Would it be weird to use the middle name

[Marshmallowtoastie]

I’d like to name my baby a fairly common first name and a middle name from our culture, then we would use the middle name day to day and always introduce them by the middle name.
Do you think I could ask the school or other places to use the middle name as well? I’m worried it will be confusing, but I like that they have the option when applying for jobs or go to new places when they are older that they will have the option of a British sounding name, as we’ve experienced issues ourselves due to our names.

I had a boyfriend who was known by his middle name. In his family, it was customary to name the first son James and then use the middle name as their given name. So his dad and grandad were James David, both known as David and he is James Matthew and goes by Matthew. Don’t think it ever caused an issue.

I wouldn't recommend doing it. I've always been known by my middle name and it's been a faff on, always telling teachers that I use my middle name. Like others have said I have to remember that in medical settings it will be my first name that they'll use. Being known by my middle has had other issues like people booking me on flights in my middle name, cheques written in middles names and at work organising that email addresses are set up in middle name. Just choose the name you'll call them as the first name, much easier for them as they go through life.

I don’t recommend it. I have a very common first name, but due to its length + my maiden name + just preference, I have been known by my nickname since I was a toddler. My nickname isn’t truly a derivative of my legal first name, and while it’s a common girls’ name NOW it was very unusual for a couple of decades. Few people even knew what my legal name was.

The issue arose when I became a full-fledged married adult. Suddenly I was in the hospital, seeing the doctor, filing paperwork, going to appointments, and meeting all sorts of new people. Nearly every single one of those scenarios used my LEGAL name; the issue was that you could call me by my legal name and it wouldn’t occur to me to look up. You’d call out my name in a waiting room and anyone else with my very common legal name might look up, but I wouldn’t! Changing my address involved complications as well, as I had to file and specify as if I was two people. And eventually receiving checks became a pain - once the bank I’d used from childhood experienced enough staff turnover AND I moved across the county, I no longer was allowed to use my nickname and thus when anyone wrote a check to my nickname I’d need to endorse it as if a third party was signing it, and everything was delayed.

Today I use a nickname that encompasses both my legal name and my lifelong nickname. I don’t even like the name, but it’s got enough of BOTH in it that it catches my attention AND people connect it with me either way, whether they have always known me by my nickname or only known me by me legal nickname. My husband still uses my original nickname as well as my own family, and those who have known me my whole life… but I don’t frankly feel like her anymore. She had a lovely childhood nickname but constantly spelling and explaining ruined her name except for nostalgia. And yet I’m not brave enough to ask those I’m closest to to just use my new nickname.

Banking and moving and taxes and doctors and new friends and in-laws (I couldn’t do a “formal” style wedding invite with my middle name and all because nobody would’ve known WHO that legal person was!) and such might seem far away when you’re naming a child, and might be okay into the teen years, but the disconnect became extremely annoying in my adulthood!

I’m confused by you saying that they’d have the option of using the ‘English’ name for jobs- would anyone change their name for a job? So they’re known as one thing by their family and friends and another name by work colleagues? I would just use the name they’ll be known by as their first name, to save confusion.

This, I've always been known by my middle name. In an internet age it is an absolute nightmare, please don't do it.

There’s a lot of evidence that when applying for jobs, names can prevent things like getting interviews or being offered the job. With the option of an English name we prevent that. They can still introduce themselves as their middle name if they’d like once they started but at least for application they don’t have the issues.
there are lots of other times when names can lead to racism and discrimination too, and at least they can avoid this when they want/need to. That’s what I was thinking.
even day to day as an adult I have gone places and just known it was going to be a problem as soon as I told them my name, and I knew the attitude towards me would shift. At least dc could give the British name in that case.

It’s interesting to hear from the people who go by their middle name, I’m interested that they say it’s a complete nightmare. It sounds like primarily the issue is that people call them the wrong name and it leads to some issues. Perhaps if you were happy with the first name and used to responding occasionally to the first name, would that have eliminated that problem?

We use a middle name for one of my DC. It just flows better that way. We’ve not had any issues, but it’s common in our area.

"Perhaps if you were happy with the first name and used to responding occasionally to the first name, would that have eliminated that problem?"

Like I said earlier in the chain I go by my middle name and have done so since birth. Another issue with using the middle name is people assume I don't like my first name, and in school some people would attempt to wind me up about it, not that it worked. I am happy with my first name and can respond to it, but the issue is it doesn't feel like my name. I think it would feel the same as if someone was randomly addressed by their middle name, I don't think they'd feel like their correct name had been used.

But it's not your name...

Your name is the one you are called by for the entirety of your childhood, then suddenly you have to use this other name for official things. It can cost you too, if you forget, eg flight tickets.

It doesn't sound like you understand how awkward this is & want to fix your other issue of wanting a western name for your dc.

Fair enough but you were told...

Thank you, this is exactly what we’re worried about. Sorry your foster son is dealing with this

I've always been known by my middle name and it's been a faff on, always telling teachers that I use my middle name. Like others have said I have to remember that in medical settings it will be my first name that they'll use.
Thanks I think this is what I’m trying to understand, since dc will have a faff anyway, either explaining the name they want to go by, accepting the British name, and/or trying to explain their first name. Both dh and I have names from this culture and lots of people get annoyed, they are racist, they refuse to try, they make rude comments, and even people that are being polite just panic when they see the names.

The one we like is phonetic, all the sounds are known in English, it isn’t that difficult, but that’s the same for our names and people just react badly to a name they don’t recognise. So I suppose I’m trying to weigh up what is more of a faff.

I don’t understand. Hence me asking and trying to understand and weigh up the issues of both options.

The evidence for this is really strong.

I think your idea is a good one.

The "hassle" of losing opportunities due to bias (unconscious or otherwise) is something I'd prefer to avoid for my DC over the possible "hassle" of using a middle name.

I'm all for not losing our cultural roots though, for those of us who aren't wholly English by heritage - if our DC don't have names from our culture at all, those names will die out.

Incidentally, there's a tradition in Wales for people to be known by their middle name and for their first name to be kept for "Sunday best" - so it's not even uncommon on these isles (even if many of the English are unaware of it).

https://www.walesonline.co.uk/lifestyle/fun-stuff/people-sharing-unique-thing-what-27992968

I would officially name your child the name they are going to be known as. I am known as my middle name but it's a pain then when you're at the doctors, dentists etc and always referred to as your first official name. It doesn't matter how many times you tell them you're known as a different name they'll always use the official name.

It bothered me the most when in hospital having my children and was never once called my known as name even through its stated in the notes.

And years ago, when DH (then boyfriend) booked a surprise holiday. I felt quite bad having to tell him that that's a lovely gesture but you've booked it in the wrong name and now we need to pay to change it.

Would you feel like this if your middle name was very likely to lose you job oppourtinites due to unconscious bias, though?

I see- thanks for explaining. That does make sense, and I suppose whilst you always hope the world keeps getting more enlightened I can totally understand you wanting to prevent what’s happened to you from affecting your children.

Don't put the known as name in the middle.
Something like Ava Sabiha Khan will get called Ava Khan in lots of day-to-day situations, and should she dislike the name Ava, she'll hate being called it.

If I put my full name on anything, everyone assumes that I go by the first name. I find that I've been allocated [email protected] or similar as work emails.

The full name goes on official records. Things like your medical records, passport etc. It's not much of an issue unless your sitting at the doctor's surgery/hospital/school/police station etc and they call out your name and it takes a while to figure they mean you.

I have a name that is Name2 Name1 Surname.
Something like Isla Melusine Whyte, but I'm known as Mel

Isla White is ridiculous but looks a lot more normal than Melusine Whyte.

Not necessarily relevant to the thred but
My parents insisted on the Melusine, but it just became Mel when I started work.
I got used to it.
People assume I am Melissa or Melanie and misspell Melusine A LOT.
People say things like why do you say your name is Melusine when it's Melanie.

My name isn't the one I've posted but does have similar issues.

It will be a pain in the arse for your child. Just call them the name you will use

So it sounds like the main issues are
explaining your name to people, which dc will need to do either way, if we go with the non British name as a first name, they’ll need to spell it and repeat it a lot, and get a lot of general questions and comments about it.
potential admin errors, like qualifications in the wrong name or flights booked in the wrong name.
and not realising people are speaking to you because you’re not used to answering to that name / not feeling that name belongs to you
is there anything else I’ve not thought of?
it’s definitely not perfect either way, I just don’t know if this is better than potential racism they may otherwise face.

Just to say, the concerns that people have here, don't necessarily always come true!

My DC have non-English names. Some MNers said not to use them as they'd hate having to spell their names.

They're both old enough now (teen and pre-teen) to let me know that they love their names.

@Marshmallowtoastie , just give her a name that doesn't have obvious spelling or pronunciation issues. Don't add a redundant first name.

I hate my redundant first name. It only gets used in negative situations.
I have nothing against the name itself, it just has never seemed part of my name, and it's dated. It's fine on other people.

If your DC wants to use a name that is more anglo-friendly, he or she can go by a nickname or diminutive.
Why should they need to to avoid discrimination? It's illegal to discriminate by race, religion or colour.

Why should they need to to avoid discrimination? It's illegal to discriminate by race, religion or colour.
well it’s a relief to know racism doesn’t happen now and my concerns are unfounded.

@Marshmallowtoastie , I'm not saying it doesn't happen.

If you applied for a job, it could well be that the hiring panel might not see your name, or they might be more inclined to interview someone with a name that suggested a certain profile. I've considered doing two more or less identical CVs, using a typical white, male, MC mid 40s male on one and my own on the other, but I suspect that it would only tell me what I'd expect it to.

Why should they need to to avoid discrimination? It's illegal to discriminate by race, religion or colour.

Are you really that naive?!

Do you think discrimination doesn't happen because it's illegal?

And how could you prove it anyway, when a lot of the time it's unconscious bias on the part of the person doing the discrimation - i.e. they're not even aware they're doing it?!

There's loads of evidence of racial discrimination, recruitment being a classic example. Here's an article on it, worth reading if this is news to you.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jan/17/minority-ethnic-britons-face-shocking-job-discrimination

Crossed posts.

If you know it happens, then what's your point B0G0F?