Cannot agree on first or last name

[wallingtonspy]

DP is very modern and feminist but he comes from India, a patriarchal culture. He absolutely wants the baby to have his surname and feels so strongly about this. He said that it's what he always imagined, its tradition, and his family will expect it. He loved having his dads surname as a kid and felt apart of something.

The thing is that I absolutely want the baby to have my surname, I want the 9 months of carrying the baby to be recognized and I don't want to support a sexist tradition and this to me feels very forward thinking. But my priority is the first name.

But we are also disagreeing on a first name too! I love unusual but classic feeling baby names. I like the names to be tied back to family heritage or a meaningful place in some way, such as my name is greek so a couple of names on the list I found in old greek novels that aren't in any of the baby name books. I like the names to have an interesting story or lovely meaning. I like the names to have nice nicknames and for it to be very unlikely another child in their school has the name.

Naming babies has almost been a hobby of mine my whole life. I created a book as a child full of characters and their personalities and I picked each one of their names carefully from a baby name book. I have had notebooks full of names over the years as well as the notes section of my phone. I have currently five names or each gender I absolutely love that I have saved up over the years, so to get a quick 'no' from DP is a little heart breaking.

I feel that I have put my all into something I care about so much and I have run out of names I am absolutely in love with and DP while he is happy with western names and prefers them, the names he likes are Anne, Sophie, Juliette and Gracie. He said he likes unusual names too but just didn't love any on my list. I told him the types of names I like and he hasn't made any effort to search for unusual names. Hes never opened a baby name book or looked online. But will continue to list more common ones of people that he has met over the years, I dont know why he does this as he knows I won't like them such as Sarah. I just don't feel anything when I hear these names. I can't help feel that I am putting in so much effort and care so much. I am a person that really picks my battles in life and this is my battle whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back so much but isn't backing down.

Since we're at a bit of a headlock, I have told him the baby can have his surname if I can have one of my first names I have spent my whole life finding. He said that he wants the baby to have his surname but wants a name we both love as a first name. I just don;t think I willl find another name I will love. I have been searching daily over the last month I found another three names that I liked but not as much as my other 5 and got another quick no. the lack of considering the names I have spent so much time in is also hurtful. He doesn't hate my names but doesn't love them either. I spent so long researching each one. I feel exhausted. I just realistically don't think I will find another name that I love and it's really getting me down.

I think he just expects me to back down but I just don't want to this time.

How do we move forward from here?

I'm sorry you're in this place, but both you and him have got to like the name and that may be a compromise. You could use one of those name apps where you both pick names you like and it tells you any in common. My husband and I both have different taste in names and this is what we did. Although you may not end up with your number 1 favourite name, you should both end up with a name you like this way. I think you may be putting too much pressure on names though. The name you use will become to embody your child, and you will love it because of that.

I would say Juliette is an absolutely lovely name, and very rarely used. There were only 39 babies named this in England/Wales in 2021 (60 Juliets), and it has a lovely meaning of youthful. This is what I would call an unusual but classic name. Understand you may not like it, but I think this shows there might be middle ground between your styles.

As you are married, why not double barrel the childs surname? And then one of you picks the first name and the other picks the middle name.
So you could have Yourchoice DHChoice YourSurname hyphen DHSurname.

@thebestinterest

How have you 'got' her first name when that's not what you call her. It's just a name on a bit of paper that's going to be an administration nightmare for the rest of her life. If. I was her I'd change it on my 18th birthday.

He absolutely wants the baby to have his surname and feels so strongly about this. He said that it's what he always imagined, its tradition, and his family will expect it.
seems irrelevant. You want the baby to have your surname, maybe it’s what you always imagined and what your family expect? Why would his vote trump yours? Tradition isn’t a reason. I do note tradition wasn’t a priority when he didn’t marry you before sex and children, since you’re calling him dp and not dh

you’ve offered a compromise and he won’t take it. He also is making no effort to find a name you both love as a different form of compromise. Frankly since he is a dp and not dh, you both need to realise who holds the cards on this subject and it’s not him. He can’t register the baby. You can turn up, register the baby with whatever name you like and whatever surname you like and he can’t do anything about it. I appreciate that’s not a great way to a healthy relationship, but equally neither is him stamping his foot for what he wants.

he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back
how tiresome for you. So you have to brace yourself for a huge battle any time you disagree with him, which he will beat you down on eventually anyway so there’s no point ever having a thought in your own head?

Yes I understood what you were saying. Of course that will be the case as you have to go back to the first ever humans (unless the first ever humans gave their children the wife’s surname and it only changed 1000 years later and actually everyone originally has a name handed down from the first woman - it just was erased by men writing history)!

I just don’t see how it matters? My mum’s cat could have given me a surname, my parents could have made up a new surname, it could have been passed down from my mum or dad - it’s still mine.

My friend was named after maternal grandmother. It’s still her name. It doesn’t matter who gave it to you (first, middle or second name), it becomes yours from birth and you have every right to pass it along as the father.

Double barrel the surname and use one of your favourite names and one of his as first and middle names.

So I would actually rather his surname than double barrelling. Both our surnames are very long and start with the same letter, I don't think it would be fair on the child.

Also I may mention, DP doesn't seem to love any names, he just seems to pluck names out that he likes. He hasn't pushed for any name nor really thought about names before this.

I’d go your surname, compromise on the first name. Do you live in Greece? You haven’t said what your favourite names are but I’m concerned they’re hard to spell/pronounce for Brits if you live here. There are real benefits to not having an unusual name.

This.

How long have you got left? I'd just say "Well, I've found 8 names that I love and have offered you the surname so I've made my compromise suggestion...". Now it's on you to think carefully and decide what compromise you suggest. Then say no more for a while. The ball is in his court to come up with a compromise not just say "but I want everything my way!".

Perhaps you could give the baby a first name and middle name. Your choice as the first name and his as the middle. You can call baby by your name and he can use his. I can guarantee by the age of 5 no one will even remember her middle name.

If even this is a compromise too far for him, I would be worried for the future.

he doesn't have middle names in his family so he doesn't;t see the point in them. he would be happy for me to choose them. I care far more about the first and last names

My point is that as soon as it became my name it was a woman’s name. It doesn’t really matter where it came from. I am not just a temporary holder of the name. It is just as much my name as it is anyone else’s.

It's "tradition" to be married before having a baby so he doesn't get to pull that card.

He also has no legal right to name the child, you are the only one authorised to get the birth certificate. He sounds like a bit of a bully from how you described him in your later post, I think it's important you show him you can't be bullied when it comes to your child.

Double barrelling or his last name as a middle name would be my compromise. But I do think you need to agree on a first name, that doesn't mean you back down, it means you keep looking until you find the one. You can give your favourite name as a middle name.

Ah see, my ex was like this. So I chose DSs name and told him that unless he came to me with a name he actually loved before DS was born that this would be DSs name. But he was an arsehole and didn't actually have an opinion other than disagreeing with me.

So what are the names you have then?

how long until you give birth?

how well do you get on with his family?

when you decided to keep your own surname

did you and he never discuss children and surnames before trying?

is the marriage a happy one OP?

I am a person that really picks my battles in life and this is my battle whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back so much but isn't backing down.

I would say this to him. Give him some unrelated examples. Then point out to him that if this relationship is going to work that he is going to need to learn to compromise on the things that are important to you, otherwise life will be very difficult and your relationship will be filled with resentment.
He doesn't have to agree with you but he does need to grow up and learn to compromise.

whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time

OP you are about to become a mother Trust me… this is going to be very very difficult and unhappy for you (and your child) if your partner doesn’t address this very difficult side to him. You have been passive to date and he has loved that. When you are a mother, i doubt you’ll be so passive (at least i hope you won’t be) if you disagree with him. So a similar scenario to now will just be one part and parcel of your life… constant disagreements

@Saymyname28 despite OP referring to the bully as her darling partner, she is married to him. So he can register the birth himself.

OP, am I right that you are only prepared to consider the 5 first names you originally chose plus possibly a further 3. So if it's not in your top 8 names (per gender?) then you're blanket veto-ing it? And some of the names you like are so obscure the names don't even feature in baby name books? Because honestly I think that's a bit unreasonable and controlling.

Anne, Sophie, Juliette and Grace are all perfectly reasonable names, I'd love to know what the 8 names on your list are for comparison!

But basically, when it comes down to it, you need to choose a name that you both like, and come to agreement on which surname or combination of surnames that you use.

so you’ve been obsessed with names your entire life
to a. unusual degree

and yet you and your husband only start chatting about names after your pregnant?

I am a person that really picks my battles in life and this is my battle whereas he is the sort of person who picks every single battle and fights to the death every time. He's not used to me pushing back so much but isn't backing down.

Men who are 'gentle and kind' simply don't behave this way. Bullies do.

You know that his approach to disagreements is completely batshit don't you OP? That fighting to the death on every battle is bizarre and awful behaviour?

If both parents want the child to have their surname then double-barrel is the only way to go imo. Of course you don’t have to give the baby his surname if that’s not what you want, but equally he can refuse to use your name only.
I think it’s important that both parents love the first name.

yes I am a lady who is very passionate about baby names, I love the meanings, the vibes, everything.

so I have spoken to DP and basically read out my post. This made him see things from another perspective. He said that he felt that we had quite a while (3 months) left so he wasn't worried or in a rush to pick a name and that he didn't hate mine he was just waiting to hear a name and feel that he loved it. He knew I liked picking names so thought I was happy to keep looking and explore other options. He said he would rather compromise on the first name than the surname. He said that if we get to when the baby is here and we haven't chosen he will agree on a compromise and will consider one of the five names on my list and go for his last name.

We also spoke about him picking every battle and fighting to the death. He didn't see it that way as he is always calm when expressing his opinion. He said that he didn't realise I just let him have his way when theres conflict and thought I just changed my mind each time and preferred his way. He told me to point it out next time. He thought this was one of the first times (recently: we have been together 8 years) we properly disagreed when really its the first time I fought back and didn't just do it his way.