Why is EVERYONE irl secretive about their baby names?

[Razorcroft]

I understand people might have loaded reactions when you share your potential names- but if you love it, and it’s an actual name, who cares?

If you call your child that anyway, anyone who is going to be unkind about what you have called them will do so anyway. Some threads on here are a testament to that!

When people asked me about names, I’d say ‘we like x, y and z- but we’ll see what she looks like.’ Didn’t see the point in hiding it, one of them might have been her name. We liked them, had researched them and wouldn’t have wobbled because someone saying ‘oh I went to school with a horrible [name]’. It would have all been irrelevant. Our baby, our choice. In fact, we had lots of nice comments that made us more confident in our choices.

My newly pregnfriend recently tried to talk to me about names to me in allusive terms ‘ohhhh we like two names but I’m not sure about one at the moment, DH thinks people might think it is odd’. I didn’t initiative the conversation, or pester her- I just didn’t get the mystery for such a long, drawn out conversation that she initiated.

but this isn’t rare- ALL of the couples I have known to have DC have wanted to talk extensively about the fact they had chosen names or had a list, but then didn’t want to share the name. It’s been the same with every couple….’oh, we have a list….’, followed by the extensive pros and cons of each, then a pursed lip and a slight smirk, ‘oh, we aren’t sharing the names…’

If you don’t want to discuss it….then don’t?

This turning to a bit of AIBU. I’m sorry!!!

But if you wanted to discuss baby names without saying the name….why? Please educate me because I feel like a massive name grinch thinking all of my friends are being horribly precious.

Yes I do. X

Because we weren't really sure (in fact the day I went into labour I had a preferred name and it just didn't suit her!), because it's not nice to have people say urgh, or "I knew a horrible XXX" or other negative opinions, because if you are pregnant at the same time as someone else you don't want to risk "stealing" "their" name, because it felt weird to name a bump, because I wanted to have the baby before deciding.

I agree with the poster about other people then referring to the baby (pre-birth) as said name giving them the ick...and also people being unable to keep their (negative) opinion to themselves.

On the flip side to your post, I rarely initiated conversation about names but family members often felt the need to instigate a conversation and suggest names which I also didn't enjoy.

I found pregnancy challenging in the sense that people seem to lose all of their boundaries. Touching you, commenting on your weight etc. I may be a bit precious but I think pregnancy and birth is a private thing between you and your partner and people referring to my unborn child by a name that we think we'd decided on (but may change our mind) would have made me really uncomfortable.

I really really don't agree it's a social media thing as some have suggested. Certainly not for us.

It's a wild generalisation but I think the people who 'do' social media a lot/wannabe influencer types are much more likely to go down the name picked with personalised everything beforehand route with loads of pictures etc.

Well, with a history of miscarriage before my first DD was born I didn't want to look too far ahead in case I jinxed the pregnancy, so didn't finally name her until she had arrived safely. I also didn't know if baby would be a boy or girl before the birth because the hospital near to where we lived at that time had a policy of not telling from an ultrasound scan. So you only found out if you needed an amniocentesis (which definitely reveals it).

With DD2 and DD3 I still had some of those feelings in the background, although mostly it was because I didn't feel the need to invite unwanted input from anyone else so still didn't openly discuss names. With anyone. I was booked at a different hospital with different policies by then so did know what I was having.

I made the mistake of mentioning a few names we liked to my mum and she had a clear favourite which she mentioned endlessly throughout my pregnancy and drove me mad! At least it narrowed down the list when we discarded that name though! Didn’t tell anyone any possible names during my 2nd pregnancy.

I found others were always keen to ask if we knew the sex (no) and if we’d chosen names. I don’t think I ever raised it.

Because other pregnant friends might steal it? Haha.

DD had an unusual name, and I absolutely did not want to hear opinions on it before she was born.

It's a real name, just not very common and barely cracks the top 1000 and we knew neither set of parents were going to like it. When she'd actually arrived they had to at least pretend they liked it, even if we could see they were a bit bemused. FIL still managed to come out and say he didn't like it, but he's come around now.

*has. DD is alive and well!

On here, people post their opinions anonymously. If someone told me they were going to name their baby Isla or Lydia, I'd probably say 'Isla's nice but it's extremely popular, are you sure?' or 'Lydia will get called Lyds, would that bother you?'

If someone said 'This is baby Lydia-Mae/Isla-Rose/Georgiana' I'd say, 'What a pretty name' but think 'Hyphenated names are awful', 'Is Mae/Rose a family name?' or 'What a long mouthful of a name, Georgina is much nicer'

If you are pregnant at the same time as someone else and discussing names, they might use your planned name. My cousin got the name my parents wanted for me, thank goodness.

People might assume that the baby was definitely going to be George, and get personalised items for him, but when the baby turns up she/he doesn't look like a George so gets called Sophia or Oliver instead.

We didn’t talk to anyone about our list.

We did write actual lists of names and then matched them up to see if we had any crossovers and crossovers were then considered.

Probably because people are arseholes about name choices but not once they've met the baby.

On here, people post their opinions anonymously. If someone told me they were going to name their baby Isla or Lydia, I'd probably say 'Isla's nice but it's extremely popular, are you sure?' or 'Lydia will get called Lyds, would that bother you?'

Unless they’ve asked your opinion, why on Earth would you say any of this? It’s none of your business and not for you to have an opinion on if they’re just telling you what they’ve chosen.

We have a shortlist which we're keeping to ourselves! I think it's because:

• it feels a bit personal at the moment, like something we don't want to share, and
• we're not sure which we prefer, though we've provisionally agreed on one, and we might change our minds, and
• we don't want feedback, which is more likely to be negative until it's a fait accompli.

We don't go round saying 'we've got a shortlist but we're not telling you what it is'. But we do actually quite like discussing names with friends and family, mainly because we've struggled to come up with something we both agree on this time, so we're interested to know what other names people like. So I might initiate a conversation about names, during the course of which I might end up having to say that I don't want to share my secret shortlist. I don't go out of my way to be coy about it though!

@BeingATwatItsABingThing , what's your problem?
Wouldn't you prefer to know that Martha will be Marfa, or Theo Feo, before naming the baby.
I can think of people who picked 'underused' names for their DC only to find that the names were top 10 names.

When I was pregnant with DC1, I soon realised that we would never be able to choose a name that both DH and I liked and please everyone else in the world as well.

We didn’t tell names to anyone until after our DC were born. It’s pretty rude to be introduced to someone and say you don’t like their name. Most people will not comment negatively at that stage, whatever their thoughts. (Some will, of course, but only the rude ones cough MIL cough.)

I think people you know need to find more interesting conversation topics. People talking about stuff like that is insanely dull.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing on mumsnet posters often have asked for opinions! Or they've asked for help narrowing down a list so probably do want negative opinions about some of them. I totally agree if they've said something like 'help me choose one of these four names, all of which I love' then it's beyond rude for people to post that they're horrible names, which you do see quite often on here.

I mentioned to 2 friends that we're planning to name our baby girl "Elisabeth".

One didn't say anything, but pulled a face.

The other one said the name is too long and sounds "royal" (it isn't, Elisabeth is a very old name, long before the royal family got hold of it).

We will still call her Elisabeth, but I regret telling my friends and I am not telling any more people.

Now my answer just is: "We're not sure yet"

I learned really quickly not to share when a family member asked and I naively told her a name and she went mental at me saying it was (one of) the names she wanted for her child. Except she wasn't pregnant, and didn't even have a partner.

In geneal people feel they can comment or give opinions before baby is born. I didn't start conversations about it, though, if anyone asked I just said "we don't know" or "we have some ideas but haven't decided yet" and moved the conversation along.

I never told anyone what i was calling my children until they were born and had a birth certificate.
I didnt go for out there names or middle names or named them after anyone.
Just simple names i liked.

I never tell people our thoughts because to be honest we never really know! I have always just made a list and waited to see what suits baby when they arrive. I don't think others opinions would be massively helpful and might put us off a name that we love. I don't act all coy and elusive about it though, I am due any day with DC4 and we just don't mention names at all.

For example my ex MIL didn't like the name we gave my eldest but 13 years later I still love it, DD herself loves it and I've never come across a negative reaction to it.

I stopped sharing my chosen names because I had people actually suggest alternatives 😅😅 one person spent an evening Facebook messaging me with names that she liked. Clearly these people didn't like the names we had picked and thought they could change my mind. When I had ds and told people his name, at that stage its a bit late to change my mind. His name was registered at a week old.

@DuchessOfSausage, you stole my point 😉

People have opinions when you’re sharing a name during pregnancy that they don’t share once the baby is here.

it’s also nice to be able to announce it.