as a first name. I just don;t think I willl find another name I will love

I don't agree with any of this.

I think the baby should have your surname if you are not married. This is definitely not something I would use as a trading chip.

I agree with him that the baby should have a first name that you both love.

Are you pregnant?
The baby should have the mother's surname.

DP is very modern and feminist but he comes from a different country in a different continent, a patriarchal culture.
It's not unknown for men to change when their partner has a baby.

If he is so traditional as to want the baby to take his surname why didn't he marry you and ask you to take his name before having a baby.

He either takes your compromise or you name the baby with your surname and a first name you love. He cannot register the birth without you. But you can register without him.

Additional thought would double barrelled surname work for either of you?

If he's so traditional he'd have married you before this.. and traditionally actually a baby has the mother's surname, not the father's, it just so happens to be most were married and therefore the surname was the same.

Agree with others. If you aren't married then the baby should have your surname and then choose a first name you both like.

Are you married? If not, definitely your surname. You have zero financially protection in the eyes of the law. Do not reduce your own income unless married. Personally I find your interest in baby names prior to pregnancy a bit weird, no wonder he's not getting a look in. I think you need to scratch all your previous lists, get a book and look through together.

we are married, it was a registry office wedding, I kept my name. He was disappointed and did bring it up a few times but I told him I wanted to keep my name. we never told his family I didn't take his name and they still don't know and we aren't sure how much they will mind either.

Okay, the fact you are married changes things as he actually could register the birth without you. But given he was disappointed you didn't take his name then it can hardly come as a surprise that he wants the baby to have his name. You should really have discussed and agreed this before marriage.

This is a really tricky one. Normally I’m of the opinion that both of you need to love the first name (or at least be happy with it, if you can’t find one you both love). However, since both of you have such strongly opposed views for both parts of the name, the way forward does seem to be a compromise along the lines of the one you’ve suggested.

How long do you have to go, OP? If it’s a while still, you might find that opinions change as the pregnancy continues.

For the surname, PP is right that babies traditionally have the mother’s name, it’s just that most women used to take their husband’s name on marriage so in practice it meant the child had the father’s name. Now that many women aren’t changing their names, or are having children without being married, the idea of a baby not having their dad’s name is becoming much more common (though I appreciate it is still traditional in your husband’s culture).

I'd suggest combining both names for the surname, either hyphenated or not. tell him the only choice for that is which order the names go, but both will be used.
As for the first name, it sounds like he's not keen on very unusual names. Which is his prerogative, as it is yours not to like names which are too ordinary.
Could you go for something like Athina/Athena or Sephy (Prosephone/Seraphina)? Or Saffron? If he likes Sophie, Saffy or Sephy are not so different.
What I would do is pick the name you like, and start referring to the bump by that name, or a shortened version of it, so that he gets used to it, so it doesn't feel so "out there" to him. If you come across anyone else with that name, refer to it, make him feel like it's familiar. Men are often quite conformist in terms of what they like, so he won't go for eg Aphrodite, but he might for Helen, Cassandra( Cassie)or Penelope.
What are the names that you like?

I am a person that really picks my battles in life and this is my battle whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back so much but isn't backing down.

He sounds like a bully and absolutely fucking insufferable. This doesn't bode well for your future at all.

No matter whose last name she takes, it’s still a mans last name! If she takes yours, well, where did that come from?

I think you both need to compromise (as you have suggested). This could mean one chooses the first name and the other the surname. Or you go for a first name you both like (love often isn’t achievable ime) and double-barrel the surname.

But really it’s a bigger problem that he will not propose any compromise. It might be that you need to discuss more broadly what happens in your marriage when you disagree with each other. Sounds like you are always the one to back down which is not going to create a healthy relationship. You might need a counsellor to help with the discussion.

This is rubbish. As soon as my name became my name, it was a woman’s name.

he's really chilled and optimistic that we will find a name we both love, but he just doesn't seem to understand that I have exhausted my efforts. He keeps reassuring me that we will find a name we both love but I just don;t think we will.

He's a gentle and kind man and I know he doesn't come across that way in the post but he is

Came back to say, DH and I had a tough time with naming our child.

I disliked every name he suggested and vice versa.

We agreed that we’d call her by his preferred name (🙄) but that I would set her first name. So we call her by her second name, but her first name is the one I chose. I was firm on this; I grew and carried that child and I have spent my life thinking about a name for my kids, something HE HAS NOT DONE. I made it clear how she was getting his last name AND how we would be calling her by the name HE CHOSE.

I get first name. END OF.

You have to compromise and he choose the surname, you chose the first name seems the best way to do it.
With first names, make a list of names you love and ask him to chose which one he hates the least.
That can be the starting point. But I would empathise how much of a compromise you are making by letting him chose the surname. He needs to give something too.
Also agree on watching out for behavior changes with pregnancy. Often the most laid back coolest, men can revert to very traditional roles or try to decide on parenting methods their parents used.
Try to nip each example of that in the bud.

And who gave you your last name? Is it your fathers? Exactly… came from a man.

or maybe it was your mothers because dad wasn’t in the picture? So tell me, whose last name did she get? Likely her fathers. Exactly so came from a man.

no matter how you put it, your last name comes from a patriarchal figure.

This 100%. My kids are double barrelled and I’m so glad I insisted on it. I found out he’d been having an affair for years. I’d be so annoyed if I’d compromised and gone with his preference of his surname only.

You’re just going to have to keep looking until you find a first and middle name you both like. Just keep making your lists, he might not feel the same urgency to lock it down as you do.

So what? It’s still my name? My parents gave me my first name, it’s still my name.

The husband got the surname from his dad, it’s still his name.

What’s the difference between the man wanting his surname and the woman wanting hers? Nothing. The fairest way is to use both like they do in many countries around the world and many do in this country.

A gentle and kind man who fights to the death each time? He sounds shit. Doesn't bode well for parenting with such a man.
He will have to compromise. His demands are not options.

The obvious answer to the surnames is that the baby has both and that’s it.

First names can be a nightmare, but you just have to keep working until you find something you both like. Both write lists of every single name you could live with and then work from there.

My point is that, no matter what last name you give your child, it is inherited from a man!

and I am from one of those countries where we inherit both parents name; and guess what? Both last names I’ve inherited come from my grandfathers: men.