Cannot agree on first or last name

[wallingtonspy]

DP is very modern and feminist but he comes from India, a patriarchal culture. He absolutely wants the baby to have his surname and feels so strongly about this. He said that it's what he always imagined, its tradition, and his family will expect it. He loved having his dads surname as a kid and felt apart of something.

The thing is that I absolutely want the baby to have my surname, I want the 9 months of carrying the baby to be recognized and I don't want to support a sexist tradition and this to me feels very forward thinking. But my priority is the first name.

But we are also disagreeing on a first name too! I love unusual but classic feeling baby names. I like the names to be tied back to family heritage or a meaningful place in some way, such as my name is greek so a couple of names on the list I found in old greek novels that aren't in any of the baby name books. I like the names to have an interesting story or lovely meaning. I like the names to have nice nicknames and for it to be very unlikely another child in their school has the name.

Naming babies has almost been a hobby of mine my whole life. I created a book as a child full of characters and their personalities and I picked each one of their names carefully from a baby name book. I have had notebooks full of names over the years as well as the notes section of my phone. I have currently five names or each gender I absolutely love that I have saved up over the years, so to get a quick 'no' from DP is a little heart breaking.

I feel that I have put my all into something I care about so much and I have run out of names I am absolutely in love with and DP while he is happy with western names and prefers them, the names he likes are Anne, Sophie, Juliette and Gracie. He said he likes unusual names too but just didn't love any on my list. I told him the types of names I like and he hasn't made any effort to search for unusual names. Hes never opened a baby name book or looked online. But will continue to list more common ones of people that he has met over the years, I dont know why he does this as he knows I won't like them such as Sarah. I just don't feel anything when I hear these names. I can't help feel that I am putting in so much effort and care so much. I am a person that really picks my battles in life and this is my battle whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back so much but isn't backing down.

Since we're at a bit of a headlock, I have told him the baby can have his surname if I can have one of my first names I have spent my whole life finding. He said that he wants the baby to have his surname but wants a name we both love as a first name. I just don;t think I willl find another name I will love. I have been searching daily over the last month I found another three names that I liked but not as much as my other 5 and got another quick no. the lack of considering the names I have spent so much time in is also hurtful. He doesn't hate my names but doesn't love them either. I spent so long researching each one. I feel exhausted. I just realistically don't think I will find another name that I love and it's really getting me down.

I think he just expects me to back down but I just don't want to this time.

How do we move forward from here?

He doesn’t get to have it both ways. Is the first or last name more important to you? I’d have him agree that if you don’t both find a first name you both like by x date, then it defaults to you picking the first name, and him the last. He doesn’t get to decide that the baby has his last name, and also force you to pick a first name you don’t love

yes I am a lady who is very passionate about baby names, I love the meanings, the vibes, everything.

and yet you have never ever discussed your favourite names or sought his or discussed the surname issue (despite not taking his)… until you were actually pregnant? 😐

This made him see things from another perspective

well that was easy considering you described him as fighting until the death in your post before!

Opwhat are your names out of interest? It's hard to tell how unreasonable he is without some idea what they are.

How far out there are your names?

im Not sure on how you get a double barrel surname but maybe do that with both of your surnames! I really love all them (not much sarah!) I could also suggest Suri if he wanted something Indian and then you could go for your surname

i think we can be fairly confident… they’re far far fast out there!

Well done! Sounds like you’re half way to finding your way through this together and that the solution that suits your family best is going to be his surname and one of your most loved first names.
And it sounds like he might be less forceful and listen to your opinions more in future now he knows you’ve been feeling railroaded into capitulating to his preferences rather than actually coming round to his way of thinking.

You could consider including your last name as your baby’s middle name - it would mean it’s on their birth certificate, passport and official paperwork but wouldn’t be used as their everyday name.

This.

OP, it’s entirely irrelevant that you have a weird fixation on naming imaginary people since childhood. Your child will have two parents. Both of them need to find a name they like and agree on. You have different tastes, but you need to find a compromise.

Double barrel it? Or pick a new one!

I couldn't get a sensible suggestion about names from DP whilst expecting our DD. Once she was born we had agreed on a name very quickly (couple of hours). So don't be too concerned about a first name at this stage.

However we had agreed on her surname very early on - mine. His family bridled a bit, but it was a 5 minute blip and that was that.

I find this post really difficult as it's saying alot more about you than him.

Firstly what are the names you are fixated on? Are they so out there he just doesn't like them and also we could make a better judgement on this scenario

Secondly, He's your husband why refer to him as your DP? Fine keep your surname, I personally think a family unit should all have the same surname and I do not see the point of getting married if one of you doesn't take the others name, but hey ho each to there own and every couple I know who have kept their own surnames are no longer together.

I do not see the point of getting married if one of you doesn't take the others name
No point in anyone getting married unless they both double-barrel or combine their surnames then.
Apart from the legal commitment.

That's so funny! In every divorced couple I know, the wife has taken her husband's name (at least on a social level).

Anecdata, hey?

What a bizarre post. I’m assuming you don’t actually think ‘the point of getting married’ is for one person to adopt the other’s surname.

@Scottyme ill just get on the phone to my husband to tell him there’s literally no point in us being married because we have different names. Also change all our various kids’ names because otherwise we can’t be a family unit. I’m on it.

Obvious answer for surname is double barrel. One option is to use both surnames without the hyphen. People assume first surname is a middle name and tends not to get used but is legally there. If you're less bothered about it being used then that's an option. Or use one surname as a middle name.

I think others have suggested combining surnames - do they work double barrelled? Or could the baby at least have your surname as a middle name? I completely understand you suggesting giving it up for your choice of first name though, and it sounds completely unreasonable for your husband to want no compromise on his surname but a compromise on the first name! My husband would have been the same only we'd already had that argument about me changing my name and I gave in!

Luckily we did find some common ground on names but we couldn't actually decide until she was born - after the birth he suggested my preferred name without prompting. Hopefully you have the same, especially as the hospital will likely give the baby a bracelet with your surname rather than his!

My husband also only liked names he had heard before, so I wonder if repeating the names a bit and thinking of more familiar sounding nickname options for them might work? He should at least accept he should think about them properly rather than immediately dismissing them - ask him for a reason and a new alternative name he hasn't suggested before.

IMO you have your priorities wrong. The baby would be getting my surname and I wouldn't budge on that.

You both need to be happy with the first name even if one of you isn't madly in love with it. Expecting him to name your child some Homeric Greek name that isn't in the baby name books isn't reasonable.

As you are married I would double barrel the surname. If you were not married I'd say use yours no question but in this case he's been responsible and it's his child too so he should be recognised in the name.

For the first name I have no suggestions. Just keep floating names till you both like one. What I will say is I named my first child and love her name. My next two we compromised on the name choosing ones we both liked as neither of us loved the same names. And 7 years later I wish I'd chosen his middle name as his first name because I still prefer it. His dad is long over it and doesn't care...

I do not see the point of getting married if one of you doesn't take the others name, but hey ho each to there own and every couple I know who have kept their own surnames are no longer together.

Don't be daft.

Don't you know any Muslims or successful career women who have kept their own name because they have established careers?

I wonder if there are any south Asian names that he is familiar with and are more unusual here and more appealing to you? Rather than Greek names that he might feel sound too strange. Also might help ease his discomfort with not passing down his surname if that's the way you go!