Why is EVERYONE irl secretive about their baby names?

[Razorcroft]

I understand people might have loaded reactions when you share your potential names- but if you love it, and it’s an actual name, who cares?

If you call your child that anyway, anyone who is going to be unkind about what you have called them will do so anyway. Some threads on here are a testament to that!

When people asked me about names, I’d say ‘we like x, y and z- but we’ll see what she looks like.’ Didn’t see the point in hiding it, one of them might have been her name. We liked them, had researched them and wouldn’t have wobbled because someone saying ‘oh I went to school with a horrible [name]’. It would have all been irrelevant. Our baby, our choice. In fact, we had lots of nice comments that made us more confident in our choices.

My newly pregnfriend recently tried to talk to me about names to me in allusive terms ‘ohhhh we like two names but I’m not sure about one at the moment, DH thinks people might think it is odd’. I didn’t initiative the conversation, or pester her- I just didn’t get the mystery for such a long, drawn out conversation that she initiated.

but this isn’t rare- ALL of the couples I have known to have DC have wanted to talk extensively about the fact they had chosen names or had a list, but then didn’t want to share the name. It’s been the same with every couple….’oh, we have a list….’, followed by the extensive pros and cons of each, then a pursed lip and a slight smirk, ‘oh, we aren’t sharing the names…’

If you don’t want to discuss it….then don’t?

This turning to a bit of AIBU. I’m sorry!!!

But if you wanted to discuss baby names without saying the name….why? Please educate me because I feel like a massive name grinch thinking all of my friends are being horribly precious.

Because people give their unwanted opinions if they think it isn't too late to change your mind.

Once baby is born they smile and say "Lovely!!" even if they are privately thinking "Hideous name! WTF??"

I don't know why we didn't share it beforehand really, but it just felt like it would've made it less like "her" name if other people were saying and talking about it and using it before we'd even seen her.

It's probably because it's a decision that's taking up a lot of their brain space, but ultimately it's a decision they want to make without people volunteering their opinions about how horrible (or otherwise) their prospective name choices are. When a baby has already been named most people have the decency to keep their opinions (beyond oh how lovely) to themselves, but when the name is still being decided people can be ruthless and harshly push their own opinion/ try to convince the parents to choose a specific name/ to not choose a specific name.

Because people are always horrible pre birth but don’t say anything post birth.

Also I think it has become a social media thing where most people find out the sex of the baby during pregnancy, so there isn't a big boy/girl reveal - but you still get to do a name reveal, and people seem to like doing that.

There also seems to be a fear about other people "stealing" the name, which is exactly the kind of nuts thing that pregnancy hormones make you worry about which doesn't seem like a remotely important problem any of the rest of the time. But if you've centred in on a name that you think is lovely, then the assumption is everyone else will think it's lovely too and you get this fear that other people will use the same name and suddenly your precious Leo will be merely one of a sea of Leos.

YANBU

There is nothing more annoying than bring told half the story with the key piece of information ne'er to be revealed.

Perhaps you could suggest names from the Addams family. Thst should shut them up.

I didn't share my second baby's name for two reasons-

1. I told everyone before my first daughter was born and then everyone kept referring to my bump as baby's name and it gave me the ick but I felt I couldn't change it 😂

2. with my second DD we'd shared the sex and then I had to have an elective c-section and I just wanted to keep some element of it to ourselves

Ahhh! I didn’t think about the sex reveal aspect. I suppose keeping the name back maintains an element of surprise.

thank you to everyone who has replied. :)

I think this is why I’m finding it ‘precious’!

if it wasn’t a matter they wanted to discuss- fine, it’s none of my business!!!

but over the past couple of years I’ve been drawn into long winded, drawn out conversations about lists and baby names, but we can’t know the names.

It’s because people always have an opinion which they can’t keep to themselves.

DDIL & DS2 are expecting a baby, so I was telling my mum the names they like. Firstly they don’t know what they’re having, which is wrong in her opinion, then when I told her the beautiful classic girl’s name they like she went “eurrrggghhh!” She’s so rude at the best of times, but there’s just no need for it.

If a baby is already named something, most people even if they hate it will pull together an ‘oh that’s … interesting’ but if it’s just a potential name, then people might think that their opinion counts for something and they have some room to persuade the prospective parents that they shouldn’t use that name. Even if they are set in the decision, maybe they just can’t be bothered with the argument.

They might also want to avoid the risk of people ‘stealing’ their name, or just want it to be surprise. They also might want to be sure of a name before announcing it. I had a colleague who throughout her pregnancy called the baby Ralph, and when he was born thought he didn’t suit Ralph and baby Jasper was born. She didn’t share the chosen name in her second pregnancy.

It feels like something that’s our information to share at the time of birth. We loved that DD1 was the first to find out DD2’s name and we’ll do the same for DD1&2 when DS is born.

Everyone knows I’m pregnant and when I’m due. Everyone knows we’re having a boy. I’m ok with all of this but this is something DH and I have decided and we don’t want other people to put doubts in our minds although I think we’ve chosen a great name.

However, I only mention that we’ve chosen a name but aren’t sharing when other people ask us. I don’t waffle on about it for days unprompted.

My cousin told everybody what she was naming her first! She even had personalised blankets and a hat etc made that she posted on Social media with captions like "not long now" etc. Then the baby came and everybody bought stuff saying "welcome to the world E" with the name etc. Two days in, my cousin decided she hated the name! But felt she couldn't change it as people had already bought stuff. The child is now 5 and my cousin still hates the name. At least with not telling people beforehand, you have an option to change your mind , without people saying "oh I thought you were naming the baby that"

We didn't name our babies until after they had arrived. We had names we liked on a shortlist but honestly I didn't want any feedback on them, it was for DH and I to decide and us alone. It felt like a very important thing for us to get right together for our baby when they arrived. I didn't care or what to hear what anyone else thought, frankly.

We didn't know the sex and we hadn't chosen a name beforehand. It wasn't some big conspiracy to have a big reveal or anything it's just nobody else's business what we were discussing.

But based on what you’ve written- I imagine you didn’t try and talk to people about your list then?

It would put me off a name if someone expressed that they disliked it. That might not be the case for you but it would be for me

Oh god!

But based on what you’ve written- I imagine you didn’t try and talk to people about your list then?

I don't really remember but probably not. I can understand being torn between being excited/consumed with name thoughts and discussions with a partner, but also feeling like you don't want to share the name(s) with others. But you still feel like you want to talk about the process as it's such a big deal to you at that time, if you see what I mean?

Honestly? I wanted to be sure I was walking out of hospital with a baby first.

Its best to keep quiet then you can't have ppl telling you it's an awful name, and no chance of any "not even trying for a baby yet cousin/SILs" declaring that you have stolen the name they had picked for their not even conceived yet baby, which I think has been a recent topic on MN 😉

Because people have become very weird about all sorts of things (especially to do with babies) in recent years. I blame social media and "influencers". This is where many people get their social norms from now rather than friends, family and community and it's leading to all sorts of unnecessary and odd behaviour that at best makes others raise their eyebrows and at worst pisses people off and pushes them away. People have also become more insular and self obsessed and think you are way more interested in their baby than you actually are!

Because we did not fully decide till our child was born so what was the point? Why do people need to know earlier anyway?

This.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your friends mentioning they've been coming up with names/the process without telling you the name. It's something they've been up to.

The issue is that the conversations are long and drawn out - but that would be tedious whatever the topic.

I’m sure people have very varied reasons. I shared my first child’s intended name towards the end of the pregnancy, as in, I hadn’t decided up until close to the end. When he was born I took one look at him and thought ‘nah’ that’s not him AT ALL. Changed my decision and called him his now name, and had to keep explaining that I’d looked at him and changed my mind. After that, x3 friends used his name for their children within about 12/18 months, and I was not thrilled - but no going back from that ‘stealing’ of the name despite me not giving it during pregnancy. I can half see why people worry about this if they have pregnant friends. I felt like I’d really spent time and thought on my son’s name, and it had to work across two languages and cultures, and people (I felt at the time) just sort of waltzed in and had away with it.

My second child, I didn’t want to think of a name until they were born, but it then took weeks, and I felt pestered to come up with something. My third, I felt the same, but we were told the sex wasn’t clear but that they were highly assuming a girl. About a week before the birth, I had a scan for something else - and they told me definitely a boy! So I felt a bit jumbled up with that decision making. I had all of these long-winded, multi-syllabled girls names thought out, some of which my mum was pretty much bullying me not to use. Ended up with a boy name that fit well with his siblings’ names. All of it it is as individual as parenting itself I guess.

I can relate to this.

I was ok with her name because I wanted to feel like I knew her, but walked out of a surprise baby shower and didn’t buy anything until she was here.

people probably thought that was precious of me too.

we all do pregnancy differently. I’m sorry it was so anxious for you too. X